I spend a lot of time thinking about myself. I don’t think it’s a vanity thing. I think it’s an identity thing. Truthfully, I think it stems from an identity crisis of sorts. Some time ago I wanted to impress someone to the point of oppressing my personality. He liked pancakes at 2am. I was an 8am egg girl, but I learned to make flapjacks his way, and worse, love them. His likes and dislikes became my own through tons of time pretending. I faked so much I forgot who I really was. Was I a girl who loved golf or one who couldn’t stand the game? Was I sweats and tee-shirt, stand at the fridge chugging milk from the carton, or was I white slacks and silk blouse sipping a mimosa? I was in conflict with who I really was but at the time, true to form, oblivious. Blind. Friends tried to warn me as I lost my name, but I was too busy booking my next tee time. Helpless in a sea of Helpfuls.
I do believe that everyone “gets” something from the people they come into contact with. Especially the long-time, intimate contacts. I’m not talking mono or an STD. I’m talking about personality shaped by connection. Particles of personality clinging to the psyche that is undeniably “you.” I have an affinity for grape soda, hot dog and green olive pizza, Enigma, and apples with cheddar cheese because of someone introducing them to me. I’m sure I would have discovered these things on my own because in the grand scheme of things they were destined to be “favorites” (regardless of how I got to them), but I’m grateful the direction that led me there that much sooner. I practice yoga because one of the most important people in my life showed me the way. I dont’ do it for her but I can honestly say it’s because of her. I carry my father’s way of answering mail. I mimic my mother’s mannerisms when meeting strangers. I’ve adopted things and made them my own. I think I can name a particle I’ve acquired from every boyfriend I’ve ever had, even the golf fanatic…despite the fact I’ve definitely dropped the game.
~*LunaSea*~ 
You never cease to amaze me. I am once again moved and reminded by your words. All too familiar and true. I can only hope I gleen pieces of you. Come to think of it I have. The importance of honesty, trusting my gut and going the extra mile to be a better friend. ((((hugs)))
Thank you. It’s taken me 20 years to figure out what friendship is all about…and I’m still learning. Going the extra mile is a lesson taken to heart. xoxo
Our past shapes us, we take from it the pieces we choose to embrace and disregard the rest. Life is a constant string of sampling – new things, new tastes, new experiences, new sounds, new places, new sensations. In the end we find our own combination of the pieces we like and that makes us unique among all other people. So, embrace your particles!
And don’t you wonder what others have taken away from their experiences with you? Because, there are so many who have been impacted by having you in their life as well.
[…] You used to be awesome. Pure and simply amazing. I held you in the highest regard, thought the world of you; in the words of Natalie, you were all that I could see. I risked the reputation of daddy’s little girl to be your daring damsel. Skirting the edges of town, disappearing always. Too drunk on moonbeams to stay til morning. Never before and never since has there been a more succinct summer. Until this week I would have described you as smart, funny, good-looking, well-read, well-bred, well…everything. I’ve held onto the things you’ve given me; remembered the things you’ve taught me; cherished the person you’ve helped me become. Literature and language, words wrapped in rose petals. While most of those things have faded (or have been sent back to their rightful owner) I have kept small reminders of a larger time. Cat eyes and how it all began – with a note. Griffin & Sabine – more notes by other author no less passionate. Ending with the Darkest Hour. Beginning with Cottlestone Pie. Listening to WJYM. Particle Theory. […]