Author: gr4c5

I write. I read. I cook. I run. That's me, in a nutshell.

Grace & Faith

gr4c54 Comments

The past three months of my life have been more stressful than Dr. Death’s worst homework assignment and planning a wedding combined. While one hand looked for answers the other had to do the deeds, regardless of knowledge. Working my fingers to the bone, working slight of hand.
Then came the past. Waltzing in like it owned my future. It was hard to stare down the demons, both good and bad. It was hard to peel back the layers of my acceptance and feel the hurt for the someones else. Those someones mean more to me than the blood streaming through my veins. How easy is it to want to avoid the inevitable hurt? Although I want to stop I know that I can’t. We are at a place that cannot be denied or ignored any longer. We must keep the momentum of grace.
To top it all off, I want to go back to school. I know that right now my energy is tapped, my ambition low, my funds all but nonexistent, but I want to be Dr. Mucky-Muck. My horizon is tainted with shouldn’t, wouldn’t and especially, couldn’t. I have to keep faith.
But, for now I need to get back to good. Christmas is fast approaching and the holiday spirit moves me. I got my first card two days ago and that has motivated me to mail my own – starting with the west side of my life.
So, to Grace & Faith. Stay by my side. Don’t let me fly from the roof in an effort to be with my angels. Keep me grounded. Keep me safe. Life has been harder than this, more sorry than this. It’s time to reach for a better place to be.

Your Secret

gr4c56 Comments

You said something striking today. You said “I’m scared how easy it is to hide my mental illness from my family” and that statement struck a chord with me. It was a simple statement yet it spoke volumes. You were more afraid of how little no one noticed you and less frightened of what ailed you. Why is that? I admired it just the same…although I don’t know why. It’s as if being unstable wasn’t that big of a deal to you, or maybe, that you were dealing with the no big deal just fine. What was truly scary was how no one noticed anything and everything else. You said this and somehow it comforted me. People can get away with things without even trying. Look at Dennis Rader and how far off everyone’s radar he really was. Got away with murder. Look at the double-life porn star. It can happen to the best of us without even trying. We don’t try, yet we do.
You said it scared you how easy it was to hide something. Maybe that’s because it’s more normal than you think.

Virgin Party

gr4c510 Comments

This was my first time hosting something trivial, something small. The parties I have thrown in my life can be counted on one hand: a shower for my sister, my own wedding, my post race party and mom’s surprise party this past summer. Last night was different. It was the first time I had an intimate tv party for no reason at all.
Just the right amount of people came (the perfect people for such a party, I must add). It was fun to snack and laugh, saving the serious conversations for later. Just the right amount of food (although the meatballs with Parmesan crisps ran out). I loved making the pecan pie (my first) and Freezer Pie, but the sun-dried tomato/feta cheese ball was my favorite. Just the right amount of Merlot with beautiful but mismatched long stemmed wine glasses. Just the right amount of room in the cedar/pine scented living room (although we always have room for just one more). Just the right amount of coziness with the candles, candy and twinkle lights on the tree decorated with holiday cheer.
My mother-in-law brought her Brenda bag and I, my YouLookGuilty tee shirt (pic coming soon). We all hushed for the show but cheered for the Patriots (thank someone they won). As the night winded down, everyone was ushered out with a hug, chocolate covered pretzels and Mama’s Southern Pecan Pie recipe. Indy hid upstairs until every last guest was gone.
Finally, it was just kisa and I in the quiet. We cleaned the kitchen in tandem, taking turns opening and closing the dishwasher door; wiping down counters and hand-washing wine glasses.
As we turned off the Christmas lights, blew out the candles and turned down the heat I thought of Brenda when she said, “I don’t like it when I’m ordered to be festive.” Me neither so I’m glad last night was so much fun…naturally.

Father Christmas Letters

gr4c5Leave a comment

Father ChristmasTolkien, J.R.R. The Father Christmas Letters. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1976.

Pure magic. I loved every minute of this book! I have always loved J.R.R. Tolkien’s imagination. From The Hobbit to The Two Towers I have always enjoyed submerging myself in his work. This book is something special. I think Nancy Pearl sums it up best in Book Lust “Tolkien wrote these letters for his children, beginning in 1920 and ending in 1939. Whimsical pictures complement the descriptions of Father Christmas’s life at the North Pole” (p 56). But, what Pearl doesn’t tell you is that Tolkien is posing as Father Christmas, and each letter (one for each year) is a continuation a story (involving a polar bear, elves and ) from the year before. The illustrations that accompany the letters are as captivating as the storyline. I can truly imagine being a child, caught up in waiting for the letter from Father Christmas.
The sobering thing about this book is that it ends the same year that World War II starts. Tolkien even makes mention of it on the last page “Half the world seems in the wrong place.” It seems like everyone needed to put aside childhood in 1939.

