Have This Time


I am trying really hard to not always write about the negative. It comes out so dramatic and unfailingly stupid. Except, it’s really hard to write about anything else when the sole purpose of the write is the rant. The negative is what got me here in the first place. Back in the day I would crawl around the rooms in my mind and pick out the crap that bugged me the lost. Writing was like opening a window and chucking the worst offenders out. While most of the stuff found a way to crawl back in, some of it was banished forever. If only one out of twenty crapoids disappears for good then mission accomplished I say.
Here’s the reality of my existence: I am dramatic. I am sensitive to the world around me and hypersensitive to how it treats me. When my mother tells me I’m not ready to handle a house (and maybe should get a condo instead) it hurts my feelings. How much of a failure after 40 can I feel? A lot. When people joke that my near-two nephew “didn’t kill me” I get nasty. It’s almost like these people still see me as 16 or something. I tend to shut down and shut out. Okay, so I won’t share the house-hunting antics with those who naysay. So, I won’t mention how my nephew made my heart fall out when he balanced himself on the edge of a 15 foot drop.
So. Those are my negative notions – the things I need to toss out of the attic. Will they find an open window in the basement? How soon will they crawl back into my head? I don’t know. Guess it’s up to me to secure the house. For now, I have. This time.

5 Comments on “Have This Time”

  1. becelisa says:

    screw that!!! let it out. be dramatic. you’ve stated time and time again that ultimately you write for you. no one else. you don’t mask the ugly and you refuse to tiptoe around the sensative. and personally i respect and enjoy that far more than if i were to find you had written “peaches-and-cream” lies about how wonderful life is. be true to your words and the need you have for them. xoxo

  2. timeforme says:

    Hmmmm, did I write this or did you? I am my worst enemy and especially when everyone wants me to be how they want me to be… hard to be positive when too much negative is coming at you. You be you, and do what you have to do, think what you need to think and rejoice in the fact that you are sensitive! I know, it is exhausting… but you are who you are.
    It is up to some of us to secure the house. I just think I may have some faulty wiring or a crack in the foundation. Because things just crawl back in ๐Ÿ˜ฆ
    YOU do what you need to do, I admire how freely you rant. It doesn’t sound stupid or what have you, it is how you feel. I wish I could be more like that! I worry too much about what others will think.

  3. Ruby Tues says:

    OK, OK, OK …. now, we all know that no one ever got anywhere in this world by pussyfotting about and being polite. Others vocalize their ill conceived perceptions of you as their attempt to stuff you into a pigeonhole so you fit neatly into their world. From what I know of you – there ain’t no pigeonhole that will ever confine you! You’re just not so boring as they’d like to have you think.

    Go on girl – burst out with anger, bring on the confusion and spit out the bile if you need to. Hey, it’s your blog … write from the heart!

    Or as Bryan Adams one sang … “give it to me straight from the heart!” (sorry, I could not stop the obvious 80s song reference that is most likley in poor taste)

  4. gr4c5 says:

    It should be easy to say you guys are right, because you are (really!), but sometimes I look at all my bitching and wonder what it’s really doing. Does that make sense? You all know I am the first to see the negative, the glass cracked (forget half empty!). What if all my ranting is wrong because I’m not right?

    ps~ some personal comments: lovelovelove the “mask the ugly” comment. I’m having one of those, “oooh I wish I had written that” moments.

    Time~ I too worry about what others think. Like, what will my mom think when she reads this? But, there are times when anger is like a cesspool. The more it hangs around, the more it stinks! I think I found the drain plug by writing this.

    Ruby! I love that you remember all the awesome 80’s songs. You made me recall the cheesy video that went with that equally cheesy song!

  5. sarah says:

    late to write but….

    i definitely understand the feeling of “exactly when will my family take me seriously”. granted i have more family opinions than most, but i try to appreciate what i’ve done and get support and encouragement from you ๐Ÿ˜› (or other people i know will give me a boost)

    rant away because we’ve all been there and we’re here for a boost whenever you need it ๐Ÿ™‚

    and yeah! for being sensitive. i think its a good thing

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