Sept ’11 was…

Here I am, writing about September almost two weeks into October. That’s what I get when I run away to Maine for ten days. I feel weird about these end of month recaps because not only do they feel stranded, without proper structure, they don’t really reflect accomplishment on my part. Traditionally, I start the month with the statement This Is What I Want To Read and at the month I list everything I was and wasn’t able to get to in that 28-31 day time. Without a reading plan I feel utterly afloat and yet, free.
Anyway, enough babble. Here’s the list for September:

  • World According to Garp by John Irving. Not my favorite Irving (that would have to be Hotel New Hampshire), but this was funny and well worth the second read.
  • In Country by Bobbie Ann Mason. I couldn’t quite believe a teenager would be so completely and resolutely obsessed with the Vietnam War but she lost her father in that war, so who am I to judge?
  • Stuffed: Adventures of a Restaurant Family by Patricia Volk. This was hysterical. I found myself rereading parts just because it was so true. By the end of it I felt like I knew Patricia and her whole family. Well, maybe that was the point.
  • Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain. Another reread from my younger days. Enjoyable, but not a favorite.

So. There it is. The List. Four books. This doesn’t list the books I started (and didn’t finish). Nor does it mention any Early Review books from LibraryThing. Supposedly, I have been selected to receive two books. Haven’t seen either one. Yet.

Call Me When You Land

Schiavone, Michael. Call Me When You Land. New York: Permanent Press, 2011.

If Nancy Pearl had to categorize this book for one of the chapters in Book Lust this would easily fit into either her “Families in Trouble” or “First Novel” chapter. If she had to categorize this book as a selection in More Book Lust it could easily fit into her “Men Channeling Women” chapter. First, there’s Katie Olmstead. Alcoholic, artist, single mother slowly losing her grip on reality. Then there’s Katie’s reality, C.J., the angst-ridden son. C.J. is uncommunicative, lonely and lost. Finally, there’s great-uncle Walter. Coughing up blood, stoned, patient and pathetic. Parsing out words of wisdom to said mother and son while quietly raging against his own frailty. Spoiler: he disappears from the story halfway through; a disappointment because he was the glue that held mother and son together.
All of these characters fit an eye-rolling stereotypical mold. Katie, in a spurt of mothering, makes her son breakfast. C.J. isn’t used to seeing his mom awake much less standing at that hour is skeptical and more than a little suspicious. Their dialogue is full of cliche zingers like, “what’s your deal this morning?” and “I’m not poisoning you.” Character development is minimal. People like Peter and Caroline pop up without introduction. There is a lot of backtracking to fill in the blanks.
To be honest I read this book like it reads: in fits and starts. It wasn’t the kind of book I could read for hours on end without coming up for air. I was beyond frustrated by all the name brand products. Aquafina, Alka-Seltzer, Aleve, Advil, Best Buy, Barolo, Benadryl, Ben & Jerry’s, Coors, Claratin, Cabernet, Capri Sun, Chips Ahoy, Clearasil, Dunkin Donuts, Disney, Dewars, Diet Coke, Dairy Queen, Desitin, Dolce & Gabbana, Emergen-C, Eggos, Febreze, Fruit Rollup, Gap, Gatorade, Grand Marnier, Halo 3, Hydroxycut, Hot Pocket, iPhone, J. Crew, Joy, Keds, Kools, Kleenex, Liz Claiborne, Mountain Dew, McDonalds, Marc Jacobs, Odwalla, Pepsi, Pellogrino, Palmolive, Prozac, Ray-Bans, Ritalin, Rockstar, Rice-a-Roni, Ragu, StairMaster, Starbucks, Sprite, Snuggie, Shiraz, Splenda, SeaWorld, Timberland, Tylenol, Trader Joe’s, Target, Tag, Tuff, Tropicana, Tanquerey, Under Armour, Visine, Vasaline. I know I could list a dozen more. If this were a movie the product placement would be nauseating. Writing should be timeless. If the products aren’t around ten years from now the piece becomes dated and clunky. There is the danger of alienating the reader as well. Not everyone will know what Halo 3 or Rockstar is. Something gets lost in translation when the product is the punchline to a funny line.

What I liked best about Call Me When You Land is the potential for a happy ending. The promise of change is hanging in the air. Differences are happening and that’s all that matters.

