The Odd Sea (with spoiler)

odd seaReiken, Frederick. The Odd Sea. New York: Delta, 1998.

From the very first page I thought the location of this book sounded really familiar. Westfield River, the Hilltowns, Dalton, Cummington…like seeing a familiar face while on vacation far, far from home. You can’t place it, yet you know it. Why? Work? School? The neighborhood? Until finally, one last detail seals the deal and suddenly you remember – the cashier from your favorite grocery store. It was “Mohawk Trail” that finally brought Western Massachusetts into sharp focus for me. Without a doubt, I was reading about my stomping grounds (and lately, stomp I do).

So, back to The Odd Sea. This is Frederick Reiken’s first novel and I have to say, I have a soft spot for firsts. This is the haunting story of the Shumway family and their lives after the dissapearance of 16 year old Ethan Shumway. It’s told from the point of view of younger brother Philip. My copy of The Odd Sea has notes in the margins that I found distracting. They made suggestions and speculations I wouldn’t have considered otherwise as well as ones overly obvious. One of the repeating, clear-as-day themes of the notes was Philip’s inability to accept his brother’s vanishing as never-coming-back final. I considered that obvious because otherwise, there wouldn’t be a story to tell. Philip can’t move on like the rest of his family. He needs to dig for answers, search for clues, and come up empty, bewildered, and denying every single time. I wasn’t surprised when, by the end of the book, Ethan is never found.
After reading Ordinary People I was ready to start my own BookLust chapter on “Mothers Who Lose It.” Probably one of my favorite descriptions in the book is of Philip’s mother’s insomnia. Having been afflicted with sleeplessness I could picture her nocturnal habits perfectly. “Some nights she did not bake or read. Instead she’d stand out with the stars. She said on clear nights the sky could draw the sadness from her heart” (p 10). I also enjoyed the scene when Victoria teaches Philip’s sister, Dana, to eat rose petals. Having eaten a few island roses in my day, I could taste the silkiness on my own tongue.

BookLust Twist: From More Book Lust and the chapter called “Small Town Life” (p 203).

Ordinary People

ordinary peopleGuest, Judith. Ordinary People. New York: Penguin, 1976.

This book has floated in and out of my life for decades. My roommate had in front of her face when I tried to talk to her about always-there boyfriend. My mother had it on her side of the bed, dog-earred and stained. It was on the summer reading list for my high school. I think my sister has a copy…Despite all these different encounters I never bothered to read it. I don’t know why. Maybe I likened it to Danielle Steel’s genre of pen? Maybe because someone made a movie out of it? I don’t know. No matter. I never wanted to read it. I’m glad it was on “the list.” I’m glad I didn’t miss out.

Ordinary People is exactly that. A story about ordinary people. Reading this book was like stumbling across Mr. & Mrs. Jarret’s home movies. I began watching their lives a year after they had lost their oldest son to a drowning accident and soon after their surviving son comes home after trying to commit suicide. I bounce back and forth between watching Cal, the father’s, videos and peeking in on Con, the son. Beth, wife and mother is detached & disconnected. I haven’t seen the movie so I have had fun trying to picture the actors playing the parts. When Con starts seeing a therapist, I envision Robin Williams (because of Good Will Hunting?)…There is so much psychology in this short (262 pages) book.

My favorite lines:
“Drifting into sleep, he lost his balance, tipping backward again into memory”  (p 144).
“And another turth. That there are no secret passages to strength, no magic words. It is something you know about yourself (p 210).

BookLust Twist: From Book Lust, Pearl actually mentions Ordinary People twice. First in the chapter “100 Good Reads, Decade By Decade” (p 175) and “Shrinks and Shrinkees” (p 221).

