Tag: Confessional

Pulse Check

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This is the list for Year Seven of the Book Lust Challenge. I’ll update it at the end of each month, just to keep myself honest.

  1. Abide By Me by Elizabeth Strout
  2. Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
  3. Among the Missing by Dan Chaon
  4. Apollo: the epic journey to the moon by David West Reynolds
  5. Arctic Grail by Pierre Berton (I started this last year)
  6. Ariel by Sylvia Plath
  7. At Home in the Heart of Appalachia by John O’Brien
  8. Beautiful Swimmers by William Warner
  9. Before the Knife by Carolyn Slaughter
  10. Beneath the Lion’s Gaze by Maaza Mengist
  11. Beyond the Bogota by Gary Leech
  12. Big Mouth and Ugly Girl by Joyce Carol Oates
  13. Brass Go-Between by Oliver Bleeck
  14. Breakfast with Scot by Michael Drowning
  15. Brush with Death by Elizabeth Duncan
  16. Burma Chronicles by Guy Delise
  17. Burning the Days by James Salter
  18. Camus, a Romance by Elizabeth Hawes
  19. Cardboard Crown by Martin Boyd
  20. Cat Who Ate Danish Modern by Lillian Jackson Braun
  21. Child that Books Built by Francis Spufford
  22. Churchill, a life by Martin Gilbert
  23. Conspiracy and Other Stories by Jaan Kross
  24. Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner
  25. Deafening by Frances Itani
  26. Death in Verona by Roy Harley Lewis
  27. Diamond Classics by Mike Shannon
  28. Dining with Al-Qaeda by Hugh Pope
  29. Diving Bell and the Butterfly by Jean-Dominique Bauby
  30. Domestic Manners of the Americans by Fanny Trollope
  31. Edward Lear in Albania by Edward Lear
  32. Fanny by Edmund White
  33. Final Solution by Michael Chabon
  34. Fixer by Joe Sacco
  35. Footnotes in Gaza by Joe Sacco
  36. Full Cupboard of Life by Alexander McCall Smith
  37. Gabriel Garcia Marquez by Gerald Martin
  38. Galton Case by Ross MacDonald ~ reading right now
  39. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes by Anita Loos
  40. Girl in Landscape by Jonathan Lethem
  41. Going Wild by Robert Winkler
  42. Golden Spruce by John Vaillant
  43. Good Thief’s Guide to Paris by Chris Ewan
  44. Good Thief’s Guide to Vegas by Chris Ewan
  45. Good-bye Chunk Rice by Craig Thompson
  46. Grand Ambition by Lisa Michaels
  47. Guardians by Geoffrey Kabaservice
  48. Hole in the Earth by Robert Bausch
  49. House of Morgan by Ron Chernow
  50. House on the Lagoon by Rosario Ferre
  51. Joy of Cooking by Irma Rombauer
  52. Kalahari Typing School for Men by Alexander McCall Smith
  53. Light Infantry Ball by Hamilton Basso
  54. Lives of the Painters (vol 2, 3 & 4) by Giorgio Vasari
  55. Mortality for Beautiful Girls by Alexander McCall Smith
  56. No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith
  57. Nobody Knows My Name by James Baldwin
  58. Ocean of Words by Ha Jin
  59. Old Friends by Tracy Kidder
  60. Panther Soup by John Grimlette
  61. Points Unknown edited by David Roberts
  62. Rabbit Hill by Robert Lawson
  63. Return of the Dancing Master by Henning Mankell
  64. Rosalind Franklin by Brenda Maddox
  65. Rose Cafe by John Hanson Mitchell
  66. Scar Tissue by Michael Ignatieff
  67. Scramble for Africa by Thomas Pakenham
  68. Southpaw by Mark Harris
  69. Tattered Cloak by Nina Berberova ~ reading right now
  70. Tea Time for the Traditionally Built by Alexander McCall Smith
  71. Tears of the Giraffe by Alexander McCall Smith
  72. Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
  73. Time, Love, Memory by Jonathan Weiner
  74. Unpleasantness at the Bellona Club by Dorothy Sayers
  75. Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackery
  76. Viceroy of Ouidah by Bruce Chatwin
  77. What you Owe Me by Bebe Moore Campbell
  78. Wholeness of a Broken Heart by Katie Singer
  79. Widow for One Year by John Irving
  80. Wolves of Willoughby Chase by Joan Aiken
  81. Working Poor by David Shipler