BookLust Twist: From Book Lust  in the chapter “Christmas Books For The Whole Family To Read” (p 55).

Knitting a Memory

gr4c52 Comments

Here’s what I remember. She would be standing behind the counter, knitting with four needles. Knitting in a round. Wristers for the men, mittens for the women. Knitting, always knitting. The yarn was never one solid color. She would ring up grocery orders, peer at prices through grandma glasses. Tally balances in a fine, spidery hand. Smoking and gossiping with the fishermen. Back when smoking was something to do. Her raspy laugh echoing through the aisles. A fixture among the groceries. She was just a little thing but such a huge presence!
Christmas mittens. Those mittens knitted all year long would show up under the tree in December. Always with a dollar hidden in one. It was as much a tradition as Seacoast Mission. mom’s oranges and Jingle Bells before Santa. For some reason I always got shades of green. How she knew my growing hands from year to year I’ll never know. I’ve kept them still.
Sitting on top of wharf hill, watching the day trippers disembark from the boat. Always full of witty comments and guess who arrived today? She knew everyone’s story, everyone’s comings and goings. She saw it all and knew us all from the hill.
She died last month. I just got word today. Common sense says it was time. Nature has it’s unstoppable course. She was ancient when I was a kid. Nevertheless, I thought she would live forever. Whenever her mittens warm my hands her memory will always warm my heart. Thanks, Reet.

Bill Bryson’s African Diary

gr4c5Leave a comment

African DiaryBryson, Bill. Bill Bryson’s African Diary. New York, Broadway Books, 2002.

I added this to the December list when I read a review describing it as “short.” It’s much shorter than I thought – only 49 pages of “diary” and a few more pages of statistical information. So short that I was able to read it over a lunch break. I’m glad it was a quick read because I couldn’t put it down. I’m a sucker for charitable tactics, especially unique ones, and this book definitely qualifies. CARE International (a non-profit organization dedicated to fighting global poverty) funded Bill Bryson’s trip to Nairobi, Africa with the request that he write about his eight day adventure. Bryson is known for his travel literature, his humor, and his expressive way of describing life around him. He would certainly be able to describe the poverty, the landscape, and best of all, the people of Africa. Many reviewers called this book a charity puff-piece, a lengthy advertisement for the work of CARE, and were bitter about the $12 price tag. What they missed out on was the stunning photography, the wry humor and the painless way to do good (all royalties and profit from the sale of the book went to CARE International).
Speaking of humor, here are a few of my favorite lines: “…tireless commitment to mediocrity” (p 2), “you had to be really unlucky to be shot and stabbed” (p 4), “Kenyan Railways has something of a tradition of killing its passengers” (p 21) and, “Watamu was tranquil to the point of being comatose” (25). There are other funny moments: “flying toilets,” and flying for real, to name two.

For more information on CARE, International go here.

BookLust Twist: From More Book Lust and the chapter “Bill Bryson: Too Good to Miss” (p 36). This being my first introduction to Bryson I am looking forward to more.

December Is

gr4c5Leave a comment

                                                                                                                                                                                                             Christmas
                                                                

Here are the parameters for the December reading list (and what is at the top of the reading list):
December is…

  • Bill Bryson’s birth month (Bill Bryson’s African Diary)
  • Connie Willis’ birth month (Bellweather)
  • Rex Stout’s birth month (Fer-de-Lance)
  • Mark Kurlansky’s birth month (Basque History of the World)
  • when Iowa became a state (Age of Grief)
  • when Pennsylvania became a state (Appointment in Samarra)
  • when New Jersey became a state (Body is Water)
  • when Mississippi became a state (24 Hours)
  • when Alabama became a state (Boy’s Life)
  • the month the Cold war ended (Last Supper)
  • the month of Christmas (Father Christmas Letters)
    By the way, I’ll read only Christmas stories during the week of Christmas 12/24 – 12/30…and a Christmas story in between the other reads.