Goodbye

Back in the day there was this amazing website dedicated to all things Natalie Merchant. Pictures, lyrics, tour dates, show reviews, sound and video clips, discographies, newspaper articles, fun facts. It was a cool site. For years it was the place to go for Natalie information. Then one day it ended. All that was left was a simple note saying “It’s time to move on.” Say goodbye.
Such is the way about certain people, pet projects and places in my life. What is that saying? All good things must come to an end? Well, now is the time for such a saying. Say goodbye.
To my friend. I have noticed a change in you. A distance that cannot be explained. You haven’t offered and I haven’t asked. But, yet, it is there and cannot be ignored. Your leaving doesn’t hurt me; it only saddens me because it can’t be stopped. The painful part is I don’t want to stop it, either. Some things are meant to be.
I was asked outright about my once favorite band. Funny how I haven’t been approached before. Like the way Lucy let go of Natalie, I have let go of sirsy. It doesn’t mean I don’t crank ‘Ruby’ when I run. It doesn’t mean Mel’s voice and lyrics don’t rattle my heart. It just means that I have different priorities these days.
I said goodbye to my director and stepped into his shoes this week. Those shoes are going to fit, after all. I’m saying goodbye to my office this month. It will be painful because I spent all things womanly on that space. It will be hard to sit back and let the boys do all the work in my new office. But, but, but! One thing is for sure. I am saying goodbye to sitting in the backseat. Time to move on.

Spectator Bird

Stegner, Wallace. Spectator Bird. New York: Penguin, 1976.Spectator Bird

I think this book embodies one of my worst fears – being a spectator bird. The main character, Joe, is a literary agent who is slowing slipping out of the limelight of the living. He goes through life as though he’s on the sidelines, barely even watching the game. Instead of living in busy, exciting, beautiful San Francisco he lives out in the country, away from the daily rub with people. Everything about his current life is gray until he receives a postcard from a friend. Suddenly, he is thrust back into his past. He is forced to remember a time when life was more than a spectator sport. It has some interesting twists, things I didn’t see coming. Joe’s voice is witty and humorous. Here are a few of my favorite lines:
“It is hard to be relaxed around a man who at any moment might examine your prostate” (p 12).
“During the day he will go out seven or eight times. In the U.S. this would be called drinking on the job” (p 76).
“Her wicked brother will not be home – a shame, I’d like to see what real wickedness looks like” (p 98).
“She was so old she would have had to be dated by carbon 14” (p 128).

BookLust Twist: From Book Lust and the chapter called “Companion Reads” (p 65). Pearl suggests reading Spectator Bird with The Moviegoer by Walker Percy, The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro, and A Gesture Life by Chang-rae Lee.

Charming Billy

Charming BillyMcDermott, Alice. Charming Billy. New York: Delta Trade, 1998.

I wonder how many people clicked on this blog and thought it would be something a little different? There is more than enough I could say about charming anyone named Billy! Dare I laugh out loud?

Charming Billy is a National Book Award winner. A New York Times bestseller. A movie (again, one I’ve never seen). So it’s no wonder I could say I tore through this book, devoured it in three day’s time. Standing in line, waiting for a sandwich, I read. Stuck in traffice and stalled at super long red lights, I read. Riding shotgun while Kisa was the commuter King, I read. On hold during a tedius teleconference, I read. You get the point. Every chance I got, this book was raised in front of my face. I even walked on the treadmill, barefoot and still in a skirt, book held high in front of my bobbing eyes. That’s not to say it’s a quick read. It’s not a simple book. In all actuality the language is so beautiful it should be read slowly, a few times over. Take the opening chapter, for example. It’s an entire gossipy conversation about a dead man after his funeral. The mourners who have gathered for a restaurant luncheon begin to discuss the drink that killed our Charming Billy. The vitality and truth of that conversation put me at the table. I was there in the restaurant, listening in, passing the bread, leaning back to let the waiter fill my water glass.
It is at this luncheon that the narrator hears a debate about Billy’s heartbreak and the reason for the drink. Losing the love of his life causes Billy to “tilt that bottle in the air, tossing back more than [his] share.” Okay, I couldn’t resist quoting Natalie! The narrator is Billy’s cousin’s daughter. A clever choice for narrator because she is able to weave in her memories and recollections of stories passed around.