August ’11 is…

I know that I will spending my first week of August out to sea. Such an enjoyable place for enjoying books! I know that August is another chance at music – Miss Rebecca Correia and a little band called 10,000 Maniacs. What else do I know about August? Not much. I know I am taking two books with me:

  • Daughter of Fortune by Isabel Allende. If I want to still “honor” something I could say I’m reading this in honor of August being National Ocean month. Allende’s lead character takes a boat from Chile to America in search of her gold rush crazed lover.
  • Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf ~ bringing this for the sake of something else in the bag.

As for anything else I haven’t the slightest idea. I am still trying to read the books within my reach so the whole “read-this-book-to-honor-this-thing” isn’t really happening. I have been enjoying this seat of my pants kind of selection. Other books I hope to get to:

  • Lord of the Flies by William Golding
  • While I Was Out by Sue Miller
  • The Dive from Clausen’s Pier by Ann Packer

I will have another Early Review book soon but until it actually arrives it’s best not to mention it.

July ’11 was…

Where the fukc do I start (besides the fact that I’m posting this very late)? July 2011 was hell with a twisted sense of humor. Chronological speaking the first week of July was first a new car, then a wedding, then a quick trip to Monhegan and Kennebunkport (not impressed). A first week of fireworks and fun. The second week of July was an eight hour drive to Chautauqua, New York to see (from dead center second row, thank you very much) Miss Natalie Merchant at her best. A stunning performance I won’t soon forget. The third week was another trip to Maine, burying my grandfather, having my house robbed, and struggling to make sense of administrative setbacks. Week four was Kisa having to replace a tire on the truck, replace a cracked skimmer on the pool, our hot water heater flooding the basement in the middle of the night and lots and lots of home security upgrades. The ongoing issue is Jones freaking out. I don’t know what happened during the robbery but I do know he’s not the same. Insane to get out, he claws and cries and scrambles frantically at every door and window. He acts like a tortured prisoner. In the midst of all this chaos I have tried my best to keep reading. It was only semi-successful. Many fitful starts, few finishes:

  • Where the Heart Is by Billie Letts ~ in honor of it being a book within reach while I was on Monhegan. I think this should be a movie.
  • House of Mirth by Edith Wharton ~ in honor of New York becoming a state in July. Greedy book. I didn’t completely finish it. I got the point three quarters of the way through it and got the point.
  • Bonfire of the Vanities by Tom Wolfe ~ in honor of Burton Bennett’s birthday. This was made into a movie & no, I didn’t finish the book or see the movie. Another greedy book.
  • Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin ~ in honor of it being a book in the library. I was ten pages shy of finishing this one.
  • It’s Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life by Lance Armstrong ~ in honor of the Tour de France. I will never look at this book the same way again for it was what I was reading on the ride home from the burial…and yes, I finished it …when we pulled into the driveway.
  • Hitty: Her First Hundred Years by Rachel Field ~ in honor of going to Rachel’s “home” state, Maine.
  • The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen ~ I barely finished this (supposed to be read in August in honor of Franzen’s birth month). I’m waiting for the movie version.

And for LibraryThing and the Early Review Program:

  • Deadly Indifference: The Perfect (Political) Storm: Hurricane Katrina, the Bush White House and Beyond by Michael D. Brown and Ted Schwarz ~ I didn’t finish this. After awhile it got really repetitive with all the blame and finger pointing.
  • Pretty by Jillian Lauren ~ I loved this book. I loved how raw and messed up it was.

We ended July the exact same way we started it – with a road trip and awesome music. A blog about Rebecca Correia’s fantastic farm show will be posted on the other side.

Deadly Indifference

Brown, Michael D. and Ted Schwarz. Deadly Indifference: the Perfect (Political) Storm” Hurricane Katrina, the Bush White House, and Beyond. Lanham: Taylor Trade Publishing, 2011.

