Category: Good

Jumping Off

gr4c57 Comments

I think about suicide from time to time. When I said this to my boss he looked me in the eye and solomnly said “we all do.” He didn’t try to patronize me and talk me out of something considered. He knew what I meant. I have respect for people like that.

Right now I am considering suicide of a different nature. I think by even writing this I risk decapitation of some sort. I want to jump off this career track and lay myself down in the way of the oncoming train of change.
What do you do when you find out your organization isn’t supported, barely acknowledged? What do you do when your values are scoffed at, swept under the rug? The writing is on the wall. The truth is in black and white for everyone to read and I don’t know what to do. Really don’t.

My contract is up in June. I promised kisa I would open the newspaper to the section I haven’t looked at in over six years. I promised him I would update the resume and who cares that the ink has even’t dried on the word “director”?

There is a part of me that wants to fight. Fight like hell. We have a good group. If we work together couldn’t we beat Goliath at his own game? Why shouldn’t we try? Or what about this – why can’t I play the Darwin game and try to survive on my own? Band with the enemy and take ’em all out? I’ve only been playing this game for three years. Before that I was a bit player, a volunteer. Who’s to say I can’t switch teams and go public? So many questions. No answers.

For now, all I want to do is jump. Suicide.

From Start to Finish

gr4c56 Comments

From start to finish it was an all Good Night. Good food. Good company. Good music. Good drinks. Good plans. Good night. Where should I start? Kisa and I arrived at the factory not knowing what to expect. How do I explain this? I was more than excited to hear my favorite heartbeat, see my favorite couple, have a night out with my one and only favorite man. We interrupted sound check inadvertently. We had time to sit for dinner. The first thing I spotted when we were seated was a giant SpeakEasyExtravaganza poster. Huge. I entertained thoughts of stealing it. Fantasized about where it would go on my wall. I would have sacrificed Natalie for Soul Session for sure.
The music. Where do I even start about the music? Sean Rowe is amazing. I absolutely adore his voice. I was mesmerized by how much sound he and his guitar could put out. They were locked in harmony. I wanted him to sing all night long…well, if Greg could join him! My only disappointment? Wondering if I missed ‘Snake in the Grass’. All night I thought about it. (We came up late.) We ended up buying a cd so I would eventually hear my favorite SR song…twice. I didn’t know I would enjoy Sean as much as I did (even though Brian said I would)…so now I’m going to watch Sean’s tour schedule to try to see him more often. At least more often than once. I wonder if he’ll ever get out my way?

Then came Soul Session. It was a SS I have never seen or heard before. Back up singers…two keyboards…sax and flute…all new faces. All new sound. I didn’t hear my favorite cover, ‘Is You Is’ and I missed Greg’s first mini solo, but I had a great time just the same. It was a real party atmosphere (“bringing classy back”) – people dressed up, food, fancy drinks, candy, free stuff (kisa and I both got shirts and shot glasses) glitter dance floor, strobe lights and not a place to sit – every table packed. I decided my favorite moments were 1) not one but three men banging drums with Sean singing, 2) Night and Day (done right) and 3) being with the coolest people ever. I wish I had a setlist. I had moments during every song that sparked me one way or another. From pants-splitting special guests to Sade there was something to remember. I could have stayed all night.

Even better? Talking about filming. Drum beats. Foot prints. Cymbal smashing. I want it all. It was a good night. From start to finish.

Dangerous to D’bone

gr4c52 Comments

knivesIt was Christmas again yesterday (in more ways than one, but I’ll get to that some other time). In December Kisa bought me a knife. I guess, according to someone in the culinary world, it is bad luck to buy someone a knife. To offset the “badness” you must give money as well. Are you thinking scam? Because it sounds like a scam to me…but nevertheless Kisa presented me not only with an eight inch Santoku (pictured here) he also gave me a gift certificate which I used for a knife skills class.
Class was yesterday. For me, the biggest rattler of life is thinking you know something and then finding out you’ve been wrong all along. A loser in the knowledge department. Playing the fool in the grand scheme of things. Such was my case before getting to class. I have been slicing, dicing, mincing, milling, you name it, for years. Someone had tried to show me the “right” way to dice. What if I really had been doing it all wrong, wrong, wrong all this time? A worse thought? I’d have to touch a chicken bone-in. I even joked with kisa the night before, “watch. They’re gonna make me debone a chicken.” I was practically trembling when I got to class. And I was right. And wrong.