Anniversary Woops

gr4c52 Comments

BooksThis anniversary made my realized I missed another anniversary. Not the one when I walked down the aisle, knees banging together out of trepidation. No, I’m talking about a different one – a more MeMyselfMoi one. I’m talking about the one that has made me open books. Open and read lots and lots of books. On November 10th, 2006 I made a vow to read everything indexed in Book Lust and More Book Lust. As of that date I had read 95 books. 95 books read, reviewed and relished. That equals eight books a month or two books a week (on average). It’s hard to believe I am approaching my 100th book (Appointment in Samarra by John O’Hara). I have to say it feels good to get back to being a book worm.

Come a Colder Season

gr4c55 Comments

NatalieI’m having a hard time believing I am to hear this voice again in as little as 37 days. Never mind false starts and not-for-profit events. A real honest-to-goodness concert after four long years.
New York will be a colder place in a month’s time. Come a colder season called cruel winter. Mother Nature will see to that. But, nothing can compare to the depth of darkness I have been visiting only recently. It is time to shed the shivers and shake the shadows. This voice will take me there.

A Little Push

gr4c55 Comments

pushI’ve started a fitness program called PushTv after researching trainer Bob Harper. I was interested in getting to a program that was a little different than joining a gym. I’ll admit, this is really different. The first dvd came a few weeks ago but today was the first day I actually “worked out” with it. I decided I needed this Push because common sense wasn’t getting through to me. Try as I might I couldn’t convince myself to get going – not even when I announced it here, in this blog, in front of witnesses (or people who might actually hold me to my promises).

Here’s what I think of Session One:
I think I might have spaced it but I don’t remember Bob telling me I would need certain equipment. I know when I signed up I told Push I had all sorts of paraphernalia available. Did I think they would actually make me use it? Apparently not because Bob would say, “okay, grab your…” and I’d have to run off to retrieve the item: resistance ball, towel, chair, step, free weights, resistance bands…Each time I had to pause the dvd, especially for the step that has been in the basement since Jane Fonda days. Speaking of the step, I have a complaint. The Push people never asked me if I could make my step recline. Hello! I have the pink, turquoise and grey number left over from the 80’s when step aerobics was the thing to do. I would have missed the incline sit up session if I have taken the time to figure out how to recline. But, the workout with Bob was really rewarding. He makes it fun. I can see why contestants on The Biggest Loser get so attached to this tattooed yoga boy.
The Cardio session is a little bothersome. I don’t care for the instructor (she’s no Bob), nor do I really have the room to mambo around the room. She says “move that chair if you need to.” The question is, exactly where do I move it to, lady? So. I skipped the dvd’s cardio session… for now.
The next sessions were concentrations on areas of the body I said I wanted to work on. My chosen area of focus is abs but I was also given a bonus workout called “Ultimate Ass”. I like the trainer well enough and the exercises are challenging. What I could do without are the graphics. I don’t really understand the stars, shadows, palm trees and speakers. All that flashiness (plus canned clapping) gave the program a cheap 70’s feel. What was even worse was the ass graphic. Off to the side is a row of asses. I kid you not. As you work out, the underwear on each ass “goes away” and at one point it looks as if one of them farts. Seriously. To make matters worse, words of encouragement are flashed across the screen – sayings like “great job! Give yourself a spanking!” Yikes. I found myself doing the exercises away from the screen, but still listening to the instructor. My only thought was “Bring back Bob!”
My last complaint is that when I logged into my Push profile (after the workout) I thought there would be a “chart your activity” screen. Something to tell the Push people how I’m doing. Not really. I could change my initial preferences (like a changed the cardio chick), but I couldn’t log much else.

Not Sleeping

gr4c54 Comments

What is it about the question, “Did I wake you?” or “were you sleeping?” My knee-jerk reaction is to feel jerked back to childhood and to be accused of being lazy. Somehow, sleeping = sloth. So,  I am quick to retort “oh no! Nope. Not sleeping! Not me!” Never mind that a minute earlier I was so deep asleep it could have been compared to a coma. The funny thing is, even if I hadn’t been sleeping that tone of indignation still seeps in, “Who me? Sleeping? Don’t be ridiculous! I’ve been up for hours!” What follows is the barrage of proof, “I was just scrubbing the floor…with a toothbrush. I’m in the middle of doing laundry…by hand. I’m baking bread after just grinding the flour by hand…I discovered the way to achieve world peace.” Anything to make myself sound productive and as unlazy as possible on a Sunday morning.
In truth, it’s been a long time since I’ve slept in long enough to feel guilty about it. The hour hand of the clock has been at a reasonable angle when I get up. Reasonable for me, I should say. I have never been one to enjoy witnessing sunrises. Actually, I watch my sunrises on the Discovery channel to be honest. But, no matter what time I really wake up, get out of bed and officially start my day I still have this overwhelming urge to Do Something. Be productive. Even on a Sunday. Anybody got a toothbrush?