Ten Hours Until Dawn Postscript

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This should be a ps at the end of the Tougias review but somehow it doesn’t seen appropriate to put it there. What I am about to say has nothing to do with the review but is essential to the enjoyment of the book. LISTEN TO THE AUDIO BOOK! Seriously. I wrote my review before listening to the acknowledgments and thank yous and the I-couldn’t-have-written-this-book-without-you spiel. I should have waited until all that was over. Here’s what I would have included:
Listen to the very end of Ten Hours Until Dawn. What you will hear will chill your heart and break your soul. Listening to the actual radio calls between Coast Guard stations Glouster, Salem and Peabody and Frank Quirk, Captain of the “Can Do” is breathtaking. You spend so much time hearing an actor portray these people and you spend so much time with Tougias’s words that when the real exchange is finally heard it’s like a punch to the gut. On a personal note, I felt actual anger listening to the captain of the Global Hope fumble for the correct terminology to describe his situation. I felt sheer helplessness listening to Charlie Bucko make the mayday call from the “Can Do”. Listening to these people blew my mind. Maybe I am so moved because my father was a tried and true Coastie. To be sure I have been thinking of him as I heard Frank Quirk’s brave voice on the radio. Next month marks the 20th anniversary of my father’s passing; a man who died while trying to save the life of another.
But, back to Ten Hours Until Dawn. I have to admit this is one of those rare times when I want to read the book even after hearing the audio version. This is a story that truly resonated with me.

Scared by the Numbers

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Since adding all of the books from Book Lust To Go to my challenge list (all 1,600+ of them) I have been wondering how much time this has added to the challenge. I was curious. How many years will it take me to finish reading 5,500+ books? Exactly how old will I be when it is all said and done?
First I needed to know how many books I have left to read. The grand total is 5026. This includes books of varying lengths – anything from graphic novels, children’s picture books to 1,000 page biographies. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes.

Then I needed to find out my average reading “speed.” What did I accomplish in a year’s time? On average, I read 109 books a year – give or take a poem, short story or article or two. This average of 109 books included books for fun, books for LibraryThing, and the books on the challenge list. However, here is what I found out from doing the math: if I only read challenge books from here on out it would take me 45 years to finish every book indexed in Book Lust, More Book Lust and now, Book Lust To Go. Scary. I honestly don’t think I will live that long. Frightening. Seriously.
What to do? I refuse to give up reading the books from LibraryThing’s Early Review program. And, and. And! I will not ignore the gift books I receive from family or friends. So. What happens now? I either have to face facts that I will never finish reading 5026 books in my lifetime OR be a little more selective about what takes up my time. I like option #2 better.

Here are my ideas for amendments:

  • Instead of reading 50 pages before giving up on a boring book I only read one chapter or 25 pages – whichever comes first. I’m a pretty good judge of what books will bore me to death and which ones I will “book” through (pun totally intended).
  • Of the books I have read before instead of rereading them I will install the “Odd page rule.” The odd page rule is to only read the odd pages and skip the evens. (the rule right now is if I don’t remember the plot, key characters or how it ended I have to reread the entire thing. Not happening).
  • Third and final change: the movie rights rule. If a book has been made into a movie AND the book author has had a hand in writing the screenplay AND the movie has won an Academy Award I give myself permission to watch the movie instead. I am not a movie person so I doubt this last rule will really come into play that often.