I was right about the chicken.chicken Wrong about my abilities. Here’s the bottom line on holding a sharp instrument – it’s a sharp instrument. Hold it any damn way you please to get the job done…with care. There are four professional ways to hold food while “knifing” it. But, variations are acceptable. Completely acceptable. Yay. Class was easier than easy because everything the instructor taught us was something I either knew how to do really well (citrus supremes) or had attempted a few times (Asian garnishes) and everything in between. I’ve never worked in a restaurant but somehow I’ve held my own when holding a knife.

Then came the chicken. Unchartered waters for sure. I have never ever so much as touched a raw chicken that still has it’s skeletal structure. Panic set in. Surely this is where I would slice a thumb off, throw up, or worse – faint. Meat on the bone creates vegetarian thoughts in me. Seriously. Bones make it easier to see the creature it really is. Or Was. Whatever.
The instructor set to instructing. Her “first you do this, then this, then this, then this, then this…” play by play made my head spin. How would I remember to do that in that order? I think my eyes glazed over at that point. When we finally put boning knife to bony chicken I thought “surgery” and went to work. By the end I had a perfectly butterflied, boneless, not-resembling-an-animal-anymore piece of meat. The instructor came by and uttered “perfect” before moving on. Who knew anyone would say “perfect” in my presence? Perfectly unprepared for that.

I learned. I learned how to hone a knife (I mastered 20 degrees on my first try). I learned what dulls a knife (fat, picking up food). But, most importantly, I learned not to take my own knowledge for granted. I sell myself and my abilities short and this was just one more reason why I shouldn’t.

SoulSessionSeanRoweComingSoon…..

Green Like Me

gr4c57 Comments


The snow fell yesterday like it was January 16th instead of three months later than that. Instead of being the weekend of St. Patrick’s Day green it has been wild winter white. People spent their Saturday morning digging out driveways and sanding sidewalks. Not a shamrock in sight. We were no different before we headed to the office. Snowblowers and shovels. Backbreaking for the already bruised kisa.
Maybe I was thinking of Myrtle. Maybe I was envious of the Irish. I don’t know. Whatever the reason I changed one wall of my office to “Amazon” green. I kid you not. I hired a professional painter and while kisa & I hung curtains and rearranged furniture my wall of blue was washed away with an anaconda hue. It took two coats to subdue the blue underneath but in the end I had a wall of jungle.
Sometimes you need to do something a little daring. Go out on a limb. I see green as a little dangerous, a little evil. Maybe this snake-like hue will give me the venom I need to fight in the future. Court battles and corporate takeovers and cold hearts.

I sat and I watched Myrtle. Ancient and grace. Beautiful and green.

Running with John

gr4c53 Comments

                                                                                                                       JM

Kisa found me MSG so I went running with BubbleGum yesterday. I call it my revenge run because it was at this time a year ago that I injured my knee. I didn’t know it yet. It was at this time that everything started to crumble, tumble down and my beliefs on running were compromised.  Last year I had been robbed of the nice weather and reduced to “running” the eliptical. Doctors orders.

This year I took John out and we made it through the streets of where I call home. Running on the road I couldn’t help but wonder how soaked my feet were going to be by the end of it all. Snow was subsiding into streams and running alongside me. I dodged as best I could, ran through when I had to. On Bridge I had companions – two very loose dogs, one gray, one brown. I don’t remember their breed but I recognized them from the calendar my sister gets every year for Christmas. I should have asked for autographs, but then again, that would have required stopping. John said something about waking up and forgetting for five seconds all the sh!t that bothers you. Nice idea. When I got to the graveyard I thought I would run by Get Head but realized I would rather run among the souls. It ended up not being as intimate as I would have liked but it made for a good shortcut in the end. Down by Kisa’s chiropractor appointment I thought about stopping in and only decided against it when I realized I didn’t know the way in. Plus, I didn’t want to stop my uphill battle. I ran on and only stopped when John did.

Bottom line: 3.8 miles

Not So Far

gr4c5Leave a comment

I’ve been working on flickr all friggin’ day. I think I can safely call it a new obsession. Not because I have actively been behind the camera lately, but because I can hear my mother in my head. She’s talking about how she never sees the photos that I take. Hundreds of photos. Tons of trips. Lots of faces. She’s not complimenting my pictures, but rather compensating for the fact that she feels left out of something…whatever that something may be.

I stumbled across this picture and realized that even though it was orginally a “wedding planning” picture (as it was the site for the reception), it is now a “house we are renting this summer” picture. Cool. It’s within a stroll of the island’s best pizza, great coffee and of course, should the need arise, public restrooms…and the church. Only “the bog” separates us from what is considered the heart of town. (The heart being where the most gossip takes place and that would be the post office.)