I have to wonder if there is a tell-all grace period. Wait so many years, put so much distance between now and then, and then spill the beans with abandon. Deadly Indifference is that type of book. Michael Brown was Under Secretary of Homeland Security during the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina. As Director of FEMA he was the appointed scapegoat of the entire fiasco and for all intents and purposes Deadly Indifference is his chance to clear his name. This is his opportunity to set the record straight and blame other people. As former Under Secretary of Homeland Security he has nothing to lose and therefore can tell all with straightforward clarity. It is to be expected that Brown points the finger everywhere but himself. In the first chapter I was even wondering if he was going to blame the residents of New Orleans simply because they willingly chose to live in a “fishbowl” city well below sea level. When Brown does get around to placing some of the blame on himself he does so lightly and delicately. His heavy hand is reserved for people like New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin and Louisana governor Kathleen Blanco. While Brown’s book is thought provoking one would benefit from reading several different accounts of what went wrong before, during and after Hurricane Katrina. It would be interesting to compare this to someone with an unbiased point of view.

A Matter of Conscience

Hoppe, Sherry Lee. A Matter of Conscience: Redemption of a Hometown Hero, Bobby Hoppe.Nashville: Wakestone Press, 2011.

In a nutshell: A Matter of Conscience is about the trial of Bobby Hoppe. 31 years after shooting a man to death the football hero is finally brought to justice.
The first thing I have to say, just to get it out there, is that this is not a neutral, unbiased portrayal of one man’s fall from grace and subsequent redemption. The author fully acknowledges that in her forward. Written by his widow, Sherry Lee Hoppe, Bobby Hoppe is portrayed as a deeply religious man heavy with guilt and regret; a vehemently repentant mama’s boy. Subsequently, from page one his victim, Don Hudson, is painted as the super villain, the guy everyone would have gunned down if Hoppe hadn’t done it first.
Despite his widow’s insistence Hoppe was an angel I had a hard time believing in the depth of Hoppe’s alleged guilt since he never came forward with his self defense claim when the crime was first committed in 1957. True, he may have lived with “demons” for 31 years but he didn’t give much thought to Hudson’s family in that entire time. He probably would have kept his silence indefinitely had it not been for the victim’s family and their never-ending search for justice.
What A Matter of Conscience does really well is paint a socioeconomic picture of North Chattanooga, Tennessee in the late 1950s. Football and bootlegging were the heaven and hell of the day. As a young man in the poverty stricken south you were involved in one or the other. You either played a hero’s game or did the work of the devil. Both earned you a reputation worth fighting for.
But, probably the best aspect to A Matter of Conscience is the heart of the story – the trial. Ms. Hoppe takes you into the court room, puts you behind the defense table, and allows you to have intimate access to every nuance of her husband’s difficult case. Hoppe’s defense team was mesmerizing and the trial, mesmerizing.

Art and Madness

Roiphe, Anne. Art and Madness: a Memoir of Lust Without Reason. New York: Doubleday, 2011.

From the start I struggled to find the purpose of this snapshot-in-time memoir. In the beginning there is a brief mention of Roiphe at age 11 but most of the book is confined to the 50s and 60s; Roiphe’s artistic coming of age. There is a parade of authors mentioned, name drops like Woody Allen, Mia Farrow, Salvador Dali and on and on. Despite a yo-yo’ing time line across the decades there is a constant in Roiphe’s dedication to holding her male counterparts up for success. It was an era when use and abuse of women was the norm and Roiphe takes it all in stride. As she says, she was the muse instead of the writer. Throughout Art and Madness Roiphe illustrates a different side of motherhood as she shamelessly bares the truth about toting her daughter all over predawn New York to answer the drunken beck and call of prominent men. But, with destruction comes the need to rebuild. In the end, Roiphe finds a self-proclaimed redemption. The muse becomes a writer in her own right.

Confessional: Art and Madness was something I would pick up and read voraciously for a day or two at a time. Yet, when I put it down weeks would go by before I would pick it back up again. I read it sporadically, compulsively, and yet, not obsessively. I have no idea why because it really was fascinating.

Good Daughter

Darznik, Jasmin. The Good Daughter: a Memoir of My Mother’s Hidden Life. New York: Grand Central Publishing, 2011.

