People are asking me how my holiday was and I’ve been answering “spiritual.” WTF? Where is that coming from? Usually my peace comes from a good yoga session, an exhausting run, a rhythm with the ocean, sleeping in, waking slow. I’m grounded by a good book, a better friend, cooking a decent meal, laughing loud and long. I didn’t have much of any of that while I was home. No yoga, no run. Each morning I woke at 5:30am… usually from jarring dreams that rattled me awake. The equivalent of being rudely tossed out of slumber. While I read the books didn’t give me safe passage. So, what gives? Why the word “spiritual” to describe what a week ago I couldn’t even put words to?
I think I know. I think I get it. Discovery is knowledge. Knowledge lends itself to understanding. Understanding is the foundation for acceptance. There is peace in acceptance. Bingo. I learned a little more about myself through my mother’s history and that has brought me home. Spiritually. I get it now. This revelation brought me hope.
My mother said, “I block those times out” and that’s when hope arrived. I was this close to replying “I know what you mean.” I was this close to yanking open the closet door and letting the skeletons tumble out. It seemed like an invitation to confide. My hand was on the door, turning the knob. I could have done it…but I thought too much. How would she feel that she is the very last to know? Would she be offended, would she be hurt? How would I explain my distrust of her reaction 30 years too late? Time doesn’t heal all wounds. And wound her I would. Hers would be fresh and raw while all mine have scarred over and hardened into indifference. So instead, I let go, looked in my lap and said, “I can see why…” With that, the moment slipped away. Wine in hand she walked away. The closet door stayed closed.
~*LunaSea*~ 
we all have those times we block out. i admire your decision.
beautiful quote in the picture!
I still don’t know if I did the right thing. I go back and forth on this a lot. I think fear keeps me frozen, if that makes sense.
While I didn’t get the whole quote in the frame, I find this pic beautiful with the flaws. It’s my grandmother’s grave.
Sometimes kindness is the greates gift you can give, even if the recipient is unaware of your act of kindness. Rather than go to a hurtful place by saying what you felt would birng you closer … you chose to give your mother her own peace by saying the thign that might least hurt her. A hard choice, and probably one you’ll question from time to time. But your choice came from a pclae of love, careing and kindness. Do not ever doubt that.
PS … my typing is AWFUL
Very true – I see what you and S are saying and it makes sense. Thank you!
Having been in the same place, (seems like I say this to you a lot) ..I could have written this. You did good H girl..ya did good. (((hugs)))
This was beautifully written and I understand your desire as well as your intent. Both are mixed and hard to own. Your use of the word Spiritual could be because of a huge spiritual leap your soul just took!