Lately, I can’t breathe. Lately, it feels like everything is beyond me. Beyond my control. My mind races no matter where I am. Work. Work is insane. I’m in over my head. The Fray have it perfectly said. I love that song right now. It’s so me. This is so friggin hard. Right now. I’m trying to look like I know what I’m doing but it feels like one big puppet show. I fight tied up in strings.
My home life. I’m drowning. If it weren’t for kisa I would be hanging from heartache. No, hate. I’ll admit it. Hanging from hate. There is someone caught in the middle of this and I feel so damned sorry for her. She didn’t ask for this. Well, neither did I. Neither did I. Excuse me if I don’t rush to thank you or act grateful or pretend to think you saved me. If anything I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in days. I’m in over my head.
Kisa leaves me in three days. He said something interesting last night. “All this” he said, waving his hand around to signify all of life, “will seem like nothing next year. You will look back on this time and know you are stronger than all that.” I believe it. I look at what I was worried about two years ago today and I have to laugh. It’s amusing how I was so wrapped up in trivial things.
In the meantime I take sharp breaths, fighting to breathe. Head above water. Kisa pats me leg everytime I gasp. He’s getting used to me. It’s like I’ve been crying so hard I hyperventilate. Kisa makes the bed everyday and laughs at the twisted sheets. “Harsh night?” He’ll ask while pulling the fitted sheet back over the mattress and untangling the mess of blankets. To me, it’s as bad as wetting the bed. It’s embarrassing how much I kick, toss and turn when I finally fall asleep. It’s all beyond me but I can make it through this because Kisa is beside me.
~*LunaSea*~ 
Oh how sad 😦 I am so sorry you feel like this…it is so hard to be caught in a breath. Without breath. My last blog started like yours. I literally fainted yesterday from holding my breath…not good. I have forgotten me, how to be me, I was scolded by the Dr yesterday for what I am doing to myself. Your darling Kisa… the same with Mark and his left shoulder. I shove myself into that nook, that spot and for a moment while his hands hold me tight I can breath again…
I am filled with rage, sorrow, confusion and loss. I have cried myself to sleep for 2 nights now. I have searched the planets to see why??? I have no answers.
This makes me so sad to read… because of the “Orbit factor”… I think I shall find a hole in the ground. Since I can’t breathe anyway what would it matter?
Many hugs to you… may you find your breath today… I hope to.
Hey, one good thought! YAY SOX!!!
I sound like a child that has cried itself to hyperventilation. All of a sudden, without warning, I will gasp for breath. Kisa doesn’t even notice. If anything, he laughs because they sound like “a sigh for all time” – whatever that means.
Hang in there my sweet friend. All I can say is hang in there. There is no method to madness only the hope to keep us moving.
I agree…GO SOX!!!! 😉
Keep breathing – Ask for help when you need it – Take breaks when it gets to be too much. You can do this … you can get through this moment in life. You’ve been through bigger, harder and tougher stuff … I know how strong you can be when you set your mind to it. You’ll be ok … you really will … just breathe …
I am so glad I’m seeing you Sunday!