There is a third party detachment to the way Darznik tells her mother’s story. It’s cool and aloof, without personal reaction or reflection. The Good Daughter reads like a novel because Darznik does not offer us any emotion. She includes so many fly-on-the-wall details about her mother’s first marriage and first born in such a way that the story could have been about anyone – friend or colleague. But, having said that – this is a story worth telling. In the early 1950s Iran, Darznik mother is barely into her teen years before she marries and has a child. After suffering abuse at the hands of her husband she does the unthinkable for a woman in Iranian culture: she arranges for a divorce. She is forced to abandon her daughter when she remarries moves to America. Upon having a second daughter she drops hints about the “Good Daughter” she has left behind. It’s a passive aggressive tactic to make Darznik behave, but the “Good Daughter” is never explained until Darznik discovers tangible evidence of her mother’s secret past.

Favorite line: “I was often lost those days and almost always the happier for it” (p 314).

May 2011 is…

THE LIST:

  • To Sir with Love by Edward Ricardo Braithwaite ~ in honor of National Teacher Day (May 3rd)
  • Out of Control by Suzanne Brockmann ~ in honor of Brockmann’s birth month
  • A Child’s Life and Other Stories by Phoebe Gloeckner ~ in honor of graphic novel month
  • Antigone the play by Sophocles ~ in honor of May being the best time to visit Greece.
  • Fifth Chinese Daughter by Jade Snow Wong ~ in honor Asian-American Heritage month
  • Catfish and Mandala by Andrew X. Pham ~ in honor of Memorial Day
  • Anne of the Island by L.M. Montgomery ~ in honor of Eeyore’s birth month (I’ll explain that connection within the review). I’m listening to this as a training book.
  • House on the Lagoon by Rosario Ferre ~ in honor of May 5th being Cinco de Mayo
  • City of Light ~ by Lauren Belfer ~ in honor of May being History Month

Lastly, for the Early Review program for LibraryThing – Art and Madness by Anne Roiphe.

I put so many books on my list because a) a few of them are really, really short so I know I can read I can read them in 1-2 days time and b) I don’t have plans to travel anywhere until May 20th so I should have more time to curl up with several good books, and c) AFTER the walk I have ten days of NOTHING to do. I am picturing myself on the back deck, a glass of wine in one hand and a good book in another.

Confession – Catfish and Mandala by Andrew X. Pham looked so good I started reading it on April 28th. Sue me.
May is also (finally) the Just ‘Cause walk. I am not confident I did everything to train (but then again, there is only so much walking one can do), and I know I didn’t fund raise as hard as I should/could have. I am $100 off from the amount I raised last year. I am guessing not asking aunts, uncles, cousins, (mother), grandparents….anyone from my mother’s side to donate played a big part. C’est la vie. Or, to quote mom, “whatever.”

Miss Timmins’ School for Girls

Currimbhoy, Nayana. Miss Timmins’ School for Girls: a Novel. New York: Harper, 2011.

Disclaimer: When I first saw this was a Harper publication I balked. Not because I personally have a problem with the “26 e-book renewal” drama, but rather because, as a librarian, I should be standing with my fellow librarians and sharing in their boycott efforts. I’m not because this isn’t an e-book, I didn’t borrow it, and as far as I know, it won’t self destruct after 26 reads. But, I digress. Onto the review:

Miss Timmins’ School for Girls is intense! It’s a complicated romance ensnared with a murder (suicide?) scandal. Churu a new teacher at Miss Timmins’ School. Outwardly, she tries to fit in with the other missionaries. She wears her clothes properly and has civilized tea. After dark Charu finds drugs and friendship with a troubled, misfit teacher named Moira Prince. When Moira is murdered the school community is a whirlwind of chaos. After some time witnesses put Charu with Moira right before her death. Did she do it? When a shocking love affair is revealed the story becomes more complicated. When a birth mother is revealed the story takes another twist. It keeps twisting until the very end.

In all honesty, every time I put Miss Timmins’ School for Girls down I found it difficult to pick it back up. The story dragged on and on. In places I felt certain scenes weren’t necessary and I questioned why they were included. None of the scenes were overkill, they just added more to the story that really wasn’t necessary. Charu’s own personal conflict with her mother could have been a book in and of itself. Her relationships with Merch and Prince could have been another book. Combining this with the murder at Miss Timmins’ School for Girls made the book tedious.