It’s hard to imagine grilling in the summer sun with the snow coming down the way it is now.  But, I’m getting excited. Only 4 months to go.

boots for kisa

gr4c56 Comments

I adore this picture. There is so much going on in this one, poorly lit shot. Take the boots, for example. The boots shocked people. No. I take that back. The boots surprised only those who don’t really know me and shocked those who don’t believe in me. The flowers amazed me. Even now, still. Grown just for my day. Our day. Not a single blossom purchased in a no-name greenhouse. There was even a tiger lily if you looked close enough. My parents on their wedding day peeked out from the green. Their faces kept me calm, kept me grounded on an otherwise outrageous day. I wore a veil to look the part of champagne bride and maybe I blushed. I don’t remember. Kisa laughed from the shadows. Not a what-did-I-just-do? laugh, but did-I-really-marry-this-crazy-woman? laugh. It’s the banter of a new beginning. We are happy and defiant. Still.

Day 1 Ended

gr4c5Leave a comment

TO ACCOMPLISH TODAY:
1.) Shop for three (3) meals (something chicken, something pork, something veggie:
Done! The “new” market is a bit fancy-schmancy but I enjoyed myself. Garlic and lemons, green onions and apricots, feta and picante tomato juice.
2.) Get phone numbers, addresses and emails to Hub.
Done! Technically, that should have taken a fraction of my time but I got sucked into #3…
3.) Read Climate of Treason for an hour.
Done! I got a few chapters read and since this law book isn’t due back for another month I’m in good shape.
4.) Read Children of the Souls for an hour.
I actually read 7 1/2 Cents instead. Reading two World War I books back to back was a little much. I opted for 7 because it’s humorous.
5.) Practice yoga for an hour.
6.) Write up a to-do list for the guest room(s). Gotta love lists! 😉 Yes, but I never got to it.
7.) Continue the great curtain hunt.
I looked online and wasn’t happy with anything I found. This is going to be more difficult than I thought.
8.) Pay some bills.
9.) Draft the first letter to Yoko.
I did this in my head a few times. Never made it to paper. Maybe tomorrow.
10.) Call mom Maybe tomorrow….
Bonus ~ call for a hair appointment.

Was today successful? I’m not sure. I added things to the list and other things took more time that I thought. I gave myself a hair treatment and my face a mud mask (the house smells like vinegar now). I prepared a brine for tomorrow’s pork. I got the ingredients for the chocolate banana cake together. Dinner was a juggling African number from Tyler Florence. Homemade spice rub (dry), homemade green olive sauce, apricot couscous salad, garlic, lemon, herb chicken….yummy. Tons of ingredients. Time consuming. I did a load of hand washables. Sweaters drive me nuts to dry. Judging Amy got me for one episode. And I bought cottage cheese.

Day 1

gr4c5Leave a comment

Today I am using this blog as a productivity meter. I’ll blog about what I want to accomplish and at the end of the day, make a comparison. It’s stupid, really. I have stressed all weekend that I would squander my week off, that I would end up on my azz on the couch, watching Judging Amy and eating cottage chesse straight from the container. Okay, we don’t have cottage cheese…but you get the point. I could easily piss the whole day away because I’ve been going through weeks of worry and fury. So, without further ado:

TO ACCOMPLISH TODAY:
1.) Shop for three (3) meals (something chicken, something pork, something veggie.
2.) Get phone numbers, addresses and emails to Hub.
3.) Read Climate of Treason for an hour.
4.) Read Children of the Souls for an hour.
5.) Practice yoga for an hour.
6.) Write up a to-do list for the guest room(s). Gotta love lists! 😉
7.) Continue the great curtain hunt.
8.) Pay some bills.
9.) Draft the first letter to Yoko
10.) Call mom…….
Bonus ~ call for a hair appointment.

Let the games begin….

Pour Me More

gr4c51 Comment

I’ve shunned the electronic social network and opted for the face to face this weekend. There’s some birthday reminder on myspace but I’ve ignored it. I had more fun wishing Sandy happy birthday as she poured me another cup of coffee and took my order. It was nice to see my husband sit up and take a meal for the first time in a week. Face to face, pour me more.
Last night I went out to dinner with the girls. Pasta and wine (Merlot, of course). Stories and laughter. We saved leftovers for later and didn’t worry about manners. Face to face, pour me more.
Today, I helped a friend with *her* office space. It was nice to not think about me, myself and moi for a little while. A different paint brush dipped in paint a different shade of blue. Lying on the floor, paying attention to detail and catching up. Face to face, pour me more.
Tonight, I am going to put my feet in kisa’s lap and watch ‘Go Further’…with wine. We’ll talk about my mother’s birthday, my family’s visit and beautiful Colorado. We’ll worry about backaches, try to figure out how to ship a burrito through the mail and laugh about the cat. We’ll take on life face to face. Pour me more and let me drink it up.

