Category: Good

Time Tempted

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There are so many things crashing around in my head I couldn’t write a straight-up, this-is-my-life blog even if I wanted to. Like a maze of the brain I’m not even sure which way to start and it feels like there is no getting out. No way out.

The stupid things: there is a wasp buzzing in my office and there is a phone guy banging on my window. I don’t want the wasp to sting me, nor the maintenance guy to break the glass. I’m distracted by the worry of either (or both) of these things happening. I realize the wasp is just looking for a way out and the phone guy is just trying to rewire my office. Yet, I worry all the same. Don’t break my skin, nor my window.

The serious stuff: XCP needs registrations. I haven’t called the publics for liason capabilities. I just got the okay. ACE needs library interaction. We’ll set something up for the second week of school but it all takes planning. PALS starts in 3 weeks and I don’t think we are ready to serve our own public never mind theirs. I have a class in two days and I haven’t even looked at the schedule. Should I be worried that security clocked in but lied about where they went? Should I be concerned that I’m ignoring the vacation time I’m supposed to be taking? I don’t like butting heads with the clearly not here.

The other life: We bought a treadmill and I nearly ran 2.5 miles in 35 minutes. That doesn’t seem like much but consider this – warm up AND cool down are included in that 35. I’m getting there but I’ll blog elsewhere about the details. Grandad is giving up the fight. I hope he sees ghosts. My friend is pining for a married someone and she can’t walk away. Won’t let go. I don’t know who is hurting more. Cape Cod seemed a necessary journey if only to call it home. I recognize the damaged goods in myself. Thank you letters are not flowing from the pen like they should. What more can you say beyond simple gratitude? I got your letter. I’m just thinking of something to say beyond HowAreyou?

Time tempted: I made chicken tortilla soup last night. Red peppers and sweet vidalias sauteed with chunks of chicken, salt, pepper, coriander, thyme and cumin. Fresh salsa. Avocado, lime, tomatoes, cilantro, homemade tortilla strips seasoned with chili and cajun spices. Pepper jack cheese. Served with chili-lime corn on the cob and cold beer. Summer fiesta. Tonight I want to smoke pork chops in sweet apple wood chips. Serve them with crispy garlic green beans and chunky apple sauce…or maybe roasted broccoli and spicy apple rings made from Grannies. I don’t have a lot of time to think out meals.
Two nights ago I slept in fear of calf cramps. Last night the dreams were worse. I see you as I want you to be.

The Guardians

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The GuardiansCastillo, Ana. The Guardians. New York: Random House, 2007.

I received this book as one of those Early Reviewer books from Librarything.
Four different first-person voices tell the story of The Guardian. Regina (middle-aged, sassy entreprenuer looking after her brother’s son, Gabo), Gabo (Regina’s nephew. Serious, religious, older than his 16 years, heaviest on the Spanish, started running with a tough crowd), Miguel (a teacher and activist, has a laid back way of looking at the world around him, sizes people up accurately, has an interest in Regina), El Abuelo Milton (Miguel’s grandfather. He is described as being blind but can see Regina clear enough to call her a Helen of Troy goddess), The voices are accurate for each character. True to the elderly, Milton is always thinking about the past, Miquel remembers his activism days, Gabo searches for religious expression, and Regina tries to hold everything together.

The premise of this story is these four characters join together to solve the mystery of Gabo’s missing father after he disappears while crossing the Mexican border. Intertwined in the plot are political statements about drugs, the environment, gangs, immigration; as well as humanitarian statements about culture, relationships, families and community.

I find it interesting that Regina & Gabo both mention how avocados are the only thing Regina can’t grow in her garden. They also both mention changing the dog’s name. It’s as if both are trying to make excuses for these things.

Literary references mentioned:

  • One Hundred Years of Solitude by Garcia Marquez,
  • 1968: The Year That Rocked the World by Mark Kurlinsky,
  • Communist Manifesto by Friedrich Engels and Karl Marx,
  • The Idiot, Crime and Punishment, The Brothers Karamazov and The Gambler by Dostoyevsky,
  • Das Kapital by Karl Marx,
  • The Jungle by Upton Sinclair,
  • The Underdogs by Mariano Azuela,
  • Things Fall Apart by Achebe, and
  • The Second Coming by Yeats.

