Sweet Sorrow

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Over 15 years ago I was roaming the streets of New York City, oblivious to the fact that at home a life was slowing slipping away. Unable to communicate the seconds of precious life ticked by while I took in Cats and the Russian Tea Room. I got there in time but I never forgave myself for not getting there sooner. I just never thought it would happen again. Dancing around New York City while death danced too close at home. Too much to understand.
You will never know how guilty I feel for not being there. I should have held your hand. I should have seen you through the pain. I know you will tell me it was bad timing, that it just happened that way, but when you choked back the words I knew I should have been there. You tried to tell me you were okay. Even if you were, I wasn’t. Forgive me for taking a little time to get over the irony – for the exact moment I closed my eyes in exhausted slumber, he closed his eyes for good. Forgive me for feeling far away and failed.
I’m here now.

Just a Song

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Sometime ago I said that life was too busy for supporting & following & being obsessed by music. I think what I meant was these days I am being far more selective about the music I hear and how far I’ll go to stand before it. Recently, I went on a Natalie binge. Call me crazy, but four years is too long to go without hearing that voice live. Unlike myself I wanted a night upclose and a night far away. Unlike myself I made no attempt to remember the setlist. Unlike myself I made no attempt to get the perfect picture & in fact, refuse to post the ones that actually came out decent. I’ll leave that for some other adoring fan to do. Here is a list of the songs I heard. They are not all from the same night, nor are they in the “correct” order. The time listening to Natalie was too precious to worry about perfection.

  • Carnival~ this is the only one I will fess up to putting in the correct order. Every single time she came out on stage this was the song she performed first. It makes sense. This is her ode to New York; a nod to the city she adores. I have to say I was spellbound when she first appeared. It really had been too long. “Wide eyed misfit prophet, on a traffic island, stopped. And he raged of saving me.”
  • Build a Levee ~ This is a personal fave of mine. “You’ll fall under an evil spell just looking at his beautiful face.”
  • I’m not Gonna Beg ~ Where’s the boa? “I know ‘once upon a time’ and ‘ever after’ is a lie.”
  • At the Fair ~ Introduced as Robert Frost this is a Bonnie Raitt cover…” I swear another night is fallin'”
  • Sonnet #73~ Natalie was asked by the Royal Shakespeare Company to collaborate with Gavin Bryans for his Nothing Like the Sun project & put a sonnet to music. She chose #73 and said a few words about the Black Death and how many people died…typical Nat. “When yellow leaves, or none, or few do hang.”
  • The Equestrienne ~ A story about a circus by Rachel Field. Natalie created a song out of part of the story involving a white horse. “See the girl in pink on a milk white horse.”
  • Janitor’s Boy ~ A song written by Nathalia Crane when she was 10 years old. Natalie put it to music & sang it in a 1920’s vaudville sort of way, very fun and flirty. “He’ll carry me off I know that he will, for his hair is exceedingly red: and the only thing that occurs to me is to dutifully shivers in bed.”
  • If No One Marries Me by Laurence Alma-Tadema~ “And when I’m getting really old, at twenty-eight or nine I’ll buy a little orphan girl and bring her up as mine.”
  • The Man in the Wilderness from Mother Goose~ a strange little poem about a man in the wilderness and asking about strawberries in the sea…
  • Texas ~ a new song of Natalie’s that seemed a warning about having it all. “I don;t mind if I have to kill a little honey bee.”
  • Life is Sweet ~ I have to admit I cried during this song. I think Natalie avoided singing it one night just because someone requested it. The jury is still out on that one…”It’s high time you make up your own sweet little mind.”
  • Wonder ~ the anthem is still strong. The best part was Natalie’s special guest, “How I confound you and astound you.”
  • Golden Boy ~ and to think we have so many more Golden Boys to talk about since Columbine. “Meteor rise from obscurity and all it took was a killing spree.”
  • Go Down Moses ~ this is probably my favorite song. It’s haunting and hurting as only a song about Katrina moving through New Orleans could be. “But it so hard without you…cold shocked and speechless can anyone reach us?”
  • Giving Up ~ another new Natalie song…
  • The End ~ If anyone remembers Natalie’s 2004 tour they will remember the peace banner Natalie held up during Gulf of Araby. It was back for The End. “When we give up the barrel and the blade…”
  • Tell Yourself ~ Natalie tested us with this one. She said “I wrote this for my 13 year old niece…any guesses?” “You’ll never be like the anorexic beauties in the magazines.”
  • Village Green Preservation Society~ Who would have thought The Kinks would show up in a Natalie show.? Erik & Gabe helped Nat make this hysterical.
  • Break Your Heart ~ while I miss the horn section on this song the cello was a good replacement. “See the push and shove for their rewards”
  • From the Time You Say Goodbye~ what a lovely surprise. I never thought I would get to hear this love. “Keep a prayer within your heart that the time will surely fly”
  • Tension ~ although this was just a snippet it was awesome to hear Natalie’s very first song. “A thought mistaken for a memory”
  • Kind & Generous~ The time to give Natalie gifts… “My love and respect for you”
  • Letter ~ I know I have never heard this live before. “but the truth it would reveal knowing you brought me pleasure…”
  • Motherland ~“Where in hell can you go?”

