Pivotal Moments

It’s not often that I notice a turning point, a change of definite direction, one of those important pivotal moments in life. It’s striking when something strikes me as “pivotal” – such as what happened today.

I came across a resume of a friend. One of those drowned relationships that sank without apparent good reason. I admit, I let it sink. I have this habit of moving away from something if it no longer feels right. Such is the case with this friend.

I met her at one of the most out-on-a-limb times of my life. I was creating a new existence like never before. Everyday was a struggle to not fall. I clung to anything supportive. While I wasn’t paying attention she easily fit herself into the newness of it all. Somehow she became someone with the label of friend. It was all without fanfare and I thought nothing of it. It just happened and I didn’t notice. Until I started thinking too much about it. Something about the friendship made me worry. Made me nervous. Made me more than a bit uncomfortable. Made me want to move away – just a little. I started to decline invitations. Started to invite her out in groups of people. Strength in numbers. It was more than just having nothing in common or disagreeing about just about everything.

When she finally went away for good it took me months to really notice. It took another month to really care. Another month to be surprised by how much I did care. I made feeble attempts to fish around for the friendship. Murky and muddled I wasn’t sure I really wanted to find her. I sound horrible, but really I was more than confused. I wasn’t sure what I really wanted. Looking just to look? What would I say if and when I found her?

I found her resume today. Full name, address, phone number. Email. All things I had lost along the way, suddenly now in my way. Everything I needed to start all over again. Information in my hands. The search I didn’t really know if I wanted to make. Then came the turning point. The change of direction. That pivotal moment I mentioned earlier. I don’t know what made me do it, but letting by-gones be by-gones I let  her resume slide into the trash. The moment the paper left my hand I knew it was one of those moments. If it were a scene in a movie it would have been slowed down and dramatized. The symbolism of such a shot is not lost on me. I let go.