Storm in Flanders

gr4c5Leave a comment

Storm in FlandersGroom, Winston. A Storm in Flanders: The Ypres Salient, 1914 – 1918: Tragedy and Triumph on the Western Front. New York: Atlantic Monthly Press, 2001.

I’m thinking I shouldn’t have picked this book up in the middle of my current state of mind. Don’t get me wrong, Groom’s history on World War I is impressive. Between the diary accounts, breathtaking pictures and easy language (he called someone a “military nut” and someone else “butt-headed”), this wasn’t a dry read. I know more about military warfare than ever before. For example, I learned WWI was Hitler’s introduction to war, paved the way for him, so to speak. The Germans were the first to introduce poison-gas (mustard gas) warfare; and I now know the meaning behind the poppy-like flowers veterans sell outside the grocery store. I always bought them and hung them in Gabriel without knowing why.
There is humor to Groom’s language: “While the Germans pondered their next move, there was a four-day lull in the fighting – if you can call taking thousands of casualties a day a “lull” (p 51) and “…Germans binged on a gluttony of pork until they were virtually wursted and brattened to their limits” (p 119).

Since Christmas is fast approaching I am drawn to the story Groom tells of Christmas 1914 when both sides put down their weapons and pretended to be friends for a day, exchanging gifts, singing carols, playing games and even laughing with one another. Yet, when the day was over they went back to killing one another.

BookLust Twist: From Book Lust in the chapter “World War I Nonfiction” (p 251). Pearl points out that Groom writes with compassion for the soldiers and I couldn’t agree more. I think that compassion is what makes this book so interesting.

Christmas Waiting To Happen

gr4c5Leave a comment

I want a real tree for Christmas – the smell of pine and cinnamon – traipsing through along the trails.
I want sequined soldiers and candy cane horses – twisting and shining on the limbs.
I want pastries warmed on the back of the stove – nothing sweet to catch fire.
I want my mother’s sweet potato casserole – you peel the potatoes, I’ll cut the apples.
I want giggling children excited by sleigh bells and flashlights – silly stories and big eyes.
I want warm blankets and fuzzy slippers to lose my toes in.
I want Silent Night sung by candlelight – a community drawn together by acceptance.
I want shadowy outlines of horses by dawn – their imaginary hoofbeats running over frozen ground, steam rising from flared nostrils.
I want to watch the winter surf with kisa by my side – my hand in his pocket, fingertips numb.
I want to count down the days – may they fly – by advent calendar of yesteryear.
To be HomeHome again. I’ll be there.

The Closer Getting Closer

gr4c511 Comments

Just last night I was joking with the in-laws about the Closer House Party. I am nowhere near the House Partying kind of girl, but for what it’s worth, I’m getting excited. No one likes the Closer as much as my mother-in-law! She suggested a theme like chocolate…something about fondue. We were all giggles about a fondue fountain…and the fact that her bag looks exactly like Brenda’s.
Ironically, my Closer “swag” came today! The box included some really fun stuff: Closer napkins, Closer plates, Closer thank yew cards, a recipe for Mama’s Pecan Pie, a Closer Christmas wreath, a Closer tin of something yummy, A Closer DVD to watch before the show and…a “you look guilty” Closer tee shirt! The same thing I wanted to buy when it first came out! The whole package was a great surprise!

So now, I’m rethinking the menu. My father-in-law is an amazing cook. He’s offered to make something…I just might have to tell people to come hungry, hungry, hungry!

9 days to go!

Happy Thanksgiving

gr4c5Leave a comment

Happy Thanksgiving!This will be short and sweet because I’m supposed to be mashing sweet potatoes right now. My father-in-law’s special request.

This is the time to be thankful for everything you have in your life and this is my list:

  • I am thankful for my husband. Kisa is truly my Knight In Shining Armor
  • I am thankful for my health.
  • I am thankful for my family (but miss them terribly).
  • I am thankful for my job as stressful as it is right now. I truly have my dream job, right dad?
  • I am thankful for my friends. I think I surround myself with the best of the best.
  • I am thankful for the music that sustains me.
  • I am thankful for my angels. You know who you are.

So, give thanks for everything you have in your life. In this past week I have learned that life is hard. Life can be a tragedy. The trick is to stay strong. Lean on the people who love you. Love the life you live and live it like it’s your last because you never know.