I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to misplace focus, to break a promise. I got on the tread last night, intending to do a quiet 35 minute tune-up session. Everything was wrong. Wrong from the very start. Everything. First of all, you and your Saturday night phone call. I know in my heart of hearts you are right. Three and a half hours of heart to heart and yes, you are right. I know what I need to do, thanks to you. But. But, but I don’t like it. I don’t deserve this. Yeah, yeah, yeah – Harry met Sally and the moral of the story is they couldn’t be friends. I hear ya. I still don’t like it. Last night I went beyond ThatSpace and deleted the phone number. Removing temptation. Cutting things off before they can cut me. I can’t bleed anymore. You are right.
Anyway. So, I thought of you and your words before I ran and they didn’t make me angry. I didn’t find the fire. Instead, they made me sad. I can’t run blue. So, the mood was wrong, the music was wrong, everything was wrong. For the first time ever I skipped Paint It Black and Have Fun Go Mad. I couldn’t find a rhythm I liked. Thanks to a friend I found Fleetwood and tried that. After 25 minutes I admitted defeat and decided nothing would help. I stopped cold. I couldn’t even rock the Aerosmith shirt I bought while shopping with RT. I couldn’t rock anything beyond 2.26 miles.
I’ve never stopped a run before. Not like that – not stopped cold. I’ve had plenty of other I Don’t Feel Like It moments. But, in every other instance of tired I struck a deal with myself and moi – run slower but don’t quit. Lower the incline to nothing, but don’t quit. Don’t you dare quit.
When I got off the tread and paced in front of my husband he was quick to offer kindness. Not your night. You just cooked a huge meal. You are tired. Work is tressing you out. I heard excuse after excuse and headed for the fridge. Chocolate Moo Cow for this quitter.
Maybe another glass of whine…from a box.
~*LunaSea*~ 
I have never seen you write about quitting before. I’m worried for you. Wish there was some way I could help. Stay strong H, I know you are a fighter and you will find a way out of this funk. I’ll run for you if I have to… 🙂
Extra 35 minutes on the tread tonite should be no problem… 🙂
You are right. It IS a funk. A serious one at that. I’ll find a way out of it somehow. Eventually. Thanks for the pep talk – lemme know how that run goes 😉 !
::hugs:: hope you get through this soon. give yourself reasonable goals-if you don’t feel like running a lot, run a little. try to finish what you set out to do-don’t worry about what you should be doing. do what you can and don’t get down on yourself for not doing more. you’re fantastic.
(((HUGS)))
you ran and thats whats important. it sounds cheesy but focus on the positive. a stopped run is better than no run at all!
Manda ~ do you have any idea how awesome you are? Thank you. What you say is simple and I’ll try to follow it. PS~ Happy birthday (what’s left of it).
Sarah~ Thanks sweetie. Sorry about the phone tag. I think you’re it. I will definitely try to accentuate the positive! xoxoxo
Or-fricken-bit!
Just heard the song “only women bleed” again to day while with Mark. I have heard it so many times in the past month. I keep wondering why?
I know many who are in serious funks and life changes right now. You are a strong woman and have made it through many a funk before! Also, exactly what was said…”Do what you can” even if it is a little bit. Also be kind to you. There is only so much one can handle at once.
We hit that line, the flat line and then we just go *poof* sometimes a little *poof* is just what we need.
xoxoxo
the very first thing dmp made me understand and accept about the run is that one day you run 5 and feel as though you could keep going but the next a mere two will be all you can muster. and you can not let that be discouraging. my run and your run are largely about the emotional more so than the physical and there will be emotions that are not condusive. there’s nothing wrong with sometimes just needing a little whine … or wine. or chocolate moo cow for that matter!!
as for the situation that caused things, i think you’re making the right steps. i’m sure it’s frustrating not knowing or having the answers as to “why” but sometimes we just need to be proactive and walk away. or, soon enough, run.
xoxo
Regarding the run: I ran 3 miles on the treadmill in your honor. 🙂 Not a fast run, not a full on sprint by any stretch of the imagination, but a good healthy jog that I kept at a good steady pace for a full 45 minutes! Then I did the bike for another 30 minutes. Thank you for inspiring me!
timeforme~ I had a poof moment just today! I’m going to have to call you to explain this whole mess!
Bec~ I hear you. I think what p!ssed me off was the fact that I’ve never had one of those “I Can’t” moments. Never. Walking away (or going poof) never hurt so much, but again, I hear you.
Glass~ Glad to hear you ran for me. Thanks. A 15mm is definitely a healthy pace. Good for you!