I am sick, sick, sick of the mother question. I’m beginning to hate Mother’s Day just because it somehow gives people license to ask me that mother of all questions, “when are you having a baby?” What’s with the when and why are you asking me? Why on Mother’s Day? If it’s not in the form of a question it’s a statement, “well, when you have kids…” Like it’s a given that experience is definitely going to happen. To Me. I think the parenting question should be right up there with sex, politics and religion. Personally, if I don’t offer the information that should mean I don’t want to talk about it. In simpler terms it’s none of your business.
When faced with the When question I think of all the responses I could give. To say we’re not ready implies something shameful. Like we haven’t grown up enough to hurl ourselves into the act raising a child. Like we haven’t prepared enough and will fail the big parenting exam. We’ve been goofing off in the back row of life.
To say we can’t afford children indicates a poverty level beyond the bank account. We’re bankrupt in love for children and can only think (selfishly) of ourselves. We’re not willing to give up, to sacrifice, the luxuries of travel and concerts and good food for the sake of having a junior to call our own. At least that’s the perception if we say kids are expensive.
To say I’m afraid of the pain only results in smirks and looks of IfIDidItWhyCan’tYou? Can’t even go there with mothers who endured labor for endless hours without meds. It’s not enough to shrug and say, “I’m not you.” Shame on me.
To say we’re afraid of being bad parents implies we didn’t like our own upbringing; that somehow we’re afraid we’ll turn out just like “them” or worse yet, we’ve insulted our elders. The question that inevitably follows is, “what’s wrong with the way you were raised?” Don’t get me started.
There’s only one Shut-Them-Up answer out there. We can’t have kids. Period. I mean, how does one respond to a woman who point blank says “I’m infertile. Thanks for asking…”? The consequence of such a statement is the danger of coming across as damaged goods, a female with faulty wiring. A royal fukc up in another life. “Do not confront me with my failures…I have not forgotten them” ~ Jackson Brown.
Better not mention adoption unless you want your head bitten off.
~*LunaSea*~ 
I hear you! After trying to politely dance around it, I have given up and simply tell the truth of “I/We don’t want kids”. That seems to startle some people. Then after they wrap their heads around it and move on to try convincing me that perhaps I might change my mind … I politely tell them that they are wasting their time and that I have no intention of changing my mind on such a life-altering choice.
Much as they have no intention of being an astronaut, or have no desire to hike Mt. Everest, or have no intention of changing their religious beliefs … I have absolutely no desire to have children – ever. My life is complete just as it is. I realize that my choice differ from the common template of how many women chose to live their lives. But that should be ok. As I accept their choice to be a mother, they also should honor my choice to not be a mother.
i respect women/couples who chose not to be parents. i wish a lot of people who did choose to become parents put more thought into the “why” of having children. i get very annoyed when people who don’t seem to want children somehow have 4. it is a choice and one that shouldn’t be taken lightly.
We were just talking about kids who get in trouble and how the common question is “where were their parents?” As both of you have pointed out, it IS a personal choice, one I wish I didn’t have to defend on a regular, tiresome basis.
When I encounter a person who won’t take my “I don’t want kids” answer as the end of the conversation, I often counter their questions with more questions. I like to ask why they are so interested, what difference does it make to them, and what business is it of theirs what I choose for myself. When I turn the table, they do not expect that and their lack of preparation seems to end the conversation.
Nice tactic! I’ll keep that one in mind. Thanks!
Fight fire with fire, as they say.
I left a good one and it didn’t show up 😦
anyway (((hugs)))
oh! I would love your perspective! leave it again! I wanna know what you said!
people can’t understand why you are not doing the same thing as they are doing (especially when they are doing it just because it’s the norm and they don’t have a real “reason” to be doing it in the first place)
being even the slightest bit different scares people
they are not asking you why, they are asking you so that they can answer their own why
If being different scares people then you and I are realllllly frightening. Going my own way has been a tough, tough battle…but I hear ya. 😉
BTW: s’MEEEEE!