For a Reason

It’s like a mantra. Things happen for a reason. Things happen for a reason. Things happen for a reason. I know this to be true. We didn’t succeed with the first few houses because they were not ours to have. Something bigger and better lay at the end of Ivy. The timing was all wrong in November. February couldn’t be more perfect. Things happen for a reason.

When my friend decided not to walk the twenty miles for Project Bread. I was not surprised, yet disappointed all the same. It took me a day to think things through. Would I walk without? Would I want to? It took me a week to bail myself out. Things happen for a reason. In reality, walking for hunger is a good cause for someone else. I am wedded to the crusade against cancer and domestic abuse. Been there, done that. Keep doing this. I decided to walk away from the Project Bread walk and find my Just Cause. 60 miles in three days. For breast cancer. This I can do. This I don’t mind doing on my own. I walk for Nor. I walk for me. This is the walk I am meant to walk.

When my friend of 35 years had a heart attack I had mixed emotions. A long history of ups and downs, goods and bads clouded my real emotion – fear. You don’t want people your own age to die. It’s not your time so it shouldn’t be theirs. Butbutbut, things happen for a reason. For the past three months I have wallowed in self indulgences. Since Thanksgiving I have been giving into temptations of every persuasion. Fat and lazy, I have become. When someone told me I looked beautiful I knew it was a lie. A sweet lie, but a lie none the less. I’m heavy. My heart failing friend woke selfish me, myself & moi up. Things happen for a reason. As soon as this house thing happens I am running back to healthy. I swear.

When a good, good friend brought up a painful memory it was hard to face it. Hard to take ownership of it and say yes, I really did do that. It’s unimaginable now, but yes, I really, really did that. Blame game. Pointing you out for no reason other than to strike out. Things happen for a reason. I’m glad you brought up the past and that awful time. I’m still struggling with what happened and more importantly, why butbutbut I’m done burying that past. I can dig it up and say I take responsibility for being so awful to you. I take all the blame for the blame game. It wasn’t you. Never was you. Sorry I said it was you. I’m seeing things better now that I’m so removed.

4 Comments on “For a Reason”

  1. sarah says:

    great blog. i understand how you feel about your body…but u are beautiful 🙂

  2. Ruby Tues says:

    Given time, our vision can become almost crystal clear. And given time, all things are forgiven. Things that happen can always be explained easier when you are no longer living the moment. No need for guilt or blame. Simply recognize the moment in time for what it was, acknowlege what was really going on … and let it go. And then feel the sweet freedom of letting go … 🙂

  3. Ruby Tues says:

    Oh … and my A$$ … you … heavy?!? For crying out loud – stop being so damn hard on yourself. We all have preconceived notions of how our bodied *ought* to look. These notions hold us down like chains. Enjoy the bliss of breaking free from those chains as you relaize that all things in life are temporary, including how our bodies are. This, my dear, is normal. So, my little “glass half empty” friend, you can choose to look in the mirror and see the only wrinkles, or see only the laugh lines … I double dog dare you to see only the laugh lines!

  4. gr4c5 says:

    Rubt Tues, I freaking love you. However, you will not buy my new pants so my ever exapanding waist line so complain I do…It’s mighty tough to look sexy in stretch pants! LOL

    Sarah – xoxoxoxo

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