Category: Complaining

A Little Push

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pushI’ve started a fitness program called PushTv after researching trainer Bob Harper. I was interested in getting to a program that was a little different than joining a gym. I’ll admit, this is really different. The first dvd came a few weeks ago but today was the first day I actually “worked out” with it. I decided I needed this Push because common sense wasn’t getting through to me. Try as I might I couldn’t convince myself to get going – not even when I announced it here, in this blog, in front of witnesses (or people who might actually hold me to my promises).

Here’s what I think of Session One:
I think I might have spaced it but I don’t remember Bob telling me I would need certain equipment. I know when I signed up I told Push I had all sorts of paraphernalia available. Did I think they would actually make me use it? Apparently not because Bob would say, “okay, grab your…” and I’d have to run off to retrieve the item: resistance ball, towel, chair, step, free weights, resistance bands…Each time I had to pause the dvd, especially for the step that has been in the basement since Jane Fonda days. Speaking of the step, I have a complaint. The Push people never asked me if I could make my step recline. Hello! I have the pink, turquoise and grey number left over from the 80’s when step aerobics was the thing to do. I would have missed the incline sit up session if I have taken the time to figure out how to recline. But, the workout with Bob was really rewarding. He makes it fun. I can see why contestants on The Biggest Loser get so attached to this tattooed yoga boy.
The Cardio session is a little bothersome. I don’t care for the instructor (she’s no Bob), nor do I really have the room to mambo around the room. She says “move that chair if you need to.” The question is, exactly where do I move it to, lady? So. I skipped the dvd’s cardio session… for now.
The next sessions were concentrations on areas of the body I said I wanted to work on. My chosen area of focus is abs but I was also given a bonus workout called “Ultimate Ass”. I like the trainer well enough and the exercises are challenging. What I could do without are the graphics. I don’t really understand the stars, shadows, palm trees and speakers. All that flashiness (plus canned clapping) gave the program a cheap 70’s feel. What was even worse was the ass graphic. Off to the side is a row of asses. I kid you not. As you work out, the underwear on each ass “goes away” and at one point it looks as if one of them farts. Seriously. To make matters worse, words of encouragement are flashed across the screen – sayings like “great job! Give yourself a spanking!” Yikes. I found myself doing the exercises away from the screen, but still listening to the instructor. My only thought was “Bring back Bob!”
My last complaint is that when I logged into my Push profile (after the workout) I thought there would be a “chart your activity” screen. Something to tell the Push people how I’m doing. Not really. I could change my initial preferences (like a changed the cardio chick), but I couldn’t log much else.

Not Sleeping

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What is it about the question, “Did I wake you?” or “were you sleeping?” My knee-jerk reaction is to feel jerked back to childhood and to be accused of being lazy. Somehow, sleeping = sloth. So,  I am quick to retort “oh no! Nope. Not sleeping! Not me!” Never mind that a minute earlier I was so deep asleep it could have been compared to a coma. The funny thing is, even if I hadn’t been sleeping that tone of indignation still seeps in, “Who me? Sleeping? Don’t be ridiculous! I’ve been up for hours!” What follows is the barrage of proof, “I was just scrubbing the floor…with a toothbrush. I’m in the middle of doing laundry…by hand. I’m baking bread after just grinding the flour by hand…I discovered the way to achieve world peace.” Anything to make myself sound productive and as unlazy as possible on a Sunday morning.
In truth, it’s been a long time since I’ve slept in long enough to feel guilty about it. The hour hand of the clock has been at a reasonable angle when I get up. Reasonable for me, I should say. I have never been one to enjoy witnessing sunrises. Actually, I watch my sunrises on the Discovery channel to be honest. But, no matter what time I really wake up, get out of bed and officially start my day I still have this overwhelming urge to Do Something. Be productive. Even on a Sunday. Anybody got a toothbrush?