“If you loved him, then you told him at some point that he was killing himself and felt the way his indifference ripped through your affection” (p 4).
“…an alcoholic can always find a reason but never needs one” (p 35).
“I suppose there’ not much sense in trying to measure breadth and depth of your own parents’ romance, the course and tenacity of their love” (p 44). These are my favorite lines.

BookLust Twist: From Book Lust, the very first page. In the chapter, “A…My Name is Alice” Pearl lists all the “Alice” authors she adores. Alice McDermott is on the list.

Behind Diary Door

dscn0085.jpgHow does quicksand turn into a luxurious mudbath? When do the fires of hell turn into a day at the beach? When you let yourself go. Friday night I had dinner with a friend and I was able to share things normally kept under lock and key. I worried about revulsion & recoil, but it never came. I don’t know what made me do it. At the last possible minute I felt I needed to come clean, bare my soul and announce this soul’s dark horse. It was at that instance that I felt the weight of something else leave my shoulders…the burden of taking it all so personally. My job, my family, my marriage. It all seemed so, so, pressing. So heavy, like a fat lady sitting on my lungs, not letting me breathe.
At that instance I knew I wouldn’t feel betrayed by the changing of the guard. Instead I would welcome the chance to stand watch. It’s my turn. Instead of feeling powerless and unprotected I would build my own coat of armor and suit up for whatever came my way. I’ll send the Old King out in high style and I won’t begrudge him for leaving.

And so it is time to turn to my family and friends, to dedicate time long overdue. I need dinner with my dearest friend. I need a laugh that is loud and long. There is someone I miss tremendously but I have a feeling he is otherwise preoccupied. Maybe I’ll text him on a lonely night. Maybe he’ll answer. In the meantime, my thoughts are on Bethel and blueberries.  

Abyssinian Chronicles

Abyssinian ChroniclesIsegawa, Moses. Abyssinian Chronicles. New York: Alfred A Knopf, 2000.

This took me absolutely forever to read. In the beginning Athenian Murders seemed more interesting. No, I take that back. It seemed a faster read. Honesty is the best policy. Then, I started Autumn Across America. Juggling two “landscapes” as sweeping as Abyssinian and Autumn wasn’t easy. Both are elaborate, even panoramic, if you will. Very descriptive. But, enough excuses – back to Abyssinian Chronicles.
This is story of Mugezi. It is more than a coming-of-age chronicle. It is Mugezi’s life story from childhood to harsh adulthood in the span of twenty years and the necessary means it took to survive each and every day. In addition, it weaves in the landscape of Uganda, the politics of the 1970s, society, religion, violence,  and the family traditions of African clan. It is panoramic and profound. Isegawa’s language is harsh, his subjects, brutal. For example, the children Mugezi looks after are caller “shitters.” A line that made me laugh outloud was Muzegi’s aunt’s warning to a woman who was letting herself go, “If she did not take care, Nakibuka thought, soon birds would be nesting in her hair, baby hippos snorting in her belly and hyenas rubbing their rumps in her armpits” (p 162). If you are anything like me, you read that sentence and said “whaaaat?” I read it twice, said “whaa?” and then laughed out loud. I have no idea what it means (especially the hyena part) but it was funny. Female cattiness. I can relate to that. But, probably the section I can relate to the most is a tie between politics and family. First, politics: “Local politics were also at work: you never bit the hand that fed you… Consequently, there was much turning of the other cheek and much patience in the hope that everything would turn out right in the end” (p 218). Words I should take to heart in my present situation. Now, family: “Grandpa’s old lawyerly dreams boiled inside me. I felt I had stepped onto holy ground” (p 341). I felt that way when I was training for the Leukemia Society…something about fighting the ghosts of cancer, cradled in my grandmother’s name…