I will be in my 90s when I finally finish the challenge. People have asked me why it matters. They like to point out that Nancy Pearl didn’t read every book she recommends. She had help. People made suggestions. I get it. I don’t care what Pearl has or hasn’t read. Her reading list is not my concern. The pages MY eyes fall upon are what matter and I want to read them all. If I’m lucky.

“True Love”

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Szymborska, Wislawa. “True Love.” Poems New and Collected 1957 – 1997. 1998. Trans. Stanislaw Baranczak and Clare Cavanagh. San Diego: Harcourt, Inc., 2000.

I couldn’t help but think of Natalie Merchant singing “Jealousy” when I read this poem for the first time. It sounds spiteful and catty. It could have been written by someone sitting alone on prom night or someone with no one to kiss on New Year’s Eve. That wallflower with the mad-enough-to-spit-nails attitude. It’s sad and snarly. The echo of longing for a relationship is loud and resonating and clear and yet, the poem speaks of true love being a farce, a joke, something he or she cannot possibly believe in.

As an aside…I have been struggling with what to say at my cousin’s burial. Don’t get me wrong. I loved the guy. It’s the love that has me livid. I’m thinking if I had been a little less loving while he was alive this wouldn’t hurt so much NOW. There is truth to not believing in love.

BookLust Twist: From Book Lust in the chapter called “Polish Poetry and Prose” (p 188).

Signed, Sealed, Committed

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I celebrated another birthday recently. Nothing outrageous, nothing wild. It was pretty quiet except for the discovery that I am committed to be crazy. Hook. Line. Sinker. I am caught up in a colossal challenge I can’t (won’t?) escape. to explain:

In 2006 someone gave me Nancy Pearl’s Book Lust (better known as simply ‘BL’ in my world). Nothing more than a compilation of recommended reading for “every mood” as Pearl put it. When I first flipped through it I thought, “how quaint.” After some serious page turning I thought, “what a great idea to catalog all these books in such this way!” Funny how first impressions are so innocent. Hindsight definitely reveals a stranger, more elusive obsession in the making. I really don’t know how it all started. I don’t know what made me decide to read every single book indexed in Book Lust. All I do know is that after I was given More Book Lust (MBL) soon after that sealed the deal. Somehow that second book committed me to the challenge. I found myself promising to read EVERY book indexed in Book Lust AND More Book Lust. I wasn’t looking for a fight; no throw down. I didn’t challenge anyone to join me. This was going to be a battle fought by me, myself and moi. I remember meeting Nancy Pearl at a convention. After she signed my books I told her about my insane challenge. She seemed excited when she asked, “are you the one with the website?” but was definitely deflated when I said no, I wasn’t. To be fair, at the time I knew there was at least one other person with the same such project. She had a website and was soliciting book buyers to help her with her reading. I wasn’t that person. As a librarian I could do no such thing. Circulation is at the core of library success.

Anyway, fast forward to Happy Birthday to me. I’m opening a package from my sister. Sitting in my truck with the engine running because I just couldn’t wait. Despite being in my own driveway. I had to laugh when my own eagerness revealed Book Lust To Go: Recommended Reading for Travelers, Vagabonds, and Dreamers by Nancy Pearl. Here we go again. I knew myself all too well. The only question was how long would it take before I would decide to add all the titles of BLTG to my challenge? Not long. Not long at all. In fact, I hadn’t read a single word of BLTG before I was formulating a new plan. Adjustments would have to be made. Between BL and MBL I had amassed over 4,000 titles to read. At first glance I estimated BLTG would add another 2,000 unique titles…give or take.

And so it begins. I have a feeling LunaSea will be busy.

