Buyer Be Seated

the-dress.jpgI could have called this “Hell Has A Name Part Two” because this is just a continuation of the disaster I call the Quest for the Dress.
So, I’ve already covered the fiasco that was finding said dress. Yes, this is a picture of me in it. Not a happy camper am I? If I only knew…believe it or not, this is the happiest moment (wearing the dress) I would have that night.

 After humiliating myself for five hours finding the beforementioned dress I thought I was being wise to my “hefty” situation by next buying body hugging undergarments. You know the things that cinch you in, hold your extra baggage sausage-like? I guess I’m just talking to the women out there…But, I found the perfect all-in-one. Bra and skirt together. Lots and lots of lycra. Brilliant! Somehow, I really believed I could benefit from such a contraption. And for an hour all went well.
I can’t tell you when it all when wrong or why. I can’t say I made a wrong move, made a sudden move, or really moved at all. But, the next thing I knew the top to before beloved undergarment had popped off. Literally popped off and slid. Down. Way down. Without warning. All through dinner I discreetly negotiated trying to pull it back up. Leave it to lycra to be so uncooperative. I never got it back to the right place.
Sometime later, the same thing happened with the bottom half. Instead of popping suddenly the bottom portion had, unbeknown to me, worked its way up. Subtly, silently. Now the entire garment was around my waist, and cinching only my waist. Not in a good way, either. If I had a tire before, now definitely I had two.
I spent the entire wedding reception glued to my seat. In a corner. Trapped beside an elbowing, poking mother who insisted I asked someone (anyone) to dance. Riiiight. Luckily, my cousin put it perfectly, “We don’t dance.”

7 Comments on “Buyer Be Seated”

  1. Ruby Tues says:

    And why is that some men can put on a too-tight shirt, with the belly area buttons straining to hold on as their belly spills over the top of their pants. I bet you that no one ever suggest the those men wear excessive amounts of lycra undergarments in order to place all their bulging bits into a much sleeker silouette. Is there a market out there for control top jockey shorts?

  2. gr4c5 says:

    “control top jockey shorts”…those four words alone should teach me never to read your comments while drinking a hot liquid…or any liquid at all! hahahaha

  3. Ruby Tues says:

    After all these years – you sould expect to read something like that 🙂

  4. gr4c5 says:

    I know, I know! Lesson learned…again.

  5. Dawn Moulton says:

    Ok, that was hilarious. Of course, I am putting aside the obvious discomfort and embarrassment, but they way you described it had me rolling. I needed that and the next time I think of containing my sausage, I will just let it hang out.

  6. gr4c5 says:

    I think the lesson to be learned here is that every situation needs to be approached with humility, grace & humor. By posting my misfortune for the world to see I am proving I have no hubris or tact, but tons of ability to laugh at myself! If I can make someone else smile along the way… bonus!

  7. […] this stupid wedding favor I received at the dreaded Hell Has A Name wedding. It’s a blue crystal and silver rose in a clear crystal pot. There is a part of my […]

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