I know I’m not supposed to quote the book until it’s been published, but I can’t help it. I identified with Regina the most because all my favorite quotes came from her. “Not knowing when you are being teased also comes from being alone for inordinate amounts of time” (p 49). “Not being elegant doesn’t mean you don’t have class” (p 138). “No dream is too big when you are that young” (208).

Are You There? part two

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I ride the bus from time to time. I like to leave the driving to Greyhound every so often. It allows me to read uninterupted. Think without stopping. Be without moving… among other things.
The first part of my ride was a lesson in conversations with kids. Bouncing, loud, over-the-top kids. But, after they debarked I was able to open my book and read until Boston. Pure bliss…even it was one of those 1800’s romancy things.

Once in Boston we switched buses. I thought the longer your ride, the nicer the bus. Not so in this state. This particular bus had problems with the overhead lights, the AC, the foot rests and the driver. The lights and AC simply didn’t work. I moved three times and finally gave up. I had bruises from the foot rest snapping back into place and hitting my ankles on the way up. I kept forgetting they didn’t work either until finally I sat with my feet tucked underneath me. I had heart palpitations whenever the driver would blow red lights and drift into other lanes of traffic. He gave new meaning to the phrase Bat Out of Hell. Trying to ignore this, I turned to my mp3 player for distraction and listened to every song at least twice. I couldn’t figure out how to turn the repeat function off. To make matters worse the battery ran down until finally, I couldn’t get the off button to function so, ironically, I listened to These Are Days four times before the player finally quit for good and all I had left was silence.

I think Manda will appreciate where I am going with this story. I am pleased to announce that I love my phone. More specifically, I love the text function on my phone. Somewhere along my journey I found I had a text message from a very smart man. I think he knew that I wouldn’t actually call anyone while on the bus so he wrote, texted me, whatever. I texted him back – is that the right way to say I sent a text reply? A few moments later he wrote again and I discovered we were headed in the same direction. I have no clue how he was responding since he was driving at the same time. It’s hard enough just sitting there, leaving the driving to someone else to text! The conversation turned to updates: where are you now? What are YOU now? Sitting in the dark, clutching the phone I waited for it to vibrate so I could reply again. Are you there? At one point he announced he was only minutes behind me. I dared him to catch up. Despite the impossibility of it, I giggled at the thought and actually watched out the window, half expecting the silver streak of a kayak laden car to go speeding by.
My friend saved my sanity that night. There was a darker reason for taking the bus that day. For me, riding with strangers is the fastest way to feeling lonely. I force myself into crowded solitude to feel the sadness of being by myself. Like an addict cutting himself to feel pain, my invisible knife was 5.5 hours alone with my thoughts. Only, at the end of my journey I wasn’t alone. Someone got me to smile at the idea of being just behind me; at the mere thought of catching up to me.

Accidental Connoisseur

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Accidental ConnoisseurOsborne, Lawrence. The Accidental Connoisseur: An Irreverent Journey Through the Wine World. New York: Fair Point Press, 2004.

Even though I don’t know much about wine and I probably wouldn’t have picked up this book if it weren’t for the challenge, I had to admit this: ILMAO. Lawrence Osborne has a great deal of fun with the punny, the witty, and the downright funny. Right off the bat, on page four, he had me giggling with “all drinks came under the Arabic word alcohol, essentially reducing them to a level of chemical sin, and none of them could be bought on Sunday.” Especially since we had downed a wine called Evil on vacation, thanks to Stacey. See below for the proof.

Even if you aren’t a wine drinker or even a wine liker, Osborne’s writing will amuse you. He has phrases that are somewhat identifiable as my own, “when the happiness of drinking overwhelms you, you cannot resist it” (p 21) and “Wine is 99% psychological, a creation of where you are and with whom” (p 22). This makes me sound wildly alcoholic, but bear with me a second. Think of any great seduction scene. Who is usually front and center (along with soft music and sexy candlelight)? Partners in  crime – a wine bottle and two wine glasses. I found that a glass of wine is definitely more pleasurable when enjoyed in the presence of good friends and equally good scenery.
Seriously, I learned a lot from this short book. For example, how you space the vines in each row determines the complexity of a wine (according to one grower). The theory is plants with less crowding don’t have to compete for sunlight and growth space. They are more relaxed and get this, less stressed out. You see, the more stressed out a plant is, the more psychotic it is. It’s this aggrivated state that develops the complexity of flavor. Got it? I learned a new wine word, too: terroir. Makes me think of ‘terror’ but whatever.

