I admit it. I hit rock bottom last night. After breaking down emotionally I lost all resolve, self respect and worst of all, the will to hold my ground. I’ll admit it. I told my husband I couldn’t take it anymore. I said I was tired from crying so much, exhausted from being so emotional and what’s more, that I didn’t want to be here. I actually said that. I don’t want to be here. Define “here” anyway you want. I knew what I meant and it wasn’t pretty. I once said desperation was an ugly word and an even uglier emotion. That was me, myself and moi last night. Ugly.
There is nowhere to go but up. From here, I can’t sink any lower or feel any worse. I’m backed into a corner and all I want to do is dissolve into a puddle of pitiful. Rock bottom. I am there. I am so there. That bottle I talk about? I tilted it back again and again, hating myself with each swallow. I danced like I knew what I was doing. An 80’s flashback and even a great drum solo couldn’t save me. I put on a face but ended up showing my true self. Ugly desperate. Drunk and done.
~*LunaSea*~ 
We all hit bottom from time to time, and it is never a proud moment. But I know you can get through all of this, even if the end outcome is not quite what you expect it should be. Hang in there, remember to breathe, and don’t forget you’ve got some very strong shoulders to lean on. Feel free to lean on us all …
Thank you so much! Sometimes the crazy is more powerful than the sane…
Hang in there… I have uttered those very same words often in my life. Recently screamed them out and bawled like a baby. It is ok, breathe and DO REMEMBER you have us! No one should ever feel alone!
I will say and not the least bit ashamed, I have to take Paxil now. Because I did snap somewhere between my brother’s suicide and Mark almost dying. I grapple, fight, hate, love and ignore the need for them. But, even still I have “break through moments” that sound just like what you said.
Feeling this way is no treat… I am sorry and I am sending you tons of healing light!
P.S. If I could drink I would have done the same… it is not an ugly face. It is a broken soul, a face that shows damage and pain…
Dragonfly~ you have no idea how much peace and light your words bring to me. Thank you.
::hugs:: I love you, and I’m here for you.
Manda~ you should have seen me. I was a sniveling mess! Just plain pathetic!
I am so glad to hear that. You are welcome. (((hugs)))
your strength has often been an inspiration to me. but in ways, i find your moments of weakness bring more. you’re a beautiful woman with a passion and inner spirit unparalleled by most. the heart couldn’t feel such pain and desperation if it wasn’t open to feel true beauty and love. intensity of emotion, though sometimes strong enough to scare even oneself, is truly a gift to treasure. and as those above me have said, in those bad times, remember there are many who love you and will always be by your side.
Ok, I have a joke for you.
two muffins are in the oven. the first turns to the second and says “boy, it’s hot in here!”
the second one looks back at the first and goes “holy shit, a talking muffin!!”
I will now take a bow and begin my comedy central career. 😉
& I love you even if you were pathetic. PS, I think we should plan a visit over winter break. I have a whole month off. We need some time to hang out!
B~ Your writing is so beautiful. I want to print it out and hang it on my wall. Thank you.
M~ Yes, a visit is long overdue – what month do you have off? December?
ps~ thanks for the joke…you know how much I love to give life to inanimate objects! LOL
One last thing before I shut up – I am really, really glad I have friends like all of you. I never, ever want to get as bad as I did Saturday night again. But, IF I do, I will keep ALL your words in mind. I love you.
aw…I have december 17th-january 17th, possibly more on the december end but it depends when finals are due. So that’s probably the time frame.
I’m off to pack my car and go home now. exciting. 😀 have a good thanksgiving. I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better now.
i’m really sorry for being out of the loop. i’m trying to set my computer up for wireless at my aunt and uncles so i can be up to date on things.
belated hugs….its sounds like its been a rough time lately!
S~ I know you have been out of the loop. Things are much, much better now!