Author: gr4c5

I write. I read. I cook. I run. That's me, in a nutshell.

Climate of Treason

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Climate of TreasonBoyle, Andrew. The Climate of Treason. London: Hutchinson, 1982.

Maybe it was a bad idea to read Treason at the same time as Children of the Souls: A Tragedy of the First World War. I started to get the accounts confused when Treason started mentioning Cambridge and All Souls. Of course there would be overlap. Of course there would be similarities. Both take place during World War I, after all. What I didn’t expect what the recruitment of Cambridge students. But, even that should have made sense to me. Soviets would want intellectuals for their spies. The smart boys.
Treason does have funny moments in between the seriousness of Communism and spying. One such spy was subject to a shake down and described the moment as thus, “all three men made a dive for it, spreadeagling themselves across the table. Confronted by three pairs of buttocks, I scooped the scrap of paper out of my trousers, a crunch and a swallow, and it was gone” (p 155). I could picture the moment and had a good laugh out of it.
Something I hadn’t considered before reading Treason  was the duality of a spy’s life. A “controlled schizophrenia” (p.190). To avoid detection, to be as underground as possible, the outside world must view the traitor’s political thinkings, cultural ideals and patriotic enthusiasm to be on par with their own. The traitor has to exert enough energy to convince both sides he is on their side and their side alone.

BookLust Twist: From Book Lust in the ever-funny chapter “Spies and Spymasters: The Really Real Unreal World of Intelligence” (p 223).

Smirk

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Dear You,

I call today Shakespeare. A tragedy and comedy all rolled up in one. Work was good, for once. Isn’t it funny that the moneymaker is an okay place to be?
I came home to the crib. Or not. I think Papa tried and untried a gazillion times. He finally gave up claiming fatigue. I can’t blame him. He banged your mother on the head with a power drill (she’s fine). We’ll try again tomorrow.
I was accused of trying to burn the house down. See, it’s like this. I wanted to use the smoker again. Turkey burgers done up in hickory and homemade barbecue. Doesn’t that sound good? No standing in front of the fridge eating cottage cheese from the container; pickles from the jar; fingers sticky and cold. I wanted a real meal complete with baked beans and cheddar cheese. The smoker, well, it smokes. Your dad wanted to know why the smoke detector didn’t go off…oops…busted. He shook a finger at me and I swear I heard a tsk, tsk in there.
Indy is still crying. She claims you left her for Maggie. I told her I didn’t think she was your type but still she carries on.
Me, even though it’s only 9pm I’m going to bed. I’ve discovered diagonal isn’t that bad. I don’t ditch the sheet either.
Tell Johnny I think his queso story is bunk and that Chipotle still rules the planet. Hang onto that cell phone and call soon.
love, me

What the Diamond Said

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I found a diamond earring I thought was past missing and had moved onto completely and utterly gone.
Later she mentioned her own mortality in a casual tone, “I think I have 10-15 years left.” Standing on the other side of young and talking old. Unnatural to consider at her age. I didn’t consider and was unnecessarily cruel. I agreed with her. Yup. 10-15 years. The conversation we must have – I was not having any of it. The conversation I dreaded was on my doorstep but I was in denial. Can’t we talk about this later? If not now, then when? Is there an easy way to discuss this?  

I found a diamond earring completely gone. It glittered on the carpet, winking at me to notice.
Save me before I’m sucked up. Save me so you can see me again. Place me in a box named Cherished and don’t hand me down or hand anywhere. Place me in your ear and learn to sleep on your other side. For good. Forever. For I am the gift of your mother. I am the symbol of pride as she fussed and fidgeted with your hood seconds before marching. I am unrelenting love. Unspoken mother’s love.

10-15. She said 10-15. They say diamonds are forever. Not so when lost in the carpet underfoot. Pride from a parent is permanent. Love is everlasting. Wear it well.

Rocking

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Dear You,
It’s only 9 something pm but I think my head will find the pillow soon. Things are fine. I gorged on tons of TV until my hand fell asleep from changing channels. I think I like this rule the remote thing. Your mother-in-law called – wanted to talk about the house. I suppose it needs to happen sometime, right? Your daughter is bitchy. Says I’m not fooling anyone as she sniffs around for the body. I swear I didn’t kill you but she just won’t believe me. Call soon so I can put her on the phone. I’ve been in communication with your parents. We slide notes back and forth under the door. Rent is due, crib is ready when you are. Okay, I made that first part up but I’ll write a check anyway.
By the way, the rice cooker isn’t broken. I’m just an idiot. And. The chocolate raspberry sauce works on graham crackers.
Speaking of food – how was that burrito? You better bring me back one – make that two. One for both hands. I can handle it. Tell the boys I said hi.
love, me
ps~ No hot air balloon ride. Sorry.