Other favorite parts: “”what do you taste?” “Grapes,” I said. “Good. That’s what’s in it!”” (p 97)

“If wine is sex, ” I said, “this is like yoga.”
“Yoga? You’re saying it’s like yoga?”… I’m not sure I get you there. You mean athletic?”
“Virtuous. Unsexy.”
“Ah, you mean American!” (p 101)

But, probably my favorite line is an obvious one, “Wine summons ghosts out of the cupboard” (p 228).

BookLust Twist: From More Book Lust in the chapter “A Holiday Shopping List” (p 115). It’s true that I would buy this for the wine lover that I know, only I don’t think he drinks and reads. Is that a problem?
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RobinElla Rolled with It

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RobinellaCDWhile kisa was rocking out at Fenway to the sounds of Sting & Co., I was at the Iron Horse, enjoying a Wicked Wally and listening to RobinElla with a good friend. I think I had the better deal, if you ask me!
I didn’t write down a setlist. For starters, I didn’t have a pen. I also didn’t know as many of the songs as I thought I would. RobinElla has come out with four albums and I only have the latest, Solace for the Lonely. I decided halfway through her set that I would buy whichever album had “Dress Me Up” because I liked it that last time she was here and I loved it this time. “Man Over” also won me over. Unfortunately, the IH doesn’t take credit cards and I didn’t think ahead to get cash. Getting mugged makes you consider what’s worth carrying. RobinellaSo, I promised myself I’d go to RobinElla’s website and get whatever I wanted directly from her. But, back to the music.
RobinElla opened with “Down the Mountain” and sang it so differently I almost didn’t recognize it. She entertained us with covers (Alison Kraus) and stories. As S & I sat there, savoring mounds of deep chocolate brownie, creamy vanilla icecream, gooey hot fudge sauce and whipped cream (of course) I couldn’t help thinking about how perfect everything was. I had run earlier (met S with a red face) so I wasn’t feeling guilty about the decadent dessert; We had great seats (in other words not right under Robinella’s nose). I love her voice voice, her humor (who in the world is Hans? Her joke about eye candy was spent on Cruz the last time we saw her), her country grace. When we got her to come back up for an encore I asked for “I Fall in Love (as Much as I Can)” just because it’s my favorite. Robinella added some humorous adlibs and I knew I had yelled out the right request.

ps~ this pic is not from our night out. I was too chicken to take pics!

Monhegan House Lights

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This is our last night home. A big dinner with friends and a rainy walk home in the dark. We’re not tourists so we shrug off offers of raincoats and laugh off offers of flashlights. Don’t be ridiculous. We don’t need no stinkin’ flashlights! Laughter all around. Passing darkened houses I can remember feeling nostalgic, romantic on that walk home. The last night home is always like that. Every stone in the road is a well known marker for where we are, where we are going. I relish the soft rain and heavy salt air. Standing before the Monhegan House I remember this is where we got married, where we celebrated well into the night. I can hear the music pounding, the clinking of wine glasses, champagne toasts, tuaca shots, the laughter floating out into the night, the love swirling up to the heavens. I imagine my father, ethereal in the clouds, reaching down to catch my prayers wrapped in bittersweet smiles. I imagine the tourists in their guestrooms. Are they reading dogeared fiction, writing in journals about the day’s hike, examining bird books, touching up paintings created on the backside, or sleeping with the lights on? I try to imagine being a real tourist, here for the first time. What would I think of this place on my first night here? I’m always curious about what brings people here in the first place. Only, it’s not my first night here. It’s my last. Hand in hand we walk back to the cottage. Kisa senses my heavy heart and puts his arm around my shoulder. Glancing back at the MH it’s lit up like a pumpkin. My thoughts turn to fall. I’ll be back.