September ’11 is…

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September 2011 will be a mess. I guarantee it.  A complete and utter debacle. For starters, the data migration I blathered about back in June didn’t happen on schedule. In fact, it hasn’t happened at all. Fingers crossed, though. It is set for October. But! But. but, that just means I continue to be without borrowing capabilities because I still to refuse to get a public library card. At least I can admit that it’s because I’m lazy. I don’t feel like driving to the public branch when many ( I need to stress many, many) of the books on my challenge list are either in my own workplace library OR sitting on my shelves at home. I don’t need to reach outside of my resources to find a read. But what this does mean (in terms of planning a list of books to read each month) is that it hasn’t been easy. I let my state of mind dictate what comes next or not. It’s chaotic and more than a little crappy. If I don’t feel like reading The Trial I won’t. It’s as simple as that.

So to spend a long time explaining a very simple thing, I don’t have an expected read list for September 2011. There. I said it. I know this much is true: I want to read something nonfiction since I neglected the didactic last month. I do know that I want to reread The World According to Garp by John Irving. I plan to Let Go of some titles I have been meaning to read; to just admit I don’t want to read them at all (The Compleat Angler being one of them). I have been selected to receive another Early Review book from LibraryThing. If it arrives in September I’ll add it to the list. I’m kind of excited because it’s about football. It would be great to read it in honor of the NFL’s 2011 season opening, but we’ll have to wait and see…

What else can I tell you about September? Hurricane season. Start of the Fall Semester for academics. Nights getting cooler. September is my suspicious month. I’m leery of perfect blue skies. I don’t trust the beauty of the day to not turn into something ugly. Fall means dying – this close to death. It means taking dares with yes and losing. The silver lining (as I must find one) is that September is also a chance to remember falling in love among the falling leaves. A chance to celebrate that love, if for only one day.

Off Course, Of Course

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My system of choosing books for the Book Lust Challenge couldn’t be without a snag here or there. Well…having said that, I found my first tangle in five years.
In July we are switching library systems and like the switching of anything there will be a down-time, an adjustment period. You know how it is. Change = Dead in the water. In my case it means a complete halt of requesting books from public libraries from my armchair/laptop vantage point. From June to sometime in October all borrowing as I know it will stop. In order to keep the system going I will need to, (heaven forbid), actually get a public library card. I haven’t had one of those babies (aside from Monhegan) in at least 12 years. Oh the horror!
I’ll admit it. I’m spoiled. I like having my books plopped on my desk, right where I work. No visit to a public library necessary.

So. The solution? Borrow from my own academic library and finally, finally read the books I have collected at home. I think I have over a year’s worth of books just waiting for the right time to be read. That time is now. This should be interesting.

My plan of attack is to first compile a list of all the books I have at the ready to pull off the shelves and just read.
Second step is to determine when the aforementioned books were originally scheduled to be read. An example: I have the autobiography of Benjamin Franklin on a shelf at home. Off the top of my head I know Ben was born in January. So, I probably had planned to read this in the month of January some year from now…. I’m guessing because I usually go by birth month before anything else. But now the question is can I find another reason to read about Ben Franklin between June and November? Probably. What month did he fly his kite? What month did he move to Philadelphia? When did he become a Junto? When did he marry? When did he die? In other words, how else can I honor him?

Rest assured. June 2011 is covered. I am reading …And Ladies of the Club by Helen Hooven Santmyer. Why only one book planned for 30 days of June? Well, for starters it is over 1,400 pages long (spanning 60 years it should!). And for another it looks a bit dull! This should take some time. *sigh* So. June 2011 is …And Ladies of the Club by Helen Hooven Santmyer in honor of June being “Small Town Month” and this epic takes place in a small town…supposedly.

February ’10 is…

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Off the top of my head, I’m not sure what to call February besides another cold, cold month. I could get all giddy and self-absorbed in the fact that it’s my birth month (so maybe I should be reading something by me – ha), but that doesn’t seem to be all that productive. Besides, my published work would take all of two minutes to read! February is a visit with Mr. Richard Marx II (formally known as Mr. Bubblegum). We have a date in three weeks. February is more time with Dr. Ruth. No offense, but after this month I would like to think I’m on the road to recovery and will not need so much attention in that area in the future. I have started training for Just ‘Cause and have moved my feet over 50 miles so far.