All’s Fair

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I’m currently reading A Diary From Dixie and the narrator, Mrs. Mary Chestnut is a pretty funny lady. My standard way to “review” a book is to give a brief overview of the general plot, what I thought while I was reading it, some quotes that I found to my liking (for one reason or another) and finally, where in it belonged in the Book Lust Challenge. For A Diary from Dixie I have way too many quotes I will want to use. Really, what has been happening is Mrs. Chestnut’s comments are causing me to think about my life and how the quotes relate.  Two such quotes deserved their own blog.

“Only your own family, those nearest and dearest, can hurt you.” and, “They tell you all of your faults candidly because they love you so” (p 128).

There is a lot of truth tied to those two statements. Never mind that they were written in August 1861. Never mind that this country was at war with itself at the time. Mrs. Chestnut made comments about something so commonplace, so true, that it could have been written yesterday…by me.
What is it about hurting the ones you love? Where do you draw the line? You’ve heard it before – This Is For Your Own Good…This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You…I Did It Because I Love You…She’s Family (she won’t mind)…
It’s been almost a month since I first felt the sting of “my own good.” I haven’t had the forgiveness to really say much about it until now. I sat and stewed in my own juices for all this time. Friends, kisa, and even my own mother, have jumped in the soup and offered words of advice. I’m grateful for every kind word uttered. I’m thankful they (at least) aren’t telling me how to feel. They know that’s worse than giving me a hundred flat tires. Right, Scott? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: when in doubt, ASK. When it doesn’t concern you, stay out. If you think it concerns you, converse with me, convince me. I’ll listen. It doesn’t matter what “right” you think you have, family or not, blood or water, I will listen.

If I Ever Write

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For the past week I have been scrutinizing you, writing about you. Sizing you up, cutting you down only to build you back up again. I look at both sides of what you deserve and what you’ll get and wonder if I am being fair. Is it about being fair? Is what you do reason enough for the numbers I give you, assign you, tell you to live with? Until next year. When we’ll do it again. Will you learn from my scrutiny, my cutting and building? Isn’t that what it’s all about? Learn the rules of the game in order to play. Learn the tricks of the game to win. And so I write.

Game on.

Is It Any Wonder?

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We’ve started to talk about Thanksgiving. They talk. I listen. I find this time of year tiresome. Who goes where and for how long? Can we split up the time? Can we avoid the time? What is the time? My mother-in-law is stressing about keeping the kid. Defiantly announcing, “I get the kid.” Okay. Definitely. Two years ago I brought up having a “schedule,” some sort of flow chart to keep our obligations straight. Somehow it became a discussion about something else entirely.
We have never had a holiday, just the two of us. I’ve never cooked a twelve part meal with only him in mind. Turkey, (garlic) mashed potatoes, cajun sweet potatoes (with pecans), that green bean casserole, cranberry sauce (homemade), creamy pearl onions, stuffing (two kinds), honey wheat rolls, the gravy I don’t touch, three kinds of pies… There’s always been someone else. Or a few someone elses. Not that I don’t mind family. I just miss him.

It’s insane how much we try to divvy up family time. Time with his family – both sides- time with mine. What about the other in-laws? Where’s their time? Everyone wants a piece. Who gets the turn this year? Well, where were we last year? We’ve never hosted Christmas, nor have we started our own (private) traditions because we haven’t been here. My kitchen remains cold because we’re always cooking somewhere else. I’m about ready to sell my serving ware.
This year I may not even bother with the ornaments, the decorations, or even the tree since we won’t be here…again. I was in such the spirit last year that I put everything up….only to have it sit silent while we went somewhere else.

Here’s my wish for the holidays. I want my home away from home to be so warm that I feel like I’m where the heart is and I’m happy to be there. Regardless of where that is.
 

Cleaning Out

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Sometimes I get beyond frustrated with my way too much stuff. I have one of those lives where even the paperclips have a home, yet you wouldn’t know it with all the junk I have around. Junk junk junk. It feels excessive, stupid and indulgent to have so much. Kisa and I have two full sets of dishes. One from my life without him (from 1990), and one from our humble beginning together. Do we really need 20 mugs for a two person household? I don’t think so.

