Is it a good thing to not know what day you are in the middle of? I get restless and nervous when days start to blend together into one big long string of same ol, same ol. It finally happened today. I was in a Saturday frame of mind all day.
Maybe it’s because of the setting sun of my vacation. Maybe it’s because my dreams are the result of restless sleep. Whatever the cause I need to change the pace. Faster, slower. I’m not sure.
I’ve seen my father for four nights running. He comes to my life when I least expect it and every time I end up trying to show him where I’ve been before. Again with the running shoes. Again with him not dead, just gone. Why do I cling to something so unreal? Should anyone mourn like this? It’s not fair. I’ve cried more than my fair share. Exactly what is fair these days?
I even had a panic dream – thought I had missed teaching an important occupational therapy class. Woke up thinking I was late and fired. Woke up feeling confused and tired. Sweaty and disorientated. I hate that feeling at 4:00am. Even the relief of realizing the reality didn’t relax me. Situational insomnia struck again. I’m not sure I know who I am these days.
I’m thinking I should write these night visions out – put them into a perspective more coherent than my perplexed psyche. Something to do. Anything to help.
~*LunaSea*~ 