April ’11 is…

April marks the start of new ideas, new ways of thinking. Actually, the ideas sprouted in March but April is the month for seriously taking action. Idea #1 – probably the one I am the most conflicted about – A U D I O books. Yes, audio books. After nearly five years I am breaking my own rule. I must have known it would come to this because if you note, I say in this rule I will try to read the book rather than listen to audio or watch a video interpretation…It’s like I knew it would come to this. I guess I would like to think for the month of April I am breaking down and trying something new. This doesn’t come about because I didn’t try. Try, I did. Walking and reading don’t necessarily go together, especially on a treadmill. I know, ‘cuz I’ve tried. Since I can’t give up the training and I refuse to give up the reading I needed to find a compromise. I have. In the form of someone reading to me. So, without further delay, here is the list for April:

  • Flint’s Law by Paul Eddy. Finishing the series I started last month.
  • “At Marlborough House” by Michael Swift ~ in honor of April being poetry month I plan to read a poem in between each book.
  • Bear Went Over the Mountain by William Kotzwinkle ~ in honor of April Fools Day
  • “Two Tramps in Mud Time” by Robert Frost ~ in honor of poetry month.
  • A Drinking Life by Pete Hamill ~ in honor of April being Alcohol Awareness month. This is the book I will try to listen to instead of read…
  • “The Discovery of Daily Experience” by William Stafford ~ in honor of poetry month
  • Great Fortune: the Epic of Rockefeller Center by Daniel Okrent ~ in honor of National Architect month. What better way to celebrate architecture than with a book about one of the best known structures out there?
  • “Blue Garden” by Dean Young ~ in honor of poetry month
  • Alice Springs by Nikki Gemmell ~ in honor of April being the best time to visit Australia

For Librarything and the Early Review program I have The Good Daughter: a Memoir of My Mother’s Hidden Life by Jasmin Darznik. It (finally) came in the middle of last month.

March ’11 was…

What can I say about March? The snow is (finally, finally) beginning to melt and kisa and I are starting to think spring even though it’s still cold, cold, cold and more snow is expected for tomorrow. We made some pretty sobering decisions. No huge projects for Hilltop and no expensive vacations. We’re taking a year off from spending. It’s a good choice, I think, given all the work drama we both have been through recently. Family life is starting to even out. For awhile I wasn’t feeling the proverbial pressures, but then again I had been shutting my phone off at night! March was also a Natalie night with the best company a girl could ever have.  Here’s the list for March books:

  • Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte ~ in honor of Book Month. I had forgotten about all the sighing and sobbing! *sigh*
  • Blind Descent by Nevada Barr ~ in honor of Barr’s birth month. I will never look at cave exploring the same way again!
  • Flint by Paul Eddy ~ in honor of Eddy’s birth month.
  • The Bold Vegetarian: 150 Innovative International Recipes by Bharti Kirchner ~ in honor of March being “noodle month.” I kid you not.
  • Cross Creek by Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings ~ in honor of Florida becoming a state. This was made into a movie…interesting.
  • God’s Bits of Wood by Sembene Ousmane~ in honor of African American Writers Month.
  • Cloudsplitter by Russell Banks ~ in honor of March being family month. This was a behemoth to read – over 700 pages!
  • Raising Holy Hell by Bruce Olds ~ in honor of family month (read with Cloudsplitter because they were on the same topic).
  • Cosi fan Tutti by Michael Dibdin ~ in honor of March being Dibdin’s birth month.

Confessional: I skipped Famished Road by Ben Okri and added God’s Bits of Wood by Sembene Ousmane instead. Somehow I had forgotten that I had already tried that book a few years ago. It just wasn’t my thing. However, I did write a review for LibraryThing. I just wish I had remembered that before ordering it a second time. I hate making more work for librarians! Here’s what I said for LT:
The Famished Road by Ben Okri is all about spirits. Azaro is a child in Africa struggling between two worlds: that of the spiritual and that of the Earthly. His parents on Earth are well meaning, but poverty driven, people. the basic theme of Famished Road is the definitive difference and ultimate struggle between good and evil. Azaro’s personal struggle is with spirits that can only exist if Azaro is dead. Azaro’s father struggles with abuse and power. Starting as a boxer he soon delves into the world of politics to gain power. Madam Kato is a simple bartender who begins her part of the story by wanting more profit but as a result of greed, sinks lower and lower. Along with the ever-entwining magical realism is the drifting of morality.