With Indifference

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I think I’m overtired because this is how I feel. Sideways. Leaning back in my not there chair, almost on the way down. I’ve been this way all morning. Maybe it’s the daytime hue. The gray outside my window flattens and dulls every other color. Brick isn’t a shade of red but rather an ugly brown. Trees look more dead black than living green. They are neutral colors to the point of washed out blah. My senses are flat-lined and bored. 1pm looks just the same as 8am did. The path of the sun has been invisible, sulky and sullen just like me, myself & moi. I wish it would rain. I’m the type of person who wants a reason for the weather. The cold without snow, clouds without rain – they seem pointless. I need purpose. It’s hard to be motivated in the face of such indifference.

I will go home and put on the nanooks. I’ll close the blinds against the colorless sky. Maybe make some tea. Try my hand at rice. Again. Eat it right out of the bowl with parmesan and butter, salt and pepper. I won’t think about the streaks on the window I can’t seem to rub out and watch tv instead. I’ll rule the remote until I realize I’m lonely and it’s not fun anymore. Inevitably, I’ll end up talking to the cat. Together, we’ll count down the days until kisa comes home.

Lip balm Laughter

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lipbalmThis weekend has turned out to be one of the most unexpected best. I have to give public thanks to my amazing friend Ruby. She rescued me Friday evening and helped me forget about my current hypertension life. She asked about old dramas that have eased into that We-Can-Laugh-About-It-Now phase. I relived foofaraw and FEFFFF and giggled over the stupidity of it all. Men in bear suits, Jesus on a telephone pole, jars of mayonnaise, Easter forgotten, swinging walkers and can you rearrange your whole studio to meet MY needs? Probably my favorite moment was visiting an old haunt, tripping down a memory lane of scents, trying to avoid the overpushy saleslady, and being chided for not buying lip balm. Kisa and Ruby know me that well. They’ll say I Told You So but I can’t stop thinking about what I didn’t get so I’m going back for a tube or two!

Kisa & I spent Saturday night wandering Northampton – we zipped into Different Drummer for a cookbook stand and a flexi cutting board (kisa is so smart), eating yummy pizza (it’s a tradition now!) and listening to Rebecca Correia and Kyle Spark at Bishops. They are so good together! I almost remembered the entire setlist:Rebecca Correia

  • Greatest Mistake? – a new song I haven’t heard before
  • Miss You – easily one of my favorites
  • Better Day – I always want to call this one ‘Rain’
  • Quiet Hands – I shed a small tear for “our” first dance song. I love it!
  • On Your Way Down – I thought Rebecca would tell the story but she didn’t
  • For the Taking – my favorite Kyle and Rebecca duo song. They sound great together!
  • Walking Back – definitely one she needs to perform more
  • Sarah’s Song – I love the line about the Chinese buffet
  • Gin – this one always gets people. Kyle’s solo is kickazz!
  • ? – I don’t remember this one. Something new? Something unfamiliar?
  • No apologies – another one I need to hear more often

My glass of Merlot lasted all night. It went well with the amazing music. Rebecca talked about the Miss You cd release party she’s having in Florida (at Virgin). After six years we are all anxious for the new music we have heard so much about. She joked that if we didn’t come to Florida we would have to buy Miss You on the Internet. Very funny.
After the show we talked about a hometown cd release party. I’ll see what I can do about rallying the troops when the time comes. Time to party!

Mine All Mine

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I need to claim April as my month. The once cruelest month needs to be my saving grace. I am mourning the loss of so many things. Physical, mental, spiritual, individual. All gone for better or worse.

Yet, I have so many things to look forward to in April. My family, for one. I haven’t hosted their laughter in so long, and in some cases, never. We’ve had the carpets professionally cleaned, the couches dumped and the vents sucked out. We’ve only just begun. I’ve cleaned out of necessity. I want to cook out of love.
4/4 is my chance to speak my mind. A chance to be heard. Will it stand up to the powers that be? Will it matter in the grand scheme of things? The answer will dictate Should I Stay. The answer will determine the direction of my sails.
4/27 seems so far away. Lights, camera, action seemed like a dream but with every passing day reality is creeping in. I firmly believe in helping out those I truly love and this is no exception. Kisa is the driving force behind this venture and I couldn’t be more blessed.
April also brings a reunion of sorts. I almost want to hold my breath for fear of it not happening. We have promised togetherness for years but every assurance sounds more hollow than the last. I want to see him yet I’m afraid of what won’t be.
Now and Zen Yoga has moved to the new location and I’m anxious to start over in the world of yoga. With a couch propped in the back room I haven’t had room to move the way I want to. April is the month to get back into the studio.
Knitting classes also start in April. Will I be a dolt with sharp objects? I think if I handled a chef’s knife okay I can handle a knitting needle. Make that two.