So today….today kisa and I are cleaning. The in-laws announced the arrival of a huge dumpster and a whole week to fill it. I hear it’s the walk-in kind. How cool is that. I can imagine it like a gaping mouth that will accept only garbage, trash and unwanted junk. I can’t wait to feed it. Cookbooks without a single diary entry…mattresses tired of waiting for guests…posters from high school…stuffed animals from old boyfriends…lying letters…anything related to broken promises or unfulfilled good intentions. I hope it’s really, really hungry.

I want a lighter life. I want to be stark like the mountain range, not cluttered with clusters of trees and debris. I want more of a mis en place existence. I can’t explain it more than that.
Stay tuned.

Beyond Me but Beside Me

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Lately, I can’t breathe. Lately, it feels like everything is beyond me. Beyond my control. My mind races no matter where I am. Work. Work is insane. I’m in over my head. The Fray have it perfectly said. I love that song right now. It’s so me. This is so friggin hard. Right now. I’m trying to look like I know what I’m doing but it feels like one big puppet show. I fight tied up in strings.
My home life. I’m drowning. If it weren’t for kisa I would be hanging from heartache. No, hate. I’ll admit it. Hanging from hate. There is someone caught in the middle of this and I feel so damned sorry for her. She didn’t ask for this. Well, neither did I. Neither did I. Excuse me if I don’t rush to thank you or act grateful or pretend to think you saved me. If anything I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in days. I’m in over my head.
Kisa leaves me in three days. He said something interesting last night. “All this” he said, waving his hand around to signify all of life, “will seem like nothing next year. You will look back on this time and know you are stronger than all that.” I believe it. I look at what I was worried about two years ago today and I have to laugh. It’s amusing how I was so wrapped up in trivial things.
In the meantime I take sharp breaths, fighting to breathe. Head above water. Kisa pats me leg everytime I gasp. He’s getting used to me. It’s like I’ve been crying so hard I hyperventilate. Kisa makes the bed everyday and laughs at the twisted sheets. “Harsh night?” He’ll ask while pulling the fitted sheet back over the mattress and untangling the mess of blankets. To me, it’s as bad as wetting the bed. It’s embarrassing how much I kick, toss and turn when I finally fall asleep. It’s all beyond me but I can make it through this because Kisa is beside me.

RedSox Rudeness

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Mind games. I hate mind games. But, I’ll get to that later.
The Cleveland Indians used to be my favorite team. I know, I know. Don’t say it. I lived in Jersey at the time. I was a wayward soul. Lost without a baseball clue. Maybe it was the drum. I’ve always had that thing for drummers. I can’t explain it. Anyway, I’ve since left the dark side and pledged my undying love for the Boston Red Sox. Being from Maine and living in Massachusetts it’s the right thing to do…right? It’s hard not to love a team that call themselves idiots and piss in the Green Monster while still on the field. Calling myself a fan is definitely the right thing to do.
The wrong thing to do is fly your opposing pitcher’s ex-girlfriend out to sing the National Anthem. Hello? It should be all about the game. Since when did teams have to start thinking about psychological bullsh!t in order to secure a win? Like I said, I hate mind games. I know, I know it happens all the time. It’s the name of the game, so to speak. Next thing you know someone will posting big pictures of king cobras on the JumboTron because the center fielder has a problem with reptiles. Play the game, boys. Just play the game.

Minimal

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Kisa took this picture of serenity while I wrestled with chaos. I was thinking about something my sister said and was arguing with her (vehemently) in my head. She wasn’t there but I could hear her voice. She has tried to direct my direction before. In the past I’ve come close to giving in, letting her guide me where she thinks I should be going. This time it’s a directive as simple as “you should say something” but the fear in my heart gives it complexity and chaos. So, while a sailboat sails silently over the seas I wrestled this stupid struggle to the ground. I felt as though I was winning… but before I could pin it and really claim victory the triumph was lost in self doubt. More confusion. Maybe she is right. That thought alone keeps me questioning. You should say something. So I do. Later, I do.