I should point out the obvious. This is late. February has also started out as my month to be overextended in a big way. Not sure if that’s a good thing.

For books it has been and will be:

  • Company of Three by Varley O’Connor ~ in honor of February being National Theater Month. Okay, so if you can’t get there, read about it!
  • The Fire Next Time by James Baldwin ~ in honor of Black History Month
  • Warriors Don’t Cry: a Searing Memoir of the Battle to Integrate Little Rock’s Central High by Melba Patillo Beals ~ in honor of Civil Rights month
  • Mountains Beyond Mountains by Tracy Kidder ~ in honor of medical workers in Haiti right now.
  • Why Things Bite Back: Technology and the Revenge of Unintended Consequences by Edward Tenner ~in honor of National Science month.

There is a rumor of another LibraryThing Early Review book. The publisher was nice enough to send me a thank you for reviewing the book, but until I actually have it in my hand I won’t be mentioning it here.

January ’10 was…

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January 2010 was all wrong. I put many other activities ahead of reading. Knitting- mom’s blanket was falling apart so I took some time to fix that (as well as add new trim). I also started a new blanket of blue and white. Haven’t figured out why I’m making this one at all. I think it will go to the island because we certainly don’t need another blanket! Working out – been walking & running on the treadmill withe some regularity, as well as weight training and a little yoga. Cooking – been getting back to making real meals which need more time…Bad television – I’ve become addicted to the addict shows: Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, Hoarders, and Intervention. I seem to identify with the misfits a little too well.

So, having said all that – reading wasn’t my highest priority. Behold the (ahem*) ‘finished’ list:

  • High Five by Janet Evanovitch ~ in honor of female mystery month (whatever that means).
  • The Semi-Attached Couple by Emily Eden (*) ~ in honor of the book lust of others (again, whatever that means).
  • The Hole in the Universe: How Scientists Peered over the Edge of Emptiness and Found Everything by K.C. Cole (*) ~ in honor of January being the “start-over/clean slate” month.
  • Echo House by Ward Just ~ in honor of Ward Just’s birth month.
  • In Search of Robinson Crusoe by Timothy Severin (*) ~ in honor of National Geographic month.
  • Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin by Benjamin Franklin ~ in honor of Mr. Franklin’s birth month.
  • Sorrows of Young Werther by Johann Goethe ~ in honor of letter writing month.
  • The Little Friend by Donna Tartt ~ a behemoth of a book with an unsatisfying end.

For LibraryThing and the Early Review Program I finished Nothing Right, a collection of short stories by Antonya Nelson. If you are looking for quick snapshots of dysfunctional family life, this is the book for you!

* Sad to say, I didn’t get into these books enough to finish them. I did my 50 page rule and called it quits.

Slipping Up

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Confession time. I have fallen off the path of documentation somehow. It all started when my list of accomplished (read) books for the Book Lust Challenge on LibraryThing wasn’t adding up with the list I keep in a separate spreadsheet. LibraryThing had 298 accomplished books and my spreadsheet claimed 297. What’s one book you might ask? Plenty. That means some author’s work isn’t fully accounted for.

So. I started to investigate. To my horror not only were my numbers off, but somehow I had missed reviewing 17 books. Well, that’s not entirely true. I reviewed them here, on WordPress, but somehow forgot to transfer the “clean” version to LibraryThing. For those not in the know: I post the same review twice. First I write a review complete with personal observations and favorite quotes on WordPress, then I cut out the personal stuff and post the drab, shorter  “review” on LibraryThing. Neither is really a “review” per se. I don’t critique the writer’s style, find fault with plot, criticize timelines, etc. I basically am out to prove to anyone who cares (mostly myself) that I read the book by saying a few words about the general storyline, characters, and so on.