Black Blame Game

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This. This picture is what I thought about when trying to meditate at Now & Zen Yoga studio last night. It looks like a whole lot nothing, a clear mind…but look carefully. Something is there. Something lurks. Just like in my head, something was on the fringe of calm; just on the edge of quiet. Blame. Ruth called it Wanting vs. Not Wanting. Like a psychobabble tennis match, I bounced between the two. I want to be as confident HERE as when I am THERE. I do not want to worry about this zit mutating on my chin. Why can’t I not worry about it HERE like I didn’t worry about it THERE? As this volleying went on I felt panic set in. I was slipping away from the calm and quiet I had so proudly achieved just moments before. Where was that peaceful easy feeling? Why was I thinking about how awful I am all of a sudden? The blame game was in full swing. Was I completely losing it? Was I stepping off the train and utterly missing the boat?
Fortunately, I was able to grab the bouncing ball and stop the guilt game for the rest of the session. But. but, but here it is again. In my court. Thanks to Ms. Klein. We write parallel blogs. Maybe not on the same days, but sooner or later we talk about similar things. Since I have missed a week of her writings I’m a few blogs behind. Today I read about fault. It took me by surprise because that was the very game that I was playing last night in the middle of a meditation class. Try as she might, Ms. Klein was not able to convince herself it was someone else’s fault. It always came back to her and the question of what she did wrong. Just like how I keep coming back to my split personality problem. I’m like a boater who doesn’t know how to skull, so I keep going around in circles with my one oar. Someone can tell me it’s a question of confidence. I’ve figured that one out on my own. Someone can tell me it’s an issue with comfort. I got that, too. I have all the answers. What I still don’t know is WHY.
Maybe some things aren’t meant to be figured out. Maybe being in the dark with only a hint of the answers is how it has to be. Maybe, in this one case, I need to let the mystery be. Oddly enough, this comforts me. It also brings out the creative thoughts in me. Who says I can’t be there permanently some day?

Bastard out of Carolina

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Bastard out of CarolinaAllison, Dorothy. Bastard out of Carolina. New York: Penguin, 1993.

The only way I can describe how I felt after finishing Bastard is raw. Raw and used up. Maybe it’s because this is my second time reading it. Maybe it’s because I reread this in two days. I don’t know. There are a thousand different ways to describe the book itself: coming of age, looking for acceptance, southern, white trash poverty, motherhood gone by the wayside. It’s a nightmare of a mother loving a cruel stepfather (Pearl calls him “violent and predatory”) more than her own daughter. I could go on and on but that would only ruin the depression. Oddly enough, I loved it. I loved Bone’s defiant voice as she tried to make her way through life as the oldest daughter of young mother Anney. I loved her keen observance of her surroundings, “It was dangerous, that heat. It wanted to pour out and burn everything up, everything they had that we couldn’t have, everything that made them think they were better than us” (p 103).
The social commentary on men and women, men against women was poignant, too. “A man belongs to the woman who feeds him…the woman belongs to the ones she feeds” (p 157).

BookLust Twist: Bastard out of Carolina is mentioned twice in Nancy Pearl’s Book Lust. First, in the chapter called “Grit Lit” (p 106), and then in the chapter simply called “Southern Fiction” (p 222).

pps~ I was wondering if this was ever made into a movie and it has…back in 1996. Where have I been?

raindrops revive

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Third day home. We had the morning to hike our asses off; to get to the places we didn’t cover the day before. Cathedral to destroy fairy houses built in bad places (& rebuild for good), Gull Pond to ponder the gulls, Blackhead if only to get lost on deer trails, the lighthouse. Giant sandwiches for lunch. Giant appetites to match. I still can’t believe I could eat so much! When the storm crept across the sky we were already lounging across couches, groaning with bellies full and books cracked open. This picture was taken from my vantage point on the couch. We didn’t couldn’t move for hours.

The rain never bothers me at home. Things get a little muddy, but somehow the air tastes different after a good, good storm. The salt has been replaced by something sweeter. The stuff myths are made of. I can’t explain it anymore than that. The rain helped my equilibrium as well. The scales were being tipped in favor of here and, for once, there finally started to slip away.

Gift from the Sea

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GiftsLindbergh, Anne Morrow. Gift From the Sea. New York: Vintage Books, 1991.

