Recapping The Heart

I know myself. If I don’t feel welcome I walk away, drift away, go away. Why force this square peg into the roundness of someone else’s complete circle? I’m walking backwards in this endeavor: wanting more but moving further & farther away. Go figure.

I had wine with mom on Friday night and we talked about the different ways of moving away. Ruth who has that cancer. My cousin has that other cancer. I could choke on my own lack of courage at the very thought. Six months older. Six hundred years wiser. Cabernet untied my tongue and I talked of terrors of my own. A decision I was asked to make, “for the sake of my health” is a decision I have put off, “for the sake of my heart.” I admitted as much. I said I think it’s time to recap the heart. Stop it up and stop the hurt. My mother said it was okay. Really. With that acceptance I came thisclose to telling her more, more, more, but held my tongue. Capped it. Stopped it. The cab wasn’t working that well. I was too aware of my surroundings. Square thoughts for a round hotel. I hadn’t been there since that time in the pool. That time He told me water makes things taste better. Up and up and up to the 6th floor better. Round room better. So, we talked of other people’s cancers. Other people’s problems. It was easy to move away from mine.

I wish I could recap the brain, too. Stop the thoughts. For now, I’ll recap the heart.