I haven’t known how to write this letter. I haven’t known exactly what to say. It wouldn’t really matter because, knowing me, once it was all said and written I wouldn’t have sent it anyway. Excuse the grammar but it’s true. You wouldn’t have gotten whatever it was that I wanted to say, in more ways than one. Instead, I am tempted to be like a politician and say what you want to hear all the while not really saying anything at all. This is how we get along best, am I right? I don’t tell you what I really feel and you don’t spill anything worth a thing either way. Polite as polite can be except with a bite of caustic. That’s us.
You told a story over a meal and I wanted to throw up. What you didn’t say was so telling. What you meant was so obvious it made my stomach roll. I realize I have always been the stronger one. There was never a need to protect me. I acted like nothing could pierce my armor or hurt my pride. My heart was unbreakable and my soul, unreachable. Cold as an Ice Queen in the heart of January. I accept that image. I am comfortable with the chill of uncaring. But, here I am, waiting. I wait for glass half full comments; signs of compliment. They never come. Condescending, accusing, critical, not a single good thing to say. With each utterance I slide away. Closing myself off from wanting to be anywhere near your mouth. If you don’t have anything nice to say…. I played a game in my head. For every criticism it’s one less month here. When I got to three years I gave up knowing I could never stick to my story and stay away for that long. There are too many other things I would miss. Even you. Eventually. I don’t care that I’m not worth worrying about. I don’t care that I’ve never been a cause for real concern. Blame it on the drugs. Blame it on the maladjustment period (or whatever they call it these days). Blame it on the rain. I don’t care.
So, I didn’t say what I really wanted to say. Mums the word.
But I feel better.
4 thoughts on “Mums the Word”
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I hear you! For me, it is a matter of accepting what I cannot change and being at peace with the way things are. In the long run it is easier than trying to force things to be as I would like them and then being upset when the world won’t bend to my will. Oh I’ve been there and done that … and I still have my moments of trying to bend those particular pieces of my world to fit my will. Battle of the wills – no one comes out a winner. So I work to find peace in what is because it is far easier than dealing with the pain of what cannot be.
I have heard the saying “pick your battles” more times than not. To quote Michael Jackson, “I’m a lover not a fighter.” I am learning to walk away when I am faced with a situation I can’t win much less understand. It means making sacrifices and shutting down, but I have to do what’s right for me. You are so right – no one comes out a winner. Your last line moved me the most: So I work to find peace in what is because it is easier than dealing with the pain of what cannot be.” SO beautiful and heartbreakingly true.
I have to remind myself WHY my certain someone acts as she does. Once I remember the source of the behavior I find that it is far easier to forgive it and be at peace with it. But there are still moments when I just snap back. After all, no one is perfect … thank goodness.