BookLust Twist: From More Book Lust and the chapter “Africa: A Reader’s Itinerary” (p 3). While I called Isegawa’s novel panoramic and sweeping Pearl describes it as sprawling and ambitious. Either way it’s 462 pages long. I think you get the point.

ich liebe Dich

I paced the confines of love this weekend. The brutal kind, the tender kind and everything in between. I was witness to the hurt of fragile, barely-there love and the powerful, we-will-battle-mountains kind. I don’t know which moved me more. One kind had the lovers circling like angry animals, captured and caged, tormented and furious. Hell bent on hurt. The other was like a gentle whisper, a barely-there sigh, the scent of roses on the wind. Arms around each other, protective and private. So different!
I witnessed a healing love this Saturday. I am grateful I was invited to share in their day. It taught me a lesson I had truly forgotten. Love conquers all pain. Love challenges the spirit to continue when all seems lost. Love dares happiness in the face of despair. When he announced “I be wed” instead of I thee wed we all smiled, but deep in my heart I knew what he meant. He is anxious to join two lives into one perfect union. To get over the brutal past. Soon they will leave the U.S. and settle in Austria. They will open the perfect B&B and raise a perfect boy. They will move past the tragedies of there and then because what is more important is here and now.

Here and now. Live your life as though you will not wake to see tomorrow. Live in the way that makes you truly happy. Don’t sell yourself to the tragedies of yesterday, nor to the fear of regretting tomorrow. See the good thing you have in front of it and love it like no other. Make sacrifices only for the good of your heart for life is too short for anything else.

And don’t settle for fettucini if there is no alfredo.

Autumn Across America

redsky.jpg

Teale, Edwin Way. Autumn Across America. New York: Dodd, Mead & Co., 1965.

I’m sure hundreds of books about traveling across the country have been written (I’m thinking specifically of Steinbeck’s Travels With Charley among others), but this is one of my favorites. It is a great combination of science and ecology, history and socialism with personal antidotes sprinkled throughout: a story of a deaf, mute man who lost his dog; the antics of sea otters playing in the surf; pages from John Muir’s diary and lines from Emerson’s poetry, to name a few. You can tell that Teale loves the land and everything above, around, on and in it. He has stories about birds and butterflies, deer and dogs, trees and turtles, flowers and faces. He introduces you to wonderful people, interesting facts. My favorite part, which I read outloud to kisa, involved scaring a pond load of birds only to have them all react in precisely the same way. Not one bird reacted more than another. They all did the exact same thing at the exact same time. I found that so fascinating.

My favorite line, by far, “We had, for the space of a whole glorious autumn, been time-rich” (p 356). Wouldn’t that be nice? Where would you go if you had a whole season to travel in?

BookLust Twist: From More Book Lust in the chapter appropriately called “Nature Writing” (p 173). Pearl writes, “…these books beckon us to emulate Teale’s own travels…” (p 174).

Today’s Lesson in Hats

hatsI have been schooled on secret security tactics. I have the pictures to prove it. I have been confounded by  no-clue keys leaving me clueless. I have been bombarded with banded business cards. He has shaken his head and laughed at me, not wishing my predicament on anyone. Funny, because he put me here. What could been next? Where is the next lesson coming from? To say that I waited with anticipation would make me a liar pants on fire. I dreaded whatever would happen.
Today’s lesson: hats. He came to me with paintings of hats. No. Let me clarify – each crude, ugly, painting had a hat in it somewhere. An Indian wearing a turban, a Mexican wearing a sombero, a military man wearing a helmet…you get the point. Hats. Elephant wranglers and Turkish dancers…all wearing hats. He came to me with hats; said he wanted them hung up. Was he kidding? Afraid not. He leaves me not with wise words or great guidance, but with hats.