So. Now I am in the process of searching for 17 missing reviews. Did they all make it to WordPress and not LibraryThing? I already found two that way. Was I hesitant to review an entire book when I only read one story or poem out of it? What was my problem with the review process? This will take some time to sort out. I’m afraid to ask the bigger questions. Did I just get lazy? Am I slipping up?

ps~ The missing 298th accomplished book? Native Son by Richard Wright.

Morning Star and a confession

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Bantock, Nick. Morning Star, In Which the Extraordinary Correspondence of Griffin & Sabine is Illuminated. San Francisco: Chronicle Books, 2003.

I was first introduced to the Griffin & Sabine stories back in 1992. The series appealed to me on so many different levels. As an avid, no rabid letter writer I relished the idea of reading someone else’s mail. As a creative, romantic type I was drawn to the amazing artwork. There was something sensual and slightly erotic about each envelope and postcard. Visually stunning, the colors and images race off the page.

Morning Star was no different. I was held captive by the gorgeous illustrations, the illicit thrill of ‘opening’ each letter and gently extracting someone else’s prose. The passion on the pages made my fingertips tremble. Being separated from that one great love was something I truly connected with. I have felt that sense of longing for someone so far away. What didn’t speak to me was the storyline. For all the “unraveling of unreliable reality” I was getting lost. It was almost as if the story had transpired into a foreign language and I somehow lost my book of translations.

I have to ask. When this book came out, did You see it? If so, did You think of me? Did You want to buy it, keep it, have it, remember me with it? Everything was so long ago. That river of time has flowed on, despite it all.
To answer my own question – Didn’t think so.

Lucky Girl, Dumb Me

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Yes, this will be a book review – eventually. But first, first it is a confession. Lucky Girl: a Memoir by Mei-Ling Hopgood came to me as an Early Review book last spring. I remember its arrival clearly because its the first early review I finished in the new house. I also remember reading it just as clearly because I finished while I was lying in bed sick, just hours before I was to head to Bolton for a 60 mile cancer walk. What I don’t remember doing is writing a review for Lucky Girl. Somehow, after getting sick, walking 60 miles, having my mother as a house guest and going home to Maine I missed writing a LibraryThing review. Even though I don’t remember writing it, I never for a second thought that I didn’t. Imagine my surprise, no – my shock when I was gently reminded I am missing one Lucky Girl review! LibraryThing now has a way to track books someone has received as an Early Review. The database tracks when you receive a book and when you review it. It was on this page that I learned I failed to review not one, but TWO books. I knew about one – the one I didn’t finish, but Lucky Girl??? Lucky Girl!? I could have sworn I wrote something. I finished it on May 15th, 2009.

Better late than never, here it is. The review for Lucky Girl: a Memoir by Mei-Ling Hopgood.

Hopgood, Mei-Ling. Lucky Girl: a Memoir. Chapel Hill: Algonquin Books, 2009.

One of the best things about reading a memoir is when it is a happy one. When the author has had a reasonably good life and has an even better attitude about it. It was refreshing to read a story about an adopted individual who a) knew all along she had been adopted as an infant,  b) was actually okay with it, and c) had no desire to hunt down her birth family if only to ask “why did you give me up?” There was no malice, no repressed feelings of abandonment or resentment. Hopgood had adjusted well to life with midwest American parents and bore no hard feelings toward the Taiwan family who couldn’t keep her. Hopgood’s memoir instead focuses on how her life changes when her Chinese family not only seeks her, but pulls her into their world. As she reconnects with her heritage the core of who she is culturally comes to the surface. She gains a deeper understanding of what it means to be American, to have Chinese roots, to have more family than she knows what to do with. In the end there is an element of forgiveness as well..even though she didn’t know she needed it. The honesty and humor that Hopgood writes with is delightful and the photographs are the perfect addition to an already enjoyable story.