April is my month.

Couch Killer

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We killed this couch last weekend. We will kill another one this weekend. What makes us so vicious with the furniture? New beginnings, maybe? Sad endings, perhaps? Indy doesn’t have anything to perch on anymore. I hope it’s not a sad beginning.

I’m contemplating not going to see sirsy tomorrow night. I don’t get the email newsletter anymore, gifts are untaken (my own word, so sue me) and sweet songs are still so sad. It’s like there is an uncaring for the awkward. It’s all unwanted. Maybe I’m not. In truth, I have missed a friend and would rather have dinner with her than try to navigate a menu of fried fat. I don’t want to be fake. I thought about making another attempt at an invite, but I know I will be ignored. Head in the sand I don’t want to deal and can’t bear to feel. Letting Go of you.

We killed couches for the sake of moving on. The new model folds out to recline and sleep. In that order. Recline and sleep. I like the new model for it’s wide arms and hidden spaces. Life goes on.

A is for Alibi

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Grafton, Sue. A is for Alibi. New York: Henry Holt & Co., Inc. 1982.

My mother-in-law was surprised to see me reading a Sue Grafton mystery. Mysteries have never been my thing. I don’t think she was convinced even when I explained that it was a Book Lust recommendation. I kept saying things like “I have to…” and “it’s on my list…” and still I got the skeptical stare. I’ve decided to loan her my “lists” in other words, my Lust books because I also have to read the F & Q books from Grafton.

I was struck by how much I have in common with Kinsey Millhone, Grafton’s main character. She dedicates Sundays to herself. I used to dedicate Friday with the same to do list: “laundry, housecleaning, grocery shopping. I even shaved my legs to show that I still had some class.” (p82) Kinsey runs even though she’s not good at it. She has conversations with her body when she runs. Me, too – although I could call mine arguments and not conversations. She’s big on breakfast. She drives fast. She even feels the same way I do about dogs if not plants. “I don’t know a lot about houseplants, but when all the green things turn brown, I’d take that as a hint.” (p. 33) Me, I’m a plant person. I may kill one or two along the way but if one dies I consider it suicide, taking one for the team.

Seriously, similarities aside I liked Sue Grafton’s first “alphabet” mystery. Kinsey is cool, as she should be. The mystery she was trying to solve had all the important gun on the table elements: murders, clues, infidelities, suspicions, low lifes, and more sex. My only disappointment? I had the culprit picked out before the end. Why? He was too good to be true.

BookLust Twist: Pearl has a huge mystery list in Book Lust. A is for Alibi comes from the chapter called, I Love a Mystery” (p 117).

Jumping Off

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I think about suicide from time to time. When I said this to my boss he looked me in the eye and solomnly said “we all do.” He didn’t try to patronize me and talk me out of something considered. He knew what I meant. I have respect for people like that.

Right now I am considering suicide of a different nature. I think by even writing this I risk decapitation of some sort. I want to jump off this career track and lay myself down in the way of the oncoming train of change.
What do you do when you find out your organization isn’t supported, barely acknowledged? What do you do when your values are scoffed at, swept under the rug? The writing is on the wall. The truth is in black and white for everyone to read and I don’t know what to do. Really don’t.

My contract is up in June. I promised kisa I would open the newspaper to the section I haven’t looked at in over six years. I promised him I would update the resume and who cares that the ink has even’t dried on the word “director”?

There is a part of me that wants to fight. Fight like hell. We have a good group. If we work together couldn’t we beat Goliath at his own game? Why shouldn’t we try? Or what about this – why can’t I play the Darwin game and try to survive on my own? Band with the enemy and take ’em all out? I’ve only been playing this game for three years. Before that I was a bit player, a volunteer. Who’s to say I can’t switch teams and go public? So many questions. No answers.

For now, all I want to do is jump. Suicide.