I will never be able to really write about this experience. It was a pleasure. Special thanks to Germany, Scotland and to the great city of New York.

Don’t Ask Me

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Have you ever had an experience so profound you can’t really open your mouth to share it with anyone else? You want to selfishly hoard the time as your own and talk around the moment that really moved you, speaking of smaller, less important parts of time. All the while there is this avoidance, this slight tremor of anxiety that someone else experienced your moment and will want to share it back to you, to vocalize it, trivialize it, and in the end, ultimately destroy it? With the damage done and the moment passed there is nothing left to do but turn the whole thing away.
I have yet to really talk about 363 W 16th Street and the things I saw and heard there. I’m holding them close, holding them sacred, as to not lose the importance of the profound experience. Don’t ask me. Yet.

Sky Reaching

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Sometimes, sometimes all it takes is a different perspective to right a wrong, heal a hurt, or just plain move on from something. I spent a lot of time looking up this weekend, both literally and figuratively. I found the cure for complacency is insecurity. I found that the push and pull of heart strings can be both painful and pleasing. I cried a little this weekend, but definitely laughed more. Friends who were a little too big for me are starting to fit better, closer. Perspectives do change when you get closer and I like what I see.
I went into a sea of nobody I knew and somehow felt better about the face in the mirror when I got home. I still don’t understand black sunglasses in the dark, wearing the sound of disgust on your feet, or gypsy cabbies. What I do know is that I was glad to share that world, for a little while. A little while is all I needed. We came confused about Chipotle and left with wrong trains and missing Starbucks. The city didn’t change us, yet somehow, in some way, I’m different. Looking up has a different look to it.
So, to you and you. I will see you later. And we’ll look up some more.

Funnies (with spoiler)

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funniesLennon, J. Robert. The Funnies. New York: Riverhead, 1999.

Tim Mix’s father wrote a comic strip based on his family. Growing up, this comic strip was a source of embarrassment to Tim. Yet, when his father passes away and Tim’s only inheritance is the very comic strip he hated, he decides to try his hand at taking over the strip. Tim is a sarcastic, barely ambitious man who is terrible at conversation, worse at relationships both personal and with his family. This is a formula that always works – the unlikable, unlikely hero goes through a metamorphosis and comes out a pretty decent guy. In the end he doesn’t succeed with the funnies, but he gets the girl.

“This time the pause was longer, a nice slack length of rose to hang the conversation with” (p 52).
“I pushed gently at the sore spot in me and it hurt enough for me to turn away as I talked” (p 132).”
“Susan offered me a bite of her corn dog. I refused, still queasy from the Centrifuge of Death, but didn’t tell her this, and I feared that this rebuff without explanation would give offense. Then I came to my senses and simply let it go. It was a wonderful feeling, like dropping off a box at the Goodwill” (p 155).
And my favorite quote, “I let happiness run its course through me, knowing that it wouldn’t last, but also knowing it would always be there somewhere waiting for me, if I made the effort to find it. This understanding seemed an almost criminally excessive piece of good fortune, but for the time being I accepted it without question” (p 274). For some reason this reminded me of me.

BookLust Twist: From Book Lust twice. Once in the chapter called “Brothers and Sisters” (p 46), and “Families in Trouble” (p83).

Thousand Acres

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Smiley, Jane. A Thousand Acres. New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1991.