I have to say this is something every woman should read annually. The words and their meaning will change every single time and they will be different for every reader. In the simpliest of terms Gift From the Sea uses seashells, (whelk, moon shell, oyster) all gifts from the sea, as metaphors for life, vehicles for deeper thoughts. On vacation (ironically on an island, like me) Anne picks seashells and ponders religion, relationships, growing old, being young, nature, love and marriage…She picks at nagging thoughts like scabs, letting them bleed, revealing raw emotion and a tender heart. Here are a few of my favorite quotes:

“…I think best with a pencil in my hand” (p 9). I agree!
“…I have shed the shell of my life for these few weeks of vacation” (p 22). Since I was on vacation when I read that I had to smile because it happens to me, too.
“…social life is exhausting; one is wearing a mask” (p 32). Very true! Couldn’t have said it better myself.
“And since our communication seems more important to us than our chores, the chores are done without thinking” (p 100).

I read this in an afternoon. Gulls cried overhead, sea air salted my skin, waves crashed in the distance. It was the perfect setting for Gift from the Sea.

BookLust Twist: From the chapter called “Journals and Letters: We Are All Voyeurs at Heart” (p 130). I swear on everything holy I did NOT have More Book Lust with me when I wrote this review. I was still home without any of my Pearl books. So, I was incredibly surprised to read these words from Pearl, “Some of us still reread them yearly to remind ourselves of what’s important in this frantic world” (p 131). Pearl is referring to everything written by Lindbergh, but I had the exact same thought specifically about Gift from the Sea. Gift from the Sea is also in Book Lust in the chapter, “100 Good Reads, Decade by Decade” (p 175).

Juggling Here and There

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Home on day two is always tricky. I am are waiting for street lights to change when the roads aren’t even paved. Traffic is on foot, a gang of overwhelmed artists not sure what to paint next. I step around them and move on. I am listening for a 7am wakeup call when the entire house doesn’t have a clock, alarm, wall, or otherwise (we recommend something). I am thinking the tapwater smells a little funny while the outdoor air smells wonderful. I can’t stop leaning out the kitchen window and inhaling. I am thinking I am missing something and then it dawns on me- I haven’t plugged into the internet, a cell phone or a television set in over 24 hours. Suddenly, there is small panic. I’ll miss The Closer! Who am I missing on myspace? How many emails are piling up on gmail? Yahoo!? Outlook? First Class? What about the blog(s)? Librarything? PostSecret?
Being home is a balance, a juggling act between here and there. I want to be here, but the residue of there is still sticky to the touch, nagging at the brain. It’s not easy to let the Dunkin’ Donuts coffee cup go. The commute to work is still the autopilot I think of.
It’s day two and I start to compromise. Half shave the legs, half comb the hair. Wear half clean clothes. Half think about that life over there and half concentrate on settling in. Crack open the book.
Day two and we hike the backside cliffs, finding mysteries along the way. Who built this thing and why? How long did it take? I can’t let the mystery be for there is a whole army of them, all juggling rocks and drift wood. All juggling here and there. Just like me.

Under the Tuscan Sun

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Mayes, Frances. Under the Tuscan Sun: At Home in Italy. New York: Broadway Books, 1997.Under the Tuscan Sun

Under the Tuscan Sun was made into a movie I have never seen, nor do I think I ever want to. I don’t see how the richness of Mayes’s Italy comes to life on the silver screen. I can’t picture the blood, sweat and tears of rebuilding a house; the glorious smells of garden fresh cooking; the love and laughter of enjoying one’s surroundings in moving pictures. I don’t see how Mayes’s  lush language is communicated. Really. Tuscan Sun is the journey of a woman (with the help of her second husband) to rebuild a Tuscan farmhouse. While she struggles with culture, language barriers and politics she falls in love with her Italian life. Try as I might I can’t see it as a movie. Okay, so now maybe I’ve convinced myself to see it out of curiosity!
I think I’m having trouble picturing a movie because I read Under the Tuscan Sun in my own personal paradise – by the dying light of fiery sunsets with the cadance of the surf as my only distractions. To say that I devoured Under the Tuscan Sun is an understatement. During the day I read it between hiking, eating, and breathing in my own love affair with a place. Every single time Mayes gushed about her Italian home I wanted to challenge her. I wanted to boast that it was I, not she, who was living the perfect life. On page 86 she says, “Where you are is who you are. The further inside you the place moves, the more your identity is intertwined with it. Never casual the choice of place is the choice of something you crave.” I found that quote so profound to my place I had to choke back tears. It is hard to explain arriving on Monhegan and reading those words on the very first night home. I had arrived to the only place my soul knows intimately. The only place where my whole being breathes a sigh of relief. Home is who I am, for sure. Later, I bought a guestbook for our rental cottage and wrote Mayes’s same words on the inside cover.