From Start to Finish

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From start to finish it was an all Good Night. Good food. Good company. Good music. Good drinks. Good plans. Good night. Where should I start? Kisa and I arrived at the factory not knowing what to expect. How do I explain this? I was more than excited to hear my favorite heartbeat, see my favorite couple, have a night out with my one and only favorite man. We interrupted sound check inadvertently. We had time to sit for dinner. The first thing I spotted when we were seated was a giant SpeakEasyExtravaganza poster. Huge. I entertained thoughts of stealing it. Fantasized about where it would go on my wall. I would have sacrificed Natalie for Soul Session for sure.
The music. Where do I even start about the music? Sean Rowe is amazing. I absolutely adore his voice. I was mesmerized by how much sound he and his guitar could put out. They were locked in harmony. I wanted him to sing all night long…well, if Greg could join him! My only disappointment? Wondering if I missed ‘Snake in the Grass’. All night I thought about it. (We came up late.) We ended up buying a cd so I would eventually hear my favorite SR song…twice. I didn’t know I would enjoy Sean as much as I did (even though Brian said I would)…so now I’m going to watch Sean’s tour schedule to try to see him more often. At least more often than once. I wonder if he’ll ever get out my way?

Then came Soul Session. It was a SS I have never seen or heard before. Back up singers…two keyboards…sax and flute…all new faces. All new sound. I didn’t hear my favorite cover, ‘Is You Is’ and I missed Greg’s first mini solo, but I had a great time just the same. It was a real party atmosphere (“bringing classy back”) – people dressed up, food, fancy drinks, candy, free stuff (kisa and I both got shirts and shot glasses) glitter dance floor, strobe lights and not a place to sit – every table packed. I decided my favorite moments were 1) not one but three men banging drums with Sean singing, 2) Night and Day (done right) and 3) being with the coolest people ever. I wish I had a setlist. I had moments during every song that sparked me one way or another. From pants-splitting special guests to Sade there was something to remember. I could have stayed all night.

Even better? Talking about filming. Drum beats. Foot prints. Cymbal smashing. I want it all. It was a good night. From start to finish.

Dangerous to D’bone

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knivesIt was Christmas again yesterday (in more ways than one, but I’ll get to that some other time). In December Kisa bought me a knife. I guess, according to someone in the culinary world, it is bad luck to buy someone a knife. To offset the “badness” you must give money as well. Are you thinking scam? Because it sounds like a scam to me…but nevertheless Kisa presented me not only with an eight inch Santoku (pictured here) he also gave me a gift certificate which I used for a knife skills class.
Class was yesterday. For me, the biggest rattler of life is thinking you know something and then finding out you’ve been wrong all along. A loser in the knowledge department. Playing the fool in the grand scheme of things. Such was my case before getting to class. I have been slicing, dicing, mincing, milling, you name it, for years. Someone had tried to show me the “right” way to dice. What if I really had been doing it all wrong, wrong, wrong all this time? A worse thought? I’d have to touch a chicken bone-in. I even joked with kisa the night before, “watch. They’re gonna make me debone a chicken.” I was practically trembling when I got to class. And I was right. And wrong.

I was right about the chicken.chicken Wrong about my abilities. Here’s the bottom line on holding a sharp instrument – it’s a sharp instrument. Hold it any damn way you please to get the job done…with care. There are four professional ways to hold food while “knifing” it. But, variations are acceptable. Completely acceptable. Yay. Class was easier than easy because everything the instructor taught us was something I either knew how to do really well (citrus supremes) or had attempted a few times (Asian garnishes) and everything in between. I’ve never worked in a restaurant but somehow I’ve held my own when holding a knife.

Then came the chicken. Unchartered waters for sure. I have never ever so much as touched a raw chicken that still has it’s skeletal structure. Panic set in. Surely this is where I would slice a thumb off, throw up, or worse – faint. Meat on the bone creates vegetarian thoughts in me. Seriously. Bones make it easier to see the creature it really is. Or Was. Whatever.
The instructor set to instructing. Her “first you do this, then this, then this, then this, then this…” play by play made my head spin. How would I remember to do that in that order? I think my eyes glazed over at that point. When we finally put boning knife to bony chicken I thought “surgery” and went to work. By the end I had a perfectly butterflied, boneless, not-resembling-an-animal-anymore piece of meat. The instructor came by and uttered “perfect” before moving on. Who knew anyone would say “perfect” in my presence? Perfectly unprepared for that.

I learned. I learned how to hone a knife (I mastered 20 degrees on my first try). I learned what dulls a knife (fat, picking up food). But, most importantly, I learned not to take my own knowledge for granted. I sell myself and my abilities short and this was just one more reason why I shouldn’t.

SoulSessionSeanRoweComingSoon…..