Believe in Bootlegs

gr4c5Leave a comment

I’ve never been one to get  too involved with the great bootleg debate. Either you believe in taping or you don’t. Either you see it as a way to share live music or you see it as a way to steal from said artist. Whatever. I know where I stand. My first introduction to boots was my husband. I had just seen Natalie Merchant for the very first time (Le Spectrum, Montreal October 1999). Kisa found “the show” for me and finagled a trade. I had no clue what that meant and was in awe of the idea that everything Natalie said would be mine for keeps in the form of a cd I could listen to over and over again. Her reading of Freddie the Fish in French, her Happy Birthday to Me inebriation, Hey Jack (twice), the swearing – yes, Natalie swears. It was like I was back in Montreal, speaking bad French and sipping amazing coffee. When the cds arrived I could barely believe I could relive one of the best moments of my concert-going life. I was hooked. In my mind, because I was at this show I have a souvenir, a keepsake of a good time. Later I found a show I took my mother to. We had one of the best mother-daughter times I could ever ask for. On the recording I can hear kisa and mom helping me scream for a request… and at the end of the show when Natalie breathes “good night Portland” I know she is leaning down to smile at us.
Fast forward to last night. Kisa found a “secret” show that BubbleGum put on before the release of Continuum. An intimate show billed under a fake name. BG is like Natalie in that he likes to showcase his new songs to an unsuspecting audience, just to test them out. Just show up somewhere and play it out, play it for them. See how it all turns out. I am grateful for the recording. I am so busy the chances of “discovering” a secret show are next to nil. And the chances of BG or Natalie choosing my little town to drop in on is even less. So, having a boot of something I missed out on is awesome.
Here’s how I look at the great debate. If the artist supports taping it’s not stealing. The other angle is this – when I went to see BG I paid $4o (bt) for the ticket. I bought two shirts to the tune of $60 and you can bet I’ll buy every album he puts out from now on. How did this all start? I heard a bootleg of a Jimi Hendrix cover and was impressed. If I hadn’t heard the boot I wouldn’t have given BG a second look. I wouldn’t have spent $100+ in a single night. He gained a fan because he allowed someone to share. With me. 

So, I see bootlegs as a way to capture a I-Was-There moment. I see bootlegs as a way to alleviate that I-Missed-Out feeling. Finally, I see bootlegs as a way to get to know an artist I never would have taken a chance on otherwise. One final word – share the music. If it’s not yours don’t sell it.

helfen Sie mir

gr4c56 Comments

I firmly believe that all things happen for a reason. Everything has a purpose in the grand scheme of things. Take yesterday, for example. A coworker called me to say he couldn’t make it to work. Begrudgingly I threw on clothes and went in three hours early. Driving through rain only made me angrier. The roads weren’t treacherous. My 40 minute drive wasn’t hindered by weather. Meanwhile, my coworker took the whole day off because his 15 minute drive was compromised by rain. Rain! The whole day off. That didn’t help my already fiery disposition. Kisa called to “check in” three hours later. His drive to work was the same as mine. He knew I’d be mad.
But, now, 24 hours later I’m looking at the rain differently. If I hadn’t been called to work early I wouldn’t have been able to paint my office. I wouldn’t have been able to leave that same office three hours early. Getting home at 3:45 in the afternoon allowed me solitude, silence. When I first got there I “shoveled” the slush from the walkways and driveways. It was heavy work but I poured my anger into the exercise, relished the exertion. When I finally came inside I didn’t bother turning up the heat, turning on any lights. I didn’t idly pick up clothes,straighten cushions or start laundry as is my custom when I have time to myself. Instead, I stretched out on the couch and in the dying daylight lost myself in a book about a real war. The personal battle of my life faded into the distance as I read accounts of World War I battle. It turns out my coworker gave me 145 minutes of time to tune out.

I called my mother this morning. As I dialed the digits I steeled myself for a battle of a different kind; we don’t always see eye to eye or even heart to heart. I was ready to be defensive and demanding. Always on guard and emotionally gated. Things happen for a reason. I’m glad I called. I broke down and told her every little heartache, every little I-want-to-hari-kiri (seppuku) moment. I let it all out in a flow of faith. I wasn’t electric with anger. I wasn’t raining rants. Calm became me. Heartache turned to homesick and we talked about her upcoming visit. Logistics aside, I need family around me right now. It’s going to be okay. Better than okay. The source of my angst can’t control me forever. Sooner or later things will happen. They will happen for a reason.