This Side of Writing

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I have to admit the Other Blog is now getting the juicier stuff. The writing about running has leaked into a more psyche-driven state full of meltdowns and murmurings…whereas this side of writing has been more about books. Not being about to write throughout the month of May and not wanting to write in the month of June has had it’s disadvantages, for sure. I think the end result is a bias towards books. Maybe this is what I wanted all along. The other blog is getting the heartache stuff, the mind spewing stuff. I don’t know if this a temporary thing or if this site was meant for reviews or what. Maybe it’s my way of going underground again…like I did with ThatSpace’s blog. Uprooted and transferred when the traffic got too heavy. Maybe I don’t want my insanity to be that transparent, that troubling for anyone else but me. I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that I have gotten too cryptic on this side. Book reviews are more honest and more open than anything else…on this side. My rants have been saved for the other side. It’s been interesting to watch.

So. I guess I am saying this blog is slowly becoming a book blog…I’ll save the breakdowns and broken blogs for the other side. It seems saner that way…and in a way, safer. Not sure why I think that way, but there it is.

If It Comes to You

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secretsIf it comes to you in ashes that means I burned it. Burned it, but sent it to you anyway. I am twisted enough that I would do something like that…just to show you my good intentions comes with an evil streak. I started this whole thing in earnest thinking I would, I could, build you a masterpiece. Something worthy of a bedside table as a good bedtime story..or maybe even a coffee table out in the open if I let myself dare to dream that big and ambitious and grandiose. Shopping for supplies was much like being a id again. I was drawn in by sparkly stickers, glittery borders, sticky glue, funky cutting scissors, colored paper of vellum and linen and cotton. So much to chose from I didn’t know where to begin or end. Embellishments aplenty. My credit card shook from exhaustion. I wish I could say my enthusiasm for the project held up through the piles and piles of purchases, pages and pages of printed out out-of-print pictures, the plethora of everything saved and once cherished. Suddenly, without warning I felt unworthy of the task at heart. Who was I to decide what to keep? What to exclude? How could I decide what was coffee table worthy? Every well-wished sentiment, every scrap of paper had something worth saving, keeping, holding onto. The insecurity grew and grew and grew with each passing page created until finally every page created became a page hated.

So, I started again. Tearing the old masterpiece down and starting new. Different ideas flowed and I worked feverishly to retain the enthusiasm. I worked methodically, determined to use everything given to me, entrusted to me. Everything meant a creation oversized and bulging. Bigger and bigger. But, like a sandcastle caught in a rising tide my enthusiasm ebbed away…again. This time it was my displeasure with how cramped and crowded every page looked. Bigger didn’t mean better. My eagerness to please was obvious overkill on every page. With remorse, I tore it down again and again.

I ended up rebuilding a third time. I started with all new supplies. This time I dared to play god to the creation. I dared to determine the worth of each scrap. When it was done I was proud of it but also insecure. I needed more time to reconcile the conflicting emotions before I sent it off.

I never sent it. It’s still here. I sent a decoy, a fake. something to placate you and keep me covered. I still want to burn it. I still want you to have it. Two conflicting emotions. So, maybe it will come to you…in ashes.

Bite Me

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goddessI think nine times out of ten people are cruel because they have something better to say…but they can’t think of it at the moment. Can’t think on their feet so they act like a heel. They have to be funnier than kind. Hurtful is hilarious and sweet is just plain silly. I think nine times out of ten people are critical because they are jealous. They don’t want to admit to being lacking or without. Just because they can. What does it take for someone to see the riches in life without making comparisons? It takes a tragedy to recognize a triumph.

And now for something completely different.

Thank you for making me smile. Thank you for taking me out of my funk. I am glad I agreed to go. I’m glad you were there to greet me. Here’s the thing. I don’t say it enough but I value every minute of your time. I don’t take advantage of that time everytime but you inspire me just the same. Even if I only take ten minutes I am so much the better for it. Really. In the here and now I am on the other side of jumping. I think I have even started to climb down from the ledge. I think I’m close enough to the ground to stand on my own two feet. Soon. But, but. But! I still need you and your smile. I still need to know you are there. Even if I decide to jump after all.