What I Wanted

 There is a man on the other side of life that I desperately need to talk to. I have a huge sense of failing self right now. I don’t have him anymore so conversation is more than difficult. More than a little needed.

I made Director. True to institution form it all came about strange and backwards. Pass-It-On communications. A coworker stepped into my office to congratulate me before I could even put my bag down. My boss cried right before my wide, baffled eyes. I had a headache. All I wanted to was go home, go back to bed. I crawled here with barely my wits about me. I have videos to watch…from the comfort of the queen. 9am and already it was a bad day despite the Director thing. A dream about being a human punching bag, the drive to work that took twice as long. I arrived in the clothes I had slept in. The 8am class that was more babysitting than I cared to admit. All I cared about was rewinding the day, starting over with a fresh cup of coffee and a different dose of perspective. Not to mention the desire to escape Five Day Puke. Did I mention I had a headache?

But, I made Director, Dad. If you were standing in front of me would you say you are proud? I made Director. This is what I wanted. Don’t you remember? You taught me to love books from day one. Remember when we would pour over the library catalog, circling our choices? You taught me to follow the author, respect the spine, honor the due date. You read Clancy and Turrow. I read Joyce by day…and Jong under covers with a flashlight. You taught me to love to read. Fight for the right to write. Still, I have to remind myself I’m not that librarian. I made Director. To some that means nothing except the chance to make meaningless snide remarks. I can hear you now. You’re saying it only means they don’t understand. I don’t think I even understand. But, it’s what I wanted.