Here’s the thing: Confessions are like closets. You never know what’s behind their doors or how deep they’ll go. To say something is to open that door and wait for whatever comes out. Or what wants to enter in. I made a start by admitting to something small, miniscule. I opened a tiny confessional window instead of that big ugly door. Untrusting, I was testing the temperature of acceptance, if you will. I had a right to be worried. The reception was chilly. Borderline bitter cold. I offered up an open window and it was slammed shut with “oh…that’s not what happened!” An exclamation of denial in a condescending tone to something in my life, lived by me, myself & moi. You’re telling me my confession is clueless. You’re telling me my memory is all wrong despite my living it. You can’t get much colder than that. If I could raise the dead and make them speak I would prop her up and make her tell you how it happened. Someone to back me up. Someone to say that’s how it happened. I need a witness.

In the end I wrestled chaos and confusion. I went to the depths of anger and came back resigned. As a result of the window I will never open the door. I will never share the secrets. It’s bad enough I know.

Recognition

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I walked through town wearing a bright red Camp Kawanhee t-shirt. “Camp Kawanhee?! Now there’s a shirt I wouldn’t expect to see here!” A woman’s shrill voice called out to me. Turning around, she was impossible to ignore. L.L. Bean hiking boots, jeans tucked into socks practically up to her knees, a down puffy vest over a sweatshirt emblazoned with a chickadee, a huge pair of binoculars slung around her bandana’ed neck. With a smirk on her face she nodded toward my shirt. “I live in Farmington.” As if that explained everything. I wanted to tell her her point of reference and recognition was off. Way off. If she visited Monhegan more often she would have known ‘Kawanhee’ is just as common as the word lobster or artist. She wouldn’t have been so surprised.

Later, it was my face that was a source of reference and recognition. We were watching the bonfire, staring at the burn and hypnotized by the flames when a woman asked me if I am my mother’s daughter. Yes, I am. It’s in my eyes, the shape of my face. I am a walking testimony to my heritage and proud of it. The compliments flowed and I answered with “a force to be reckoned with…” Nods of agreement. Yes, indeed. A force to be reckoned with.

It’s a strange state of affairs. I go home to be ignored. I like walking by someone I’ve known all my life and barely acknowledge each other with a passing hello, or the smallest of greetings – a nod. We acknowledge one another with an understanding that goes deeper than small talk and chit chat. We don’t want time for either. That’s just the way we are. So, when perfect strangers recognized something in me and wanted to talk about it, it threw me off guard. Yes, I could tell you of my connection to Camp Kawanhee. I could go on and on about the tents, the boys, the dinners at the Yew. I tell you of my connection to my mother that goes beyond my face. I could tell you stories of how proud I am of her, how amazed I am by her, how she frustrates me to the point of fury, how much I love her. I could. I really could. Instead, I would like to stand before the fire and see you through the flames; I would see you and recognize you. If you saw me I would acknowledge you through the smoke with just a nod. That’s just the way I am.

Imposters

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I will be glad to leave this world for a little while. Just for a short time, just enough to catch my breath. I am no better than these drummers disguised as chefs. Cooking up all the wrong things. Stirring up mayhem and madness. This weekend I’ll be glad to sit back and be only wife and daughter for a few days. A long weekend. Shed the illusion of Head Mucky-Muck for the time being. I don’t want to wear nice clothes. I don’t want someone to knock on my door and ask “can I interrupt?” No. I want to be eat-from-the-earth girl. Apples, leftover blackberries. Eye-behind-the-lens girl capturing everything that catches my heart. The must-have-lobsters-and whoopie-pies girl. Chocolate crumbs on my chin, white frosting on my fingertips. Face-in-a-book-and-wine-glass-on-knee girl. Oohh…books. Wine. I’m starting to drool. Maybe my book, it will be a girly-girl book. A dirty book. A fantastic book. Something that goes with Merlot. Something too delicious for Miss Mucky Muck.

Another Book Break

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So, I had just finished Map of the World and I was trying to decide between All the King’s Men, Moo, Things They Carried and Road From Coorain. I admit, I started each of them at one time or another this week. None of them grabbed me right away. I absolutely hate that – when a book doesn’t hook me within the first five pages. I don’t know what it is about the number five but I’d like to be drawn into the plot at least by page five.  I know, I know! That doesn’t give the author much time to bedazzle me but that’s that I’m looking for.