I’ll admit it. It took me forever to even want to read this book even though it has been sitting on my book shelf for months, right within easy reach. I tried picking up Moo a few times and something made me keep putting it down. I have no clue why. I assumed A Thousand Acres would be the same difficult to pick up experience. I was wrong. Once I got into it, Thousand Acres was fascinating, troubling and oh so true to family life. I’ve never lived on a farm. I’ve never set foot in Iowa, but thanks to Smiley I knew exactly what both would be like.
One thing I didn’t understand, nor will I ever, is how a family can so completely and utterly fall apart. By the end of the book not one family is intact and it’s all because of a thousand acres.

“You shouldn’t think somethings changed just because you haven’t seen it in thirteen years” (p 11).
“It was exhausting just to hold ourselves at the table… You felt a palpable sense of relief when you gave up and let yourself fall away from the table and wound up in the kitchen getting something, or in the bathroom running the water and splashing it on your face” (p 101).

BookLust Twist: From More Book Lust and the chapter called “Big Ten Country: The Literary Midwest (Iowa)” (p 27) and Book Lust in the chapter “Growing Writers” (p 107). Personally, I think Pearl also could have put this in her “Families in Trouble” chapter. Not to give anything away but…who tries to poison her own sister? Who does that?

Beyond the Black Stump

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Shute, Nevil. Beyond the Black Stump. New York: William Morrow, 1956.

Nancy Pearl likes Nevil Shute. There is a whole chapter on him in More Book Lust. This being my first “Shute book” I was enchanted. Beyond the Black Stump is about an American geologist, Stanton Laird, who is assigned to dig for oil in Australia. Stanton is a stand-up guy with a secret in his past, but when he meets and falls in love with Mollie Regan in the Australian outback, he realizes can’t compete with her past. This is the story of two people too different to make it work. It goes beyond race or religion. Prejudices and historical resentments run deep for both families. Despite the plot being predictable I enjoyed getting to the conclusion no matter how obvious it would be.

“It’s the greed for the gold, the curse of the modern age. Avarice kills more men than any physical disease, I am afraid. These men will not make old bones” (p 136).

BookLust Twist: From More Book Lust and the chapter “Nevil Shute: Too Good To Miss” (p 199).

Cookbook Trouble

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For Christmas I got this book…or cookbook…or whatever. It’s both and actually perfect for me. Cooking and books. Books and cooking. That combination is just as perfect as running and yoga, knitting and meditation, pickles and peanut butter. Never mind. So, where’s the trouble you might ask? Here’s the deal: I’ve decided to read every book mentioned in The Book Lover’s Cookbook in addition to Book Lust and More Book Lust. Am I crazy? Quite possibly. Luckily, quite a few of them are on my list already thanks to Pearl’s list(s). I’ve also decided to try to cook every recipe in the book as well. I think I’ve lost it.

A morning this week, despite wanting craving heuvos rancheros I actually made “Behold! Ichabod’s Slapjacks” (Wenger, Shaundra Kennedy and Janet Kay Jenson. The Book Lover’s Cookbook. New York: Ballantine, 2003.) while reading the excerpt from Washington Irving’s Legend of Sleepy Hollow. The “slapjacks” came out sweet and cake-like thanks to sifting and sugar. I instantly regretted pouring maple syrup on them. They would have been perfect with just a light dusting of powdered sugar, a small smear of jelly, or even nothing at all. In fact, their sweetness and lightness would have made a great pairing with something salty and crunchy like turkey bacon or thinly sliced grilled ham. I’m even thinking these slapjacks could be sandwich material… I made a note in the margin, reminding myself to try that next time. A twist on a monte cristo maybe?

Always Outnumbered

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Mosley, Walter. Always Outnumbered, Always Outgunned. New York: W.W. Norton, 1998.

Always Outnumbered, Always Outgunned is like looking at snapshots of one man’s existence. Each chapter is a different time in Socrates Fortlow’s life, a different picture. His past, his friends, and his skewed sense of morality are the common threads in each scene. Socrates is a man, free after 28 years in prison, trying to make his way in Los Angeles, California. The violent streak that landed him in the penitentiary is still prominent in his personality. He is an angel and a devil all in one. A saint with a dark side. A demon with a halo. My favorite example of this split personality is when a friend’s wife comes looking for her husband at Socrates’s door. While telling Corrine she should leave her no-good husband (and be with Socrates) that same no-good husband is hiding out in Socrates’s back room.