Dreams of Diego

colrado.jpg

My cousin is getting married. We could say “finally” but that wouldn’t polite. It’s our next big trip and I can’t wait. Hello, southern Cali! I love the west side of where we are and now I’m wondering if we can’t sneak in some southwest while we’re at it. Arizona? New Mexico? Nevada? I’m not a big fan of BigCityBrightLights and all that, but Vegas could be fun…for the food. Doesn’t Emeril have something out that way? I want to buy something turquoise, just to say I was there. I want cowboy boots in black. I want to see the Painted Desert – the place where Natalie says “the stars are so many they seem to overlap.” I wonder if they would rival Monhegan’s celestial night, but we’ll see. Speaking of rivalries, I want to see the San Diego zoo. Could it go head to head with my beloved Bronx? I want to see the Diego library. Five years ago Library Journal pronounced it the best library in the country. It’s public, but I’m not prejudice [inside joke for all those paying attention to my earlier rants, haha 😉 ]
Okay, so I’m suppose to go for my cousin’s wedding but here’s what I’m looking for: great food, beautiful animals, a plethora of books and the big, wide ocean. Not necessarily in that order.

ps~ The above pic is actually Colorado, taken by kisa. The only “western” pic I have on flickr…

Eyes & Orbits

Strange days, indeed. I found myself on the treadmill, running like the wind at 10pm. Later that night a storm rocked its way through my sleeping town, bringing its own high wind. Restless. Mother Nature and I are stormy restless, pacing our universes, begging for reprieve.
I love Google mail. It allows me to see the first line of someone’s message without opening the whole thing. Because of that preview, I opened someone’s mail this morning. There is calm after this storm. I am in the eye right now – where everything is still and silent for now. I have a minute to breathe and tell someone I love her dearly. I know she is worried about me. I have fragmented to the point where I’m worried about me, too. But, here’s what I want to tell my sweet friend: I will open up to you and you alone when I come to that place of acceptance. Right now I am railing against the rules of my life. The rules of my everything.
I am sorry hurt has you cornered, too. Orbits, indeed. I wish I could help you. Maybe in helping me I can help you? We will talk soon, I promise!
xoxoxoxo

This Should Be Me

Well, turn the beast around and there you have kisa and me. Horse’s ass…that would be me. Beloved kisa and the jackazz. I’m angry to the point of breaking something besides my heart. I want to throw something, punch someone, hide somewhere dark and dirty. He brings things out to his car and laughs at his new I-Could-Care-Less-Attitude. I miss the heart that bled for this place. I miss the I Would Do Anything attitude. I stand back helpless and watch him pack. When he holds up a mug and asks “want this?” I want to puke. Did they beat him down that badly? Does he hate this life that much? Did I push him too hard?
I negotiated for a better life and I got it. Some may say my attempt was feeble, the response, lame. But. But, I have never wanted for more than what I need. Ever. Can I help it if I hate this stage of the game? Feeling like I crawled over a still-warm carcass to grasp the tarnished prize. Watching him walk away is getting harder everyday. I don’t even know his shoe size so how can I even think about standing in them, forget filling them.

For You Only

Dear You,

 Thanks for not pushing me. Thanks for not “checking up on me.” It’s true that I haven’t checked my email, opened my mail or answered the phone. This little blog has been my only real form of communication with the outside world. I’m in lockdown mode. I’ve rolled over and played dead because I am more own worst enemy right now. I am both the hawk and the squirrel right now.
Tomorrow I leave for New York City…the Bronx to be precise. I couldn’t be happier to get away from everything here. I feel the vomit of disgust rising and it’s best if I step back before I say something too vile. I want to explore every inch of the Bronx zoo. I want to be a kid again. I want to escape my world for just a little while.
To RT~ give your grouch the biggest hug in the world and tell him I love him…even if he likes a guy who sings like nails on a chalkboard and dances like a snake on crack. I am sorry for his loss.
To NM~ to say thank you for something I haven’t seen seems odd but bear with me. As they say, I am in transition.
To MI~ see you tomorrow. I’ll be the one wanting to pet the animals with a balloon tied to her wrist.
And to you, I know you mean well. I’m just not used to pushing; to be greedy when all I feel is gratitude. I’m not afraid, just don’t feel I need to be awarded.

love, me