Yesterday the reading dilemma (if you can call it that) was resolved. As some of you know, I’m a LibraryThing Early Reviewer. From time to time I review not-yet-published books and tell ’em what I think. I’m not your standard reviewer. I don’t pour over the books looking for errors, I don’t critique style or continuity within an inch of its literary life, I don’t look for the proverbial gun to go off by the second act. In short, I have no clue why LT asked me to be an early reviewer in the first place. At any rate, there have been three chances to review and I have been selected all three times. Instead of trying to find the next BookLust book I’ll be reading Red Zone Blues: A Snapshot of Baghdad During the Surge by Pepe Escobar. I’m nervous. I won’t lie. I’m really nervous. I guess it’s the subject matter that has me so apprehensive. War vs Anti-war. I’ve never been able to take a stand. I could say it’s a “necessary evil” but I don’t believe in killing like that. But, then again…let’s just say I am sitting on the fence and I am, for lack of a better phrase, firmly stuck on the fence.
Take for example, So You Think You Can Dance. I was stuck watching it because some chick was dancing to “Waiting on the World to Change.” What I didn’t tell you is that all the contestants were required to dance to the same song, wearing the same white, peace signed outfit. I watched eight different people dance to the same song only because I wanted to hear that song different eight times. What can I say, I love my BubbleGum. By then I was hooked on the contest itself and all hope was lost in regards to changing the channel. But, back to the song. The dancers were instructed to dance as choreographed but they could add their own spin to spins. They were all supposed to end with their hands in the air, showing the peace sign. Some dancers ended with anger in their eyes, some had smiles of hope, others tears of sadness. Different opinions about the song translated into different opinions about war. The War. The executive producer was forced to issue a public apology at the beginning of the next episode. Since when does a song about peace immediately become synonymous with anti-war? Since when does dance become a political demonstration and art become a threat? See what I mean? Reading about the Middle East is going to be a tough gig for me.

“If we had the power to bring our neighbors home from war they would have never missed a Christmas. No more ribbons on the door. ~ John Mayer, Waiting on the World to Change.”  Has any soldier missed a holiday? Can someone tell me they haven’t? If we had the power to bring them home maybe they would miss Christmas for some other reason.

…climbing down from the soapbox.

Another World

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I’ve always thought I would like living under the sea, or in an aquarium…at the very least. The watery depths have always appealed to me. Maybe it’s because there is silence, pure silence. Inhabitants glide by, float by, dance by effortlessly, carelessly, and silently. Maybe because there is speckled sunlight near the surface but, for the most part, mostly there is only darkness. Murky and mysterious. It’s misleading but the ocean’s depths seem calm, quiet, even patient. What a contrast to the world above.
Me, I had contrasting worlds on Sunday. Sometime during the day I lost my energy. I put it down somewhere and promptly misplaced it. I spent most of the late afternoon in a self-induced stupor. Sleeping in fits, staring at the tv in a wide-eyed trance, eating things straight from containers. I watched nearly an entire season of “So You Think You Can Dance?” I got drawn in by the contestants while shoveling large spoonfuls of cottage cheese into my mouth; I put myself on the panel of judges and instantly became judgemental and sour. Surely she can’t win. He looks too goofy. Who am I to judge? One girl looked like she could bench press me with one arm and I was calling her a losing contestant?
Everyday has to have one redeeming quality, just one. Here it is: Earlier in the afternoon I ran over five miles after working out. Yes. What a contrast to the couch I just confessed to. I actually put hand to weight and lifted. And then, and then got on the treadmill for an hour! Imagine that! I know a certain someone will scoff at my paltry five miles. I can hear him now, “Five miles? An hour? Is that it? I’m just getting warmed up!” But, I’m proud of my five. Wait. Over five. I think it was more like 5.36 or something. Anyway. I’m proud of this run because it’s the first one that felt like me in a long time. The music between my ears matched the desire in my heart and fueled my feet to run. Then. I hit the couch. Go figure!
The contrast between treadmill and tv time is tremendous. One world colliding with another. Yet, both worlds are mine.