Some of my favorite quotes describing Socrates:
“Back then he enjoyed the company of fear” (p 19).
“He wasn’t a thief. Or, if he was, the only thing he ever took was life” (p 64).

BookLust Twist: from More Book Lust and the chapter “Walter Mosley: Too Good To miss” (p 169). Happy Birthday Mr. Mosley!

Stew Luxury

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Not many people like change. Very few people actually want to live outside of their comfort zone…at least not on a regular basis. Tonight’s dinner was all about reaching beyond the comfortable; moving beyond the typical. I don’t know what made me do it, but I wanted to make stew for dinner. I don’t make many soups or stews of any kind and I’m not exactly best friends with red meat. Like I said – way out of my comfort zone with this recipe. In addition, I did not want to make just any stew, but chunky, healthy, yummy beef stew since I haven’t been feeling well. No pressure! Thanks to the food network I made something I could dress up or down (read- make expensive or cheaper). Here is the luxury version and in parenthesis, the cheaper version. I went for a combination of the two. Kisa had seconds despite the fact he is a self-proclaimed squash hater.
Stew for You

  • olive oil
  • fresh, fragrant rosemary (dried)
  • flour
  • Spanish onion
  • fresh thyme (dried)
  • marsala wine
  • garlic, minced fine
  • butternut squash
  • sundried tomatoes, chopped (diced tomatoes)
  • beef broth (water)
  • stew beef cut into 2″ cubes, dredged in s&p and flour (cut into 1″ cubes)
  • portabella mushrooms, chopped (white button mushrooms)
  • parsley – fresh, chopped (fresh no matter what)
  • garlic bread

Butternut squash was an interesting twist, but you could go for standard-stew-inclusions like potatoes. I would like to try sweet potatoes in addition, or a combination of everything. I added the mushrooms even though they weren’t called for in the recipe. One other note – I would omit the salt in the beef dredge because the beef broth is salty enough (even if you use low sodium, which I prefer). Sop up the extra stew juice with the crusty garlic bread and enjoy a winter’s feast!

Wish You Were Here

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If I could sit beside you in a worn down diner, I would. We would sit at the cracked counter, balancing on wobbly, spinning stools and peer at the menu, already knowing what we want. Nowhere to put our coats and hats, we’d drape them over our knees. Before the day is over I would lose a glove, dropped to the snow-melted wet floor, trampled on before it’s even missing and missed. But, before then we would order plates of runny eggs and almost burnt toast. We’d let steaming cups of coffee sit untouched at our elbows, too hot to sip. Conversation would be silent because enjoying each others unusual company would be all we need. You would eavesdrop on the couple behind us, nodding knowingly; wise to their hushed argument about buying a bigger truck. The exclamation, an outburst of sorts, “but, it’s New England!” would make you smile small. The corners of your mouth would barely move, but the barely contained laughter would still show in your eyes. You want to say something, but would busy yourself with fixing my coffee the way I like it instead. You would even stop to test its temperature, your tongue knowing exactly how I can take it. “It’s cool enough” you would indicate with a small nod, pushing the cup towards me, eyes still laughing. Thank you, I would acknowledge you are right. Again. 
Getting up to pay the bill. That’s when I’d lose the glove. I wouldn’t notice it slide off my lap, bounce off the stool leg and land soundly in the cold puddle of slush created by my too-big black boots. Instead I would trudge my way to the cashier, my coat bunched under an arm. You hand over the check and wait for change. “Ready?” you would ask with your smiling eyes. Yes. And out of the diner we would go. If I could, I would.

January Is…

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Here are the parameters for this month’s reading and what is at the top of the list. January is… 

  • Walter Mosley’s birth month (Always Outnumbered, Always Outgunned)
  • Nevil Shute’s birth month (Beyond the Black Stump)
  • Benjamin Franklin’s birth month (The Americanization of Benjamin Franklin)
  • National Yoga Month (Everday Zen)
  • The month Michigan became a state (The Dollmaker)

Of course, I’ve been reading something else lately….But, now that January is here, Happy New Year & Happy Reading!