BookLust Twist: From More Book Lust in the chapter called “Ciao, Italia” (p 46). I like that Pearl describes Mayes adventure as a “love affair” (p 47). We’re both on the same page with this book.

My love affair:
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Sigh of this Soul

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This is my first night home. I remember being exhausted from not sleeping well the night before (I never can in a strange place); tired from traveling all day; tired from being on the water (boats always make me drowsy), and tired from that other life’s load. It was a relief to finally set it down.
We ordered pizza right off the boat. The Humble, large with mom. Sue set aside goat cheese and a decadent dessert for me. Chocolate and cream. We crowded around the dining room table and laughingly devoured it with wine. Welcome home. I felt like a six year old, like Queen Eloise. Skipping and giggling, giddy to be back where I belonged.
Later, Kisa and I slipped away to view the dying light of day, just the two of us, hand in hand. A simple hike to what I call Heather’s point. With arms around each other we talked the “what ifs” of living here, working here, loving here, being here for good. Wild fantasy and speculation gave way to silence as we pondered the possibilities. Lost in our own thoughts of what could be. On that first day nothing seemed impossible.

Autobiography of a Face

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AutobiographyGrealy, Lucy. Autobiography of a Face.New York: HarperCollins, 2003.

I had all the right conditions to finish this book in two days – traveling, vacationing, but most of all, fascination. I couldn’t put it down. On the surface Autobiography of a Face is the tragic story of one woman’s struggle with cancer and journey through recovery. Only her struggle isn’t as an adult. She is a child. Confronting Ewing’s sarcoma at age nine Lucy battles through radiation therapy and chemotherapy. Her tone can only be described as matter of fact as she recounts the loneliness and pain after countless surgeries to correct the deformity of losing a third of her jaw. Deeper than that, Autobiography is about rising above the cruelty of others, shaking off the superficial prejudices of what supposedly makes a face beautiful. Lucy is defiant and remarkably stoic in her recollections of childhood taunts, adult avoidance, and across the board lack of social acceptance.
Critics call this book the vehicle with which to free oneself from self loathing and fears of rejection. It is a message to stop wallowing in self pity and live with dignity – no matter what. It’s also a call to be human and have real emotions as Lucy admits, “and as much as I wanted to love everybody in school and waft esoterically into the ether when someone called me ugly, I was plagued with petty desires and secret, evil hates” (p 181).

My favorite quote: “speaking seemed like something one could grow tired of” (p 77).

Lucy’s story ends with her getting published, finding friendships and getting on with her life. Yet, there is a darkness to it all. She is criticized for not telling the whole truth. There is mystery surrounding her untimely death in 2002. Her story leaves you asking what happened and wanting more. What the book doesn’t tell you is that her multiple surgeries led to an addiction to pain meds and subsequently, heroin. She died of an overdose at the age of 39. There is more drama after death, but I’ll leave that for you to figure out.

BookLust Twist: From More Book Lust and the chapter “Other People’s Shoes” (p 181). I can’t even begin to imagine being in Lucy’s shoes.

If I Could Give You

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If I could, I would give you the ocean for your birthday. I would bottle up every wide blue wave with love. Just for you, I would give you just one more day. If I could, I would give you another day of salty skin, fogbound sky and pounding surf. I would command the seas to rise just a little higher. Just for you. If I could, I would throw you a gull party with the loudest squawkers. Lobster tails and ears of corn for party favors. If no one comes we’ll entertain the crows, for one more day. If I could, I would find the finest purple seaglass and present it as a blooming flower. If I could, I would give you just one more day. If I could, I would buy you one more humble or whoopie pie…or maybe one of each. Just one more day.
Instead we’ll have Mocha dreams in a bed fit for a king…or at least a knight in shining armour.

Happy birthday, my love.