Murder the Meow

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In light of what’s been going on with Michael Vick, this is going to be in bad form, but I really want to know what the penalty is for killing a cat. The cat specifically known as MY cat. She is driving me absolutely nuts lately. Absofukcinglutely crazy. It started with puking on the carpet yesterday morning when I had to be at work 3.-tres?-three! hours early. This morning, sensing someone was awake (yeah, me. I had to pee), she starts crying to be fed. Only she doesn’t stop there. She jumps on the bed, finds the nightstand (on my side) and a lamp to headbutt & nudge. When that doesn’t work she makes her way to the cedar chest and discovers crunchy tree branches to gnaw on (the rewind: for our engagement party my family made a money tree out of branches from home. I’ve kept every stick). Kisa throws a pillow at Indy. She retreats to the hall, but is determined to keep begging. She yowls louder. Kisa swings the bedroom door shut. Indy takes to “scratching” at the door, her clawless paws paddling at a furious pace. It’s kinda funny but I have a few more minutes of sleep to snatch so I’m not laughing. I’m not even smiling. When we finally feed her she takes a few bites and then races around the apartment like she’s dropped a speedball. Up and down the stairs, window to window, meowing the entire way. Like I said – Nuts.

I have a theory. A few mornings ago I looked out the window at a gruesome sight. A mourning dove lay dead, decapitated on the ground. Tiny white feathers surrounded the body, but not much else. Did Indy witness the murder? Was she just on the other side of the window, that close to being next? Is she haunted by the scene of the crime? Does she worry she’s a marked cat? Or is she jealous? Did she want in on the killing? Did she salivate at the sight of bloodshed? Hunger for the hell unleashed? Does she miss the great outdoors, hunting and having claws? We find it odd that the culprit left the entire bird body behind with only the head unaccounted for. Today, all evidence is completely and utterly gone. Not a feather exists. Maybe, just maybe Indy is pissed someone took her fantasy away.

Wedding Waddle

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Since when did I start liking cake? I’ve never liked cake. For years and years I have been the one to bypass the big layers of bad and go for the fruit whatever. I’m a pie or tart girl. When did I give up the eat smart/eat healthy routine and opt for the Bring It On attitude? Examples: when our Austrian friends got married I attacked the buffet line like a linebacker with a big bite. When our German friends got married I got my own huge plate of everything and thensome. I had a healthy belly for the beverages, too. Merlot and two sour apple martinis. In that order. When did that happen? It happened to go right to my head.
To celebrate the season finale of The Closer Kisa and I ordered pizza. We stayed true to our tradition of wheat crust. Everything else went by the wayside. We ordered two zahs: Greek goodness (feta cheese, black olives, spinach, tomatoes, double cheese)…and an Aloha (ham, bacon, pineapple and…you guessed it, double cheese). Caution to the wind, diet be damned. It was damn good.
To make matters worse, my illicit affair with the vending machine has started up again, too. In short time I’ve got my routine down to a science. I wait until no one is around, slowly sidle up to the humming, glowing love machine of sweet and whisper my own sweet nothings in the form of quarters. Mr. V gives me exactly what I want, when I want it. I steal away, tearing open the wrapper, devouring chocolate and salt as I retreat back to my office as quickly as I can. I don’t want to be caught in the act, but the evidence of my betrayal lies in the trash. I won’t lay claim to it if confronted. Yet. Yet, I’m waiting for the day when I no longer care. When that day comes I’ll flaunt my unhealthy relationship with Mr. V. and brazenly chose a Snickers or Doritos with ease. E5 and B2. I’ll blatantly leave candy bar and potato chip wrappers in my wake, not even bothering to cover the crime. That day can’t be far off.
For some reason I’m liking this throw caution to the wind consumption, this eat everything in sight daring…except when it’s time to squeeze into those professional slim-cut pants or those cut-off-the-circulation panties. It’s enough constriction to go commando. When did this happen? Where was I when the health nut decided to leave town?