December Was

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I was looking back on the books I supposed to read from the December list and suddenly I found myself lamenting about how I’ll have to wait a whole year to get to the ones I didn’t even start. I decided to recap the month and after I made a list of what I did read I felt much, much better. I can honestly say all in all I am happy about what was and what wasn’t.
Here’s what I said I would read and what actually happened:

  1. Bill Bryson’s African Diary by Bill Bryson – done.
  2. Bellweather by Connie Willis – I read Miracle and Other Christmas Stories  instead. I don’t know…it just seemed more appropriate for December.
  3. Fer-De-Lance by Rex Stout – done.
  4. Basque History of the World by Mark Kurlansky – I never to this one because the library system was slow in loaning it.
  5. Body is Water by Julie Schumacher– Done.
  6. 24 Hours by Greg Iles – Done.
  7. Last Supper by Charles McCarry- I simply ran out of December and never got to it.
  8. Age of Grief by Jane Smiley – Done. 
  9. Father Christmas Letters by J.R.R. Tolkien – Done.

And the Christmas books not included in the list that I got to read were:

  • Polar Express by Chris Allsburg, and
  • Little Porcupine’s Christmas by Joseph Slate, and
  • Hilary Knight’s 12 Days of Christmas by Hilary Knight.

As an extra bonus I received a RandomHouseRead, Have You Found Her, and was able to squeeze that into the list during the last week of December.

Chourico Content

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For three months now I haven’t wanted to cook. I have come home feeling exhausted, worn down and depressed. Kisa asks a one-word question “pizza?” and my only response is another question “order out or make in?” I’m not feeling guilty about the laziness. We got a pizza stone and peel for our wedding and I truly enjoy making fresh pizza at home. But, but, but. It’s not what I consider cooking. I’m not really making anything when I lay down a crust with sauce and cheese.
Tonight, all that ended. I shook off the blues and I’m back in the kitchen. My first recipe to ring out the old year is chourico/turkey sub sandwiches in honor of the Saturday night Patriots game.
Ingredients:

  • chourico, red and spicy, stripped of casing and chopped small
  • ground turkey
  • sweet vidalia, chopped tiny
  • zesty tomato sauce
  • ruby red tomatoes, diced
  • crunchy, bright jalapenos (I cheated with jarred because I prefer my friend, Mrs ‘Fro), chopped smaller than small
  • dried oregano
  • sugar
  • black pepper (fresh cracked, of course)
  • tapioca
  • big black olives, sliced
  • monterey jack cheese, shredded
  • fresh, fresh, fresh rolls, guts taken out
  • crunchy tortilla chips (I like red hot blues)

I prefer to cook the turkey and chourico in batches, alternating between the two. End with a batch of turkey so it can soak up the crusty bits of chourico left behind. This method also gives the otherwise grayish turkey a deeper color. The whole thing stews for 6-12 hours so the flavors can have a lasting relationship and not just a one night stand. Serve with plenty of napkins and water for the wimps.

The Book Lover’s Cookbook

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Wenger, Shaundra Kennedy and Janet Kay Jensen. The Book Lover’s Cookbook: Recipes Inspired by Celebrated Works of Literature, and the Passages That Feature Them. New York: Ballantine Books, 2003.

I grazed on this book a while ago. The hardcover (borrowed) version sat on my desk for a few days and every so often I would pick it up, skim the pages, eye the recipes, until it was time to send it back. I couldn’t get into it because I was truly afraid I would mark up a book that wasn’t mine. I have that habit with cookbooks – writing in them. So, I sent it back, barely digested.
Fast forward to last year. Book Lover’s Cookbook was on The List. I was thinking I could call it accomplished until I remembered how I didn’t devour it.
Skip to this Christmas. My sister and brother-in-law gave me the softcover version and suddenly, I’m not only devouring the book I’m dedicated to cooking every recipe, reading every book mentioned. This version is mine, mine, mine and I can write in it all I want.

What is so special about this book is that it includes a variety of books and are not all standard Oprah favorites. There are classics, stories for children, chick lit, murder mysteries, nonfiction, and even poetry. Same goes for the dishes – they aren’t all typical recipes. There is something for everyone.

BookLust Twist: From More Book Lust in the chapter “Dewey Deconstructed” (in the 600s, p72).