Other books I read in March not on the BookLust list: Miss Timmins School  for Girls: a novel by Nayana Churrimbhoy ~ an Early Review book for LibraryThing. This was great! Definitely one of my favorite reads of the month. I also started reading Clean Food by Terry Walters and Now Eat This by Rocco Dispirito (reviews coming soon).

Feb ’11 was…

February was a strange, strange month. On the one hand, my birthday (which was good), yet on the other hand, many different family dramas (not so good). Other oddities include getting robbed, the roof leaking, a mysterious flat tire, and lots of great PT (what’s different?). My list of books for the month included some behemoths – two over 700 pages long. It took me longer than expected to get through my list because I also got an Early Review book from LibraryThing and I decided to read a few “off-list” titles. February was also a month of personal challenges (yay for physical therapy and the return to running for real). I can’t forget to mention that!

  • Carry Me Home: Birmingham, Alabama: The Climactic Battle of the Civil Rights Revolution by Diane McWhorter ~ in honor of National Civil Rights month. This was a nice blend of didactic and personal.
  • Big Year: a Tale of Man, Nature, and Fowl Obsession by Mark Obmascik ~ in honor of February being a bird feeding month (as apposed to watching). Funny, funny, funny.
  • Night Soldiers by Alan Furst ~ in honor of Furst’s birth month. This was really heavy, but I actually got into it.
  • Belly of Paris by Emile Zola ~ in honor of Charles Dickens (writing style is similar). Word to the wise – don’t read this when you are hungry. The food descriptions are amazing!

For the Early Review Program with LibraryThing I finally received and read My Korean Deli by Ben Ryder Howe. I’m still waiting for a second Early Review book from LibraryThing.

  • Runner’s World The Complete Book of Running: Everything You Need To Run For Weight Loss, Fitness and Competition by Amby Burfoot. I picked this up because someone had given me a gift certificate for B&N and I wanted to get something I would keep for a very long time.
  • It Must Be..(a Grand Canyon Trip : Drawings and Thoughts From a Winter’s Trip From Lee’s Ferry to Diamond Creek (December 19, 2010 – January 2, 2011).. by Scott P. Barnes ~ this was such a surreal read for me! I’ve always wanted to see this author’s name in print.

My Korean Deli

Howe, Ben Ryder. My Korean Deli: Risking It All for a Convenience Store. New York: Henry Holt and Company, 2011.

Ben Ryder Howe is used to a double life and his style of writing reflects this. My Korean Deliis a “memoir” of Howe’s attempt to be an editor by day and a Brooklyn, New York deli owner by night. It is sporadically insightful, occasionally humorous and more often than not, full of mixed emotions. Howe confronts serious dilemmas throughout the story: the magazine he works for is failing, his relationship with his Korean in-laws is strained because he and his Korean-American wife are living in their basement. He knows nothing about running a New York City deli. Throughout the reading of My Korean Deli I had many different thoughts and questions running through my head. One such question was exactly what was the ratio of truth to fiction in this story? What were the exaggerations and what were the cold hard facts? At times Howe’s own astonishment at the state of his double life had me thinking of the Talking Heads lyric from ‘Once in a lifetime’, “…Well, how did I get here?” Every aspect of Howe’s story; from his unraveling relationship with Paris Review editor, George Plimpton, to his crazed concept of how to run a Korean deli, seemed disconnected and without purpose.

My Nine Lives

Fleisher, Leon and Anne Midgette. My Nine Lives: a Memoir of Many Careers in Music. New York: Doubleday, 2010.

It took me a long time to get through this book. I would read five or six pages a day and never feel compelled to accomplish more. For me, it was definitely not a Cannot Put Down book. I found Fleisher long winded and didactic at times. Fleisher, for all his accomplishments, deserves to be wordy and authoritarian.  To be fair, I am not musically inclined. To make matters worse I know even less about the world of classically trained musicians. I think this put me at a disadvantage for enjoying the book. There was little to the story outside music. To be fair, this definitely would be an interesting read for musicians, especially pianists and composers.

As an aside: I think part of my problem with My Nine Lives was on a personal level. Fleisher doesn’t mince words or beat around the bush when describing his relationships with women. He had affairs and left marriages. He “traded up” as they say in the tabloids. Each woman seemed to be younger and prettier than the one before. Fleisher doesn’t make excuses for his actions and I respect that, but it